With Charlie Sheen fully embracing his manic side, CBS is surely in a tight spot. Two and a Half Men is the network’s baby, expected to make it about $160 million next season. Whether it will actually return remains unclear. But CBS is not only already awash in similar comedies, it has a steady stream of new ones coming down the pike.
Case in point: The network has been developing a comedy pilot based on the life of professional ESPN sports blusterer Colin Cowherd. Two of Men’s executive producers are already attached. Our friends at sports whistleblower site Deadspin recently got ahold of the pilot script, and passed some choice quips to us. We’ve made the names generic to make a point: Just try to not read the protagonist as Charlie Harper, or say the interchangeable hot girl couldn’t be played by any of the interchangeable hot girls from Men.
PROTAGONIST is "fortyish, confident, good looking and well dressed, though he'd never admit he tries."
PROTAGONIST: (about his ex, who got breast implants) "Is she kidding with that t-shirt? 'Keeping It Real'? There's nothing real in that shirt!"
PROTAGONIST: "Honey. She's my ex. I stare at car wrecks, too. That doesn't mean I want to be in one."
PROTAGONIST: What is the etiquette when someone you know gets a boob job? Do you compliment them on their purchase? Or do you pretend you think they suddenly hit puberty at the age of thirty four?
FRIEND: So how big did she go? Katy Perry? Pam Anderson!
PROTAGONIST: No comment. (THEN) Salma Hayek.
HOT GIRL (about her breasts): Dude, this is how these puppies came out of the box. Ninth grade. (Makes double explosion sound.)
PROTAGONIST: That must have been an awesome year.
UNCOOL COMPATRIOT, to PROTAGONIST: Women. Can't live with 'em, can't have heterosexual sex without 'em.
UNCOOL COMPATRIOT: I was going to invite that hot girl!
PROTAGONIST: I'll make a deal with you. I'll let you off the hook if you can tell me the hot girl's name.
UNCOOL COMPATRIOT: That's easy.
PROTAGONIST: Her real name. Big Red doesn't count.
UNCOOL COMPATRIOT: Crap. (Shot in the dark) Tanya.
UNCOOL COMPATRIOT: I got the T right!
With or without Sheen, and regardless of whether the venerable Two and a Half Men name stays on the air, it doesn’t look like CBS’s comedy lineup is shaking up anytime soon. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.