Five Ideas for Michael Emerson and Terry O'Quinn's TV Show

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Former Lost actors Michael Emerson and Terry O'Quinn spent much of the last half-decade trudging through wilderness, getting the snot beat out of them, and cleaning inch-thick, caked-on jungle-sludge off their bodies. So we'll forgive them if they want their next project to be a little more lighthearted.

Both have gone on record as saying they would love to work together again, and O'Quinn reportedly wrote a script as a vehicle for the duo. In fact, just this week Emerson told The Associated Press that he and Quinn were shopping around ideas for a show starring both of them. "[Emerson] hopes the show can acknowledge their 'age and frailty,'" the AP said. "Emerson says he envisions a show where, if their characters get hit in the face, they 'don't get up for a month.'"

O'Quinn's script idea is a pretty good one: He and Emerson would play suburban hitmen with domestic difficulties. But everyone knows that in Hollywood, producers will inevitably ask, "What else you got?"

So here are a few ideas that O'Quinn and Emerson are free to borrow in their pitch meetings.

My Bully and Me, Comedy
In this screwball comedy, Bernie (O'Quinn) needs to rent a room and stumbles upon the only Craigslist posting that fills his needs. However, the man who is renting out the room turns out to be his old elementary school bully, Gus (Emerson)! Now they're all grown up, but Gus still wants to boss Bernie around! There's just one problem: Gus is the same height he was in elementary school! Watch as these two men grow apart, grow together, and learn a thing or two about life. Also, who will win the heart of the cute girl across the hall (played by Sonya Walger)? Coming this fall on ABC, right after Cougar Town!

Mulholland Heights Avenue Estates, Sexy Drama
Age ain't nothing but a number! Who are these two hot middle-aged men that just moved into the posh, sexy neighborhood of Mulholland Heights Avenue Estates? Brock (O'Quinn) and Ramon (Emerson) have mysterious pasts, and it drives the ladies of Mulholland Heights Avenue Estates wild! As do their shirtless car washes! Even the men of Mulholland Heights Avenue Estates are finding a hidden sexuality awakening from deep inside them. Is anyone immune to the raw sexiness of these two? Also starring Josh Holloway as the scheming previous stud of the neighborhood. Coming this fall to Lifetime!

Vamp Camp, Comedy
In this family romp, Larry (Emerson) is an out-of-work and down-on-his-luck mailman who just wants to catch a break. During a routine delivery to the old Pembleton Mansion, he accidentally knocks over a vase, infuriating the owner, a 5,000-year-old vampire named Hans von Pembleton (O'Quinn). In order to repay his debt, Hans orders Larry to serve as chief camp counselor at his summer camp... for vampire kids! Will Larry be able to survive the shift from day to night? What will Hans think of Larry's totem pole arts-and-crafts project that involves sharpening wooden sticks? And just for the heck of it, let's throw some werewolves in there! Featuring Jorge Garcia as the cafeteria lady. Vamp Camp, this summer on the Disney Channel!

CIU, Procedural
Criminal Investigation Unit is just like every other CBS procedural, but starring Emerson and O'Quinn. The network will put pretty much any procedural on the air, so make them Army mathematicians or something. Obviously sandwiched between CSI and NCIS.

Cop Doctors, Drama
In a world... where no one is willing to stand up for justice... two men are our last hope. Chester (Emerson) is a cop who secretly moonlights as a graveyard shift emergency room surgeon. Lester (O'Quinn) is a brain surgeon who moonlights as a detective. Chester's wife and Lester's sister were both killed by the same man: a powerful CEO of an oil-drilling company who buys off the authorities. Lester and Chester—two guys who play by their own rules—decide to team up to bring him down. Spoiler alert! In the stunning season finale when no lawyers will dare take the case for fear of being buried by the CEO, Chester and Lester reveal a secret: They're also lawyers. Co-starring Nestor Carbonell as the murderous executive. Fox, Thursdays.

Do you have any ideas for new shows that Terry and Michael could use?

Follow writer Tim Surette, who realizes all the ideas above are stupid, on Twitter: @TimAtTVDotCom

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