Clearly, without my eagle eye trained on The Bachelor and my angry rants calling ABC out, the network has let loose the reins of hell on this season. I know that Sean’s franchise predecessor Emily made the production relocate to Charlotte, North Carolina; racked up more in wardrobe than all the other Bachelorettes combined; and zig-zagged her way across Europe, but wow is this season cheap. The budget must be like, whatever they could raise on eBay selling old office equipment or something from around the production office, because the first couple episodes were all dates you can do for basically free in Los Angeles (A WAX MUSEUM? A day at, wait for it, Magic Mountain?! LOL LOL hello ABC does Disney not OWN you? How did they not use Disneyland for that outing?)
And I know Chris Harrison divorced his wife at the end of last season, so when this was filmed he was probably in the innermost circle of relationship hell and that explains his dead eyes and non-presence on the show. The last thing a man amidst a divorce wants to do is counsel a himbo on which of the bright-eyed, hopeful skanks he should heavy-pet in the fantasy suite. I get it, Chris, and I also get that at this point your ABC hosting contract is probably so super generous that quitting this year-round gig would be the financial equivalent of a wolf chewing off his own leg to get out of a bear trap. Yet sometimes that is the only way the wolf survives, Chris. Sometimes that is the only way the wolf survives.
Anyway, despite the absence of money or Harrison, all the drama is popping up (along with a persistent whitehead that someone needs to pull Sean aside and speak frankly to him about) and I feel I must discuss these topics:
There is a proud tradition of the entire house of women hating one girl, and that girl most generally wins. I’m talking about Vienna, I’m talking about Courtney, I’m talking about Tierra. Just when I was ready to write Tierra off as a brunette Britney Spears (post Federline) she dropped a BOMB on us last night about her best friend of 13 years, boyfriend of five years PASSING AWAY from alcoholism. No joke, that is sincerely terrible and I think we all can sympathize and some of us can empathize with that kind of loss. Still, her timing on that, bringing it up right before rose time on the two-on-one date, was masterful. Am I being a soulless harpy if I say that timing was very deliberate?
Tierra has shown a real sense of cunning before, like that time she laid down on the stairs and pretended she had amnesia or whatever and then snapped out of it and leapt off the gurney when the paramedics and Sean came—that was either a charming American folk dance called “No Insurance Here” that I have danced a couple times my myself in my younger days, or she was faking and didn’t want to be called on it. The clip last night of her with “Live Through This” mascara and palsy hands made my heart race. GIRL WHAT IS GOING ON ARE YOU ACCIDENT PRONE OR A MASTERMIND?
2. Sean is sort of cruel
Maybe he’s punishing these girls because ABC is punishing him by spending a grand total of $29.99 on the first round of one-on-one dates, but I’ve been disgusted by his personal little twist of “testing” the girls. From making Desiree feel like she’d knocked over a piece of art to bringing a pair of sick little girls along to an amusement park to making Lesley participate in the world’s longest kiss to a round of roller derby not everybody survived, I don’t know, it bugs me.
There’s enough of an element of playing God in deciding who stays on the show without also rigging up mind games. I understand that as a man who is looking for his wife he’s making the most of it but hell, what kind of husband are you going to be, springing traps left and right, making people jump through hoops? Hopefully he didn’t think of this on his own, it’s just ABC trying to stretch a dollar (“The reasoning behind there being no glamorous dates and few helicopter rides is that Sean wants to put these bitches through the ringer. Agreed? Agreed. Is the Wax Museum open next Thursday? How about the Department of Water and Power?”) The one slightly glamorous date, poor Leslie’s Pretty Woman “shopping spree,” where she chose from three ill-fitting dresses no one bothered to check the sizing on, was just one long, sad, upsetting Neil Lane commercial.
And then inviting the Blue Team back last night?! I’m sorry if it’s more fun to have nine girls mooning over you than four, but that was the nature of the game.
I think that’s her name. She is my favorite thing in the world right now. She’s the blonde who often does her hair in big curls and broke into sobs last night when she stalked Sean down to the street and saw him and Catherine “in each other’s laps.” “He was sitting on her laps!!” OMG she is so wonderful, she is the smell of vanilla body spray with the tang of beer vomit underneath, she is a vodka shot for your eyeballs with a Crystal Light chaser. It’s like everything embarrassing that happened in college except trapped inside a 28-year-old woman.
I’m pretty sure she was wearing a sheer yellow dress with no underwear to the Montana ski bar or whatever the hell that was last night and her M.O. seems to be crotch-high skirts and door-knocker earrings and hair like a frat guy just kicked her out of his room. People throw around the term “hot mess” so much these days that it’s lost all meaning, but Daniella truly is the heart and the soul of that noble concept.
Whoooo! I'm glad I got all that off my chest. And there's ANOTHER two-hour episode coming up tonight. But more importantly, what have you noticed this season? What has surprised you about Sean or his harem of attention-seekers? Who is real and who is fake? I got questions!
1. Tierra: Mastermind bachelor contestant or the kind of girl who steals petty cash at work and pulls the boss aside to hint that her co-workers have been in the petty cash drawer?
2. Does Sean’s season strike you as weirdly cheap so far?
3. Is Tierra going to fake hypothermia tonight like she faked falling down the stairs or is one/both of those catastrophes legit?
4. Chris Harrison: Should he leave this show and try and find out ‘who Chris Harrison really is,’ or is the routine the only thing keeping him together?
5. Was Chris Harrison pretending to be Jeff Probst last night the happiest you've ever seen him, and do you think the production crew put that challenge together to cheer him up?
6. Do you think Chris Harrison sleeps with a gun under his pillow?
7. What does Chris Harrison call the contestants in his head? The B-word mostly, or the C-word?
8. Do you think Chris Harrison hates or loves Jeff Probst?