For a First-Timer, Burn Notice is Painful to Watch

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Time for another installment of "TV Virgin"! This time: Burn Notice—you know, that other Miami-based show where the lead character wears sunglasses. Anyway, here's my take on "Noble Causes," Thursday's episode of Burn Notice—and remember, be gentle. It's my first time, guys.

0:04 I definitely didn't expect Jeffrey Donovan's voice to sound like that. I thought it'd be deeper?
0:15 But it's really nice that they give this little synopsis thing at the beginning. For Burn Notice virgins like myself.
1:35 I'm not sure I'm okay with Donovan's acting. He looks at the camera way too much. And he smiles like Jerry Seinfeld did when he couldn't keep a straight face.
2:35 The British psychopath is creepy! And so is Claude! This is so bad! I thought it was a good show! Why am I using so many exclamation marks?
3:46 Such uncreative quips! Such obvious sentence-finishing! So much exposition! So many emotionally-charged head-cocks! What kind of script is this?
6:32 I seriously can't think of anything else to say besides "I wish Burn Notice would give me a second to guess what the character is thinking." The characters keep on blabbing about what they're about to do.
7:50 These scene transitions are so cheesy, too. The music. The fade-ins.
9:03 This show would have made great fodder for I Love the 80s, if it had been made in the 80s. I think Hal Sparks would have a great time making fun of all the synth.
9:43 The guy who plays Sugar is really over-acting his part.
11:05 A split screen? What is this, a Bond spoof?
13:18 Explosions! Woooo!
13:33 And Sugar goes downnnnnnnnnnnnn.
14:55 Did he just teach us how to make a bomb? Is that legal?
15:09 All this stylization is really distracting. The black-and-white fades, especially.
15:49 Lynch? Dougie?
16:01 Gilroy? Claude? Seriously, is anyone listening to these names?
16:43 Awww, Gilroy matches Michael. Too bad Michael looks infinitely better in those sunglasses.
17:20 I hate it when people say "Ta-ta!"
17:56 Gratuitous boat porn!
18:39 Dougie. I've seen that guy before. Aha! Damian from Mean Girls.
20:19 Gratuitous shots of women in bikinis!
22:43 I like the font they use to identify each character on the screen. See, I can give a compliment.
25:23 I might like this part of the show. Westen's placebo-effect idea was pretty badass. And watching him go undercover is rather exciting. I just can't stand Donovan's voice! He speaks so slowly and deliberately. Hurry up!
26:41 See, this is what I meant before. That one announces that he's going to go get the schedule, then the other two map out the rest of the investigation out loud right there at the table. Where's the spontaneity? Will they let us viewers figure out anything on our own?
26:52 Why does Fiona wear those stupid onesies?
27:55 "I can't. It's complicated. People could get hurt." Could he have said that with any less enthusiasm?
30:10 Donovan is way better at playing this hick delivery dude than he is playing Westen.
31:19 Gabrielle Anwar's accent keeps slipping. Where is she from?
33:51 Poor Dougie. Something bad is going to happen to him, in case you couldn't tell from the mean guy's sarcasm and the mysterious music playing in the background.
34:38 Explosion! Loud guitars! Guns!
35:11 Split screens!
36:21 Sentimental moment.
36:45 There's still 6 minutes left in the episode. That means something bad is still going to happen! Even if it's not to Dougie anymore.
38:20 I have never been so bored during a covert operation.
39:29 Of course he shows up to his mother's event. That's what a good sonny-boy does.

Okay, obviously I'm missing something. Isn't this show supposed to be good? Isn't this Westen fellow supposed to be some sort of kick-ass smooth operator? I found myself not caring about a nerdy guy with a monotone voice and no sense of humor dolled up in nice clothes and driving a sexy car. It didn't fit. And even after that episode-opening backstory, I still feel like I knew nothing. The script used too much insider-lingo at one time, and then too much unnecessary information about the case at others. And none of these actors have any chemistry whatsoever! Call me crazy, but this show should have been burned a long time ago.


Follow TV.com writer Stefanie Lee on Twitter: @StefAtTVDotCom

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