Covert Affairs: Pirate Protocol

Covert Affairs S03E03: “The Last Thing You Should Do”

Pirates make everything better... except when it comes to telling your fiancée that you’re a spy for the CIA. Then pirates are terrible inconveniences that make an already difficult conversation about a thousand times more suckass. Welcome to Auggie’s world.

So, after an afternoon chilling in the Red Sea with Parker’s Peace Corp pals, Wade and Debbie, Auggie popped The Question in the most adorable of proposals—stashing her pearl engagement ring in an oyster shell. Swoon.

Everything went south when Debbie slipped and knocked herself out, prompting Wade so send a distress signal to call for help. Bad move, Wade: As Auggie pointed out, pirates around those parts used intercepted distress signals to hone in on potential hostages. I can’t help but wonder, however, why Auggie didn’t perhaps point that out BEFORE their little excursion in pirate infested waters, or why he would even agree to go boating around there. I’m chalking it up to keeping his spy secret safe, but still, it seemed like an uncharacteristically big risk to take on Auggie’s part.

Parker started to show a little suspicion when Auggie emerged as some sort of pirate protocol expert, guiding his fellow hostages through the motions, fluently communicating with their captors, and ultimately orchestrating their escape. Things looked pretty grim when Parker’s ring was jacked by one of the pirates and her response to Auggie admitting that his real job is at the CIA was less than thrilled. To be fair, not being honest about your super dangerous career BEFORE asking someone to marry you is a total dick move.

Back in the States, Lena and Joan were forced to work together to orchestrate Auggie’s rescue. We learned that Lena has a habit of borrowing Joan’s assets and returning them in body bags. Joan didn’t appreciate Lena hijacking a French satellite to get surveillance on Auggie’s captors, which Lena brushed off with, “We can get great results by bending the rules.” Remember, kids, Lena is a capital-B Badass.

I have to give her some credit for actually addressing Annie’s concerns when Annie went to her with the mysterious phone call from Parker’s cell phone. I was expecting her to shrug everything off and tell Annie to go back to shagging Simon for intel.

Covert Affairs photos: "The Last Thing You Should Do"

Auggie’s special forces tattoo betrayed his past to Annalise, the American Pirate Queen in charge of negotiating with Lena for her captives’ ransom. She opted not to settle for the measly $2 million Lena had to offer and pointed out that she could get four for Auggie alone if she gave Hezbollah a call. The price steadily rose from $8 million to $10 million to $15 million following a botched rescue attempt from some mercenaries hired by Wade’s dad. Lena stood by her offer of $2 million.

When the pirates decided to move their hostages in the aftermath of that failed rescue, Auggie decided that enough was enough, and when their truck got stopped at a checkpoint in the city, he made his move. I do love me some Action Auggie. Blah blah blah, the pirates commenced with the chasing, but Auggie and Co. made a death-defying leap across two rooftops to be rescued via helicopter. Huzzah.

In the end, armed with the lost ring that poor hapless Wade literally FOUND during his trip to the bathroom in Hostage Land, Auggie proposed again, kneeling this time. I was prepared for Parker to say no. I cringed prematurely and hid behind my hands and everything. However, I’m not entirely convinced of the strength of her yes. It seemed reluctant—and her body language, expression, and the fact that she never put the ring back on all back that up.

What do you say? Is Auggie/Parker pretty much over before it’s even really begun?

Super Secret Spy Notes

– So Danielle is moving to California to give her marriage to Michael a second chance. While I was hard pressed to care because I find Danielle irritating at best, I’m concerned that this is going to eliminate laid-back-fun-times for Annie, and if so, then that WILL be a shame.

– I hate myself for saying this and I know, I KNOW it’s going to end badly at some point this season, but Annie and Simon are kind of adorable.

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