Elementary "Dirty Laundry" Review: Holmesland

Elementary S01E11: "Dirty Laundry"

This week, Sherlock Holmes did something I truly didn’t expect: He smoked out a nest of Russian spies. Yes, after a hotel manager’s body was found looking quite well for the wear, her grieving widower was in the course of events revealed to be nothing less than a sleeper agent puppeted by a foreign land, his daughter a prospective Georgetown student who as a full U.S. citizen would possibly one day have access to the highest governmental agencies! Guys, what popular show does this kind of remind you of? Need a hint?

Holmes had the gall to walk in on this fire hazard and say, “It's homage to my methodology!” Um, so far this show has established Holmes’ methodology as being staring at safes and racing about people’s houses while punching holes in their belongings. This was a Carrie Matheson homage if ever I did see one and to that I say: I can’t fault your taste, writers. If you’re going to rip off another show, Homeland is as good, if not better, than any. However, as there was no way Lucy Liu, sworn stoic, was going to pony up the cry faces, they brought in a bobo Kristen Stewart to ugly-sob her way through the episode.

Ugh, throw her in the river. What a horrible character. She PUSHED HER MOM, KNOCKED HER OUT—believed she had KILLED HER MOTHER and then fled the scene without making sure her mom was okay. I don’t care if your mother just transformed into Natasha from “Boris and,” you need to get her into an ambulance bitch!

As awful as they wrote the daughter, even she was more believable than that paperdoll character they threw in as the dad. How utterly, utterly ridiculous was the idea that a Russian spy so dedicated to his mission that he spent decades in a sham marriage and coldly inseminated his fellow agent in the name of Mother Russia folded completely after a brief conversation with an FBI agent? What happened to cyanide pills in wristwatches and throwing down a puff of smoke and running out of the room and all that? I mean, if we’re going to go balls to the wall loony tunes spy logic, let’s do damn well do it right. I was not impressed at how quickly a lifetime of gathering intelligence for the Russkies turned into this guy being like, “Check it I’m a spy, let’s parlay” over a cup of coffee.

I was truthfully not thrilled that this week’s deduction leading to a nest of espionage. That’s a little big-picture for Holmes, it borders on being completely irrelevant, and um, that thumb drive he found because it weighed down a compact was the shittiest detail this show has ever incorporated. Guess how much this thing weighs?

I collect thumb drives and I have several I wear as jewelry. Even the one I have that holds a whopping 32GB I can still barely feel when I pick it up and it looks EXACTLY LIKE THAT DRIVE. These things weigh about as much as the zippers on the fly of your jeans. So for Holmes to pick up a compact and be like “Waaaaait a minute, this is .00000003 grams heavier than I would expect women’s makeup, which fluctuates wildly from brand to brand in terms of packaging, to weigh,” like, amongst a swirl of laughable clues, that one made me groan. You CLEARLY don’t buy Chanel makeup because you could drive a truck over that compact! (JK I do NOT use Chanel I paint my face with magic markers and then seal in the shine with a thin layer of mayonnaise. Seamless!!!!)

Altogether, while ripping off Homeland was really transparent and annoying, at least it was a distraction from this show’s refusal to get started. Holmes continually offered an apprenticeship to Watson, who was up to her eyeballs in this week’s case, and then in a SHOCKING TWIST she said at the end of the episode that next week would be their last one working together. Elementary, who do you think you’re fooling? Are you honestly trying to create suspense by suggesting the premise of the show may or may not happen? It’s the laziest, dumbest, most boring way imaginable to extend the season arc. Are you writers really that tapped for ideas that the best conflict you can think of is for Watson to drag out her decision on whether to assist Holmes? Like, shame on you. I am totally giving you that look Saul gave Carrie when she came on to him. What the f*ck do you think you’re doing?!


1. SPIES?!!?

2. Did you like this week’s episode?

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