What to watch on Friday, June 17.
I don't know about you, but this week smelled like old baloney and looked like hell. It was the kind of week that invited itself over for dessert and then got handsy with your dog. Know what I'm saying? Get out of here, weirdo! Anyway, it's the weekend now, so let's all just relax and appreciate it.
Friday Night Lights
After his blink-and-you-missed-it-cameo-Easter-egg in Super 8, it's pretty cool to see Kyle Chandler front and center in something. Oh no, I just remembered this show is almost over! I better hurry and type the summary before the tears start coming: Tonight Coach Taylor considers suspending Vince, plus Luke struggles with the idea of becoming quarterback. (dreamy sigh)
SERIES FINALE, 10:30pm, IFC
The Whitest Kids U'Know
I guess these kids are about to go get a tan and become full-grown adults or something, because this show is ending tonight! Tune in for the glorious finale, in which said whitest kids bring us sketches about moms, TV reporters, and sophomores. (p.s. Still waiting for that Miss March apology, you guys.)
VH1 Storytellers: Maxwell
Ladies!!! Don't you think tonight is the perfect night to just stay home and light some candles and just give yourself over to the quiet storm? Maxwell is the sensual foot massage of R&B; singers. And handsome! Plus, Kate Bush, you better call 911 because Maxwell stole "This Woman's Work" from you forever.
It's still in question whether this is a real show or not. It certainly doesn't SOUND like a real show. I guess I could actually tune in and find out whether Flashpoint is a real show, but I could also NOT tune in, you know? One of those is definitely the more attractive option. Anyway, in tonight's "episode" of "Flashpoint," the team members throw each other under the bus during a requalification exam, plus someone gets shot. Probably one of the main characters. That's assuming this is a real show that has main characters.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Wizards of Waverly Place, 8 p.m., Disney Channel
Dateline NBC, 9 p.m., NBC
Dual Survival, 9 p.m., Discovery
How It's Made, 9 p.m., Science
Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, 9 p.m., ABC
Say Yes to the Dress, 9 p.m., TLC
Whale Wars, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
20/20, 10 p.m., ABC
Real Time with Bill Maher, 10 p.m., HBO
The Soup, 10 p.m., E!
Fashion Police, 10:30 p.m., E!
Storytellers: Ray Lamontagne, 11 p.m., VH1
What to watch on Saturday, June 18...
SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, Bio
Celebrity Close Calls
Celebrities: They get held hostage in motel rooms just like us! Well, this certainly looks more interesting than discussions about their craft. Get ready for some true life horror stories as told by the rich and famous, like Ice-T's car crash or Yancy Butler's motel room hostage crisis.
2010: Moby Dick
Haha, fine. A modern day Moby Dick in which Ahab is both the captain of a submarine and played by BARRY BOSTWICK! Keep up the good work, The Asylum.
SERIES FINALE, 9pm, Fox
America's Most Wanted
This is a poignant one, but tonight sees the last regular episode of America's Most Wanted, a show Fox has been keeping alive only out of the kindness of its heart for about 15 years now. Don't worry, true crime fans, it'll show up in two-hour specials throughout the year. Until then, we can all get our terrible-reenactments fix over at Investigation Discovery.
SEASON 3 PREMIERE, 9pm, Bio
Celebrity Ghost Stories
Hear Regis Philbin's spine-tingling tale about sleeping in a haunted house! Also, Jamie King's description of being attacked by an evil entity. I'm guessing it was John Galliano during her modeling days? #fashion
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
CHAOS, 8 p.m., CBS
Cops, SEASON 23 FINALE, 8 p.m., Fox
Outcasts, SERIES PREMIERE, 9 p.m., BBC America
Rock the House, ORIGINAL MOVIE, 9 p.m., Hallmark Channel
Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
48 Hours Mystery, 10 p.m., CBS
What to watch on Sunday, June 19...
Game of Thrones
This one hurts. It HURTS. Why must all the good things go away? There might as well not even BE anymore seasons, that's how hard it will be to wait for the next one. What am I supposed to do, READ the books? I am hardly even literate! Anyway, tonight the BAD NEWS from last week sweeps across the land and each family must decide how to proceed. "Byeeeeeeee!" —George R. R. Martin
SERIES PREMIERE, 9pm, TNT
Okay, it's not the end of the world: This show about the end of the world looks pretty good. In tonight's two-hour premiere of the new Steven Spielberg-produced extraterrestrials thriller (ALL movies about aliens are now produced by Steven Spielberg), Noah Wyle finds himself leading a group of rebels against evil alien overlords.
SEASON 1 FINALE, 10pm, AMC
The Killing was either great or boring depending on your patience, but you've really got to admire the way it were able to eke out a whole season from two episodes' worth of material. That's just the television version of going green, you know? What will happen in tonight's finale? Maybe there will be a cliffhanger where a SECOND body turns up? Whatever, at least we have one last chance to bust out our bingo cards!
SPECIAL, 9pm, NBC
Miss USA Pageant
Just so we're clear, this is definitely the Donald Trump one. Also, it's hosted by Bravo's Andy Cohen and E!'s Giuliana Rancic, with color commentary by Kelly Osbourne. That said, easy-on-the-eyes 2010 Miss USA Rima Fakih WILL be in attendance. It's your call, viewers.
AWARDS SPECIAL, 8pm, CBS
Daytime Emmy Awards
Join host Wayne Brady for this wonderful celebration of things that air on television while you're at work. This year, both Pat Sajak and Alex Trebek will receive Lifetime Achievement Awards, but per Daytime Emmy rules, only one of them will be allowed to leave the stage ALIVE. Don't worry, the first few rows of audience will wear plastic ponchos like at Gallagher shows.
SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, OWN
Ryan & Tatum: The O'Neals
Probably the best way to end your 25 year father-daughter estrangement is through a highly contrived reality show on the Oprah network. Everyone knows this. In tonight's series premiere, Tatum "Michael Jackson deflowerer" O'Neal invites Ryan "Oh God, oh man, oh God, oh man" O'Neal to her birthday party.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
60 Minutes, 7 & 8 p.m., CBS
Coal, SEASON 1 FINALE, 8 p.m., Spike
Mob Wives, 8 p.m., VH1
Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes, 8 p.m., OWN
16 & Pregnant: Where Are They Now?, 9 p.m., MTV
AFI Life Achievement Award 2011: Morgan Freeman, AWARDS SPECIAL, 9 p.m., TV Land
Bridezillas, 9 p.m., WE
Drop Dead Diva, SEASON 3 PREMIERE, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Finding Sarah: From Royalty to the Real World, 9 p.m., OWN
Ice Road Truckers, 9 p.m., History
Law & Order: Criminal Intent, 9 p.m., USA
Masterpiece Mystery!, 9 p.m., PBS
Next Food Network Star, 9 p.m., Food Network
The Glee Project, 9 p.m., Oxygen
Finding Bigfoot, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
Freaky Eaters, 10 & 10:30 p.m., TLC
In Plain Sight, 10 p.m., USA
Keeping Up With the Kardashians, 10 p.m., E!
Real Housewives of New Jersey, 10 p.m., Bravo
The Glades, 10 p.m., A&E;
The Protector, 10 p.m., Lifetime
The Killing, 10 p.m., AMC
The Real L Word, 10 p.m., Showtime
Treme, 10 p.m., HBO
Ice Loves Coco, 10:30 p.m., E!
Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1, 11:45 p.m., Cartoon Network
Mongo Wrestling Alliance, MIDSEASON PREMIERE, 12:15 a.m., Cartoon Network
What are you watching this weekend?