From L to R: Someone, somebody, whatsherface, that person, oh oh oh on the tip of my tongue, Urkel, guy, man, dude in hat, probably the country singer.
Every season, ABC announces a new cast of celebrity participants for its regular circus of prancing semi-famous people, Dancing With the Stars, and each season I have to look up more and more of the names. This year's crop of stars who are looking to reinvigorate their popularity through nimble footwork is a veritable list of "Who?" and for the umpteenth season in a row, the worst one yet.
Let's list them off alphabetically, because listing them according to popularity would be moot.
The platinum-selling country singer will be paired with last year's pro champ Karina Smirnoff. A country singer dancing with a Russian woman? I guess the Cold War really is over.
The Green Bay Packers wide receiver won a Super Bowl ring in 2011. But let's not kid ourselves, the Packers receiver we want to see on DWTS is Jordy Nelson. We know the white boy was underrated in football because of the color of his skin, now we want to see if he can dance!
This season's youngster thrown out to woo tweens and incorporate synergy with ABC sister network Disney Channel currently stars on the series Shake It Up. Ask your little sister.
The former child star is best known for her role as Laura Ingalls Wilder on Little House on the Prairie. Since then, she's served two terms as president of the Screen Actors Guild and directed the afterschool special Me and My Hormones. Star!
Okay, now I think ABC is just making people up. Jenkins is a British classical vocalist. Or so she says!
The R&B; and soul legend sang the hits "Every Beat of My Heart" and "I Heard it Through the Grapevine." She will be without The Pips.
Cuban actor Levy is here to draw in the Latino audience. He's appeared on Pasions and a show that was—no joke—called Los Teens. I'm totally Netflixin' that.
Cute as a button and never quite able to break that tough barrier between "entertainment magazine TV show host" and "actress," Menounous is the host of Extra. Her ABC bio also says that she loves "people, life, and trying new things." I always knew my hatred of new things would keep me from being a celebrity.
Navratilova was nicknamed "The Terminator" on the tennis court by me. She has won 59 Grand Slam titles, which is insane, including nine Wimbledon championships. She's a pioneer for her sport and female athletes everywhere, coming out as a lesbian in the 1980s. Remember her rivalry with Chris Evert? Remember that skit from Saturday Night Live?
She's known for her hosting duties on The View. But what you really need to know about her is that she doesn't believe in evolution, isn't sure that the earth is round, and thinks Jesus was the first thing on the planet.
Back in his day, Jack Wagner was THE STUD TO END ALL STUDS. He was like Rick Springfield, Eddie Money, and uhhh, some other old guy all rolled into one. Your mom thought about his character on General Hospital on lonely nights.
Seriously, is this the worst Dancing With the Stars lineup ever announced, or what?
It's customary for me to pick a winner and then forget about it for the rest of the season, so here goes: Donald Driver!