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Charlie Sheen will Sue WBTV and Chuck Lorre

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... Counterpunch! Charlie Sheen will reportedly use the power of a thousand vipers and squeeze the justice system with his hands of razorblades, taking Warner Bros. TV and Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre to the downtown house and letting Lady Justice squirt her breast milk all over them. That's Charlie Sheen talk for "Charlie Sheen is suing WBTV and Chuck Lorre." Yeah, I know, he does it better and I'll never have a house filled with cocaine and porn stars. But a man can dream. [TMZ]

... You! The tween with the backwards hat and the Hollister jacket! Yeah you! ABC Family has announced return dates for Secret Life of the American Teenager (March 28), Pretty Little Liars (June 14), and Melissa & Joey (June 29). The network's new summer shows will include The Great State of Georgia (premiering June 29), Switched at Birth (premiering June 6), and Chloe King (premiering June 14). And no, you can't watch any of these until you've finished your homework and mowed the lawn. [Deadline Hollywood]

... Scrubs vet John C. McGinley and Damages vet Marcia Gay Harden are signing on for ABC's Smothered. Almost signed on is Adam Arkin. The trio will play thee out of the show's four overbearing parents. [Deadline Hollywood]

... Law & Order: Los Angeles will be back on April 11 with a two-hour episode. The has been on hiatus to re-tool the series after disappointing ratings and reviews. [TV Line]

... Hank Azaria, familiar to your ears as one of The Simpsons' voice-cast members, will star in the NBC pilot Free Agents, a comedy about two PR execs who work together. Azaria will play the male lead. [Deadline Hollywood]

... Mike DeStefano, who was one of the final five contestants in last year's Last Comic Standing, died of a heart attack last night. He was 44 years old. [LA Times]

... History Channel has given the green light to Mounted in Alaska, a reality series featuring Sarah Palin in several compromising positions. Oh, I wish! It's really about a family of taxidermists. [EW]

... Marc Anthony will join TNT's HawthoRNe as a regular after appearing in two episodes last season. Whoop-dee-do. [Deadline Hollywood]

Follow writer Tim Surette on Twitter: @TimAtTVDotCom

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