Spring is here and the sun is finally shining on most of the country, and that means those of you with pasty, ghost-like skin are prone to sunburn. Did you know that you can use FTW vs. WTF as sunblock, ensuring you'll avoid melanoma? It's easy, just print out 120 copies of this article and duct tape them all over your body. You don't even need to wear clothes underneath! Trust us, you'll be the coolest-looking person at the party. Just don't forget to cut out eye holes, a nose hole, ear holes, a mouth hole, and probably one for your bottom in case nature calls. There, we just saved your life. Now let's talk about what we liked and didn't like from the last seven days in television.
Ach mein, Glöb! Adventure Time's Season 6 premiere was algebraic to the 10th power
Here's what happened in "Wake Up" and "Escape from The Citadel": Prismo was killed by the Lich; Finn's dad, Martin, turned out to be an intergalactic criminal who didn't seem to care or remember that he had a son; Martin and a bunch of other convicts escaped a cosmic clink after the Lich staged a jailbreak; and the Lich is now a giant, harmless baby in the care of Tree Trunks and Mr. Pig. Oh, and one other thing: FINN LOST HIS ARM. The heavily foreshadowed event occurred when the Grass Blade grew massive in size as Finn struggled to prevent his dad and the convicts from escaping... and then just snapped off. Between the losses of Finn's arm, Prismo, and apparently the Lich as a force of evil, nothing in the world of Adventure Time will be the same.
Erlich goes on a naming trip in Silicon Valley
After the Pied Piper guys realized they were facing potential trademark infringement on an existing company's moniker, Erlich set out on a vision quest to find inspiration and come up with a new name. But traffic derailed his spiritual journey, so he ended up tripping balls—complete with animated tech logos—in a gas station bathroom instead. This show is great.
When is AMC going to announce a Sally Draper spin-off?
Sally made her first appearance of Mad Men's seventh season in "A Day's Work," reminding us she's actually the show's best character (and that we really just want to be best friends with Kiernan Shipka). When a trip into the city led to Sally's discovery that something was "off" about Don's work status, the two shared quite a moment after both parties realized they had some 'splaining to do. The conversation (and really, the lack thereof) between father and daughter in the diner was steeped in history, but not in a cloying way. SHOCKING DEATHS and SURPRISE TWISTS are great and all, but they can't really compete with Sally's sudden "I love you" + door-shutting combo.
Stephen Colbert wins television
The new host of Late Show found himself on the other side of the desk this week and produced two interesting, funny interviews. Colbert dropped out of character to visit the man whose job he'll be taking in 2015, and he and Letterman discussed the fact that Colbert almost worked as a Late Show staff writer back in the 1990s. A day later, he popped up on The Daily Show—this time back in character—to inform Jon Stewart of his imminent departure. While both interviews point to Colbert's inherent skill as a performer, it's hard not to feel a pang of sadness for what we're soon to lose once he leaves the Report.
Philip hates church so much on The Americans
America's favorite Russian spy family accompanied Paige to church on Wednesday, just to see what the "opiate of the masses" was all about. Decreasingly even-keeled this season, Philip immediately found himself none too pleased with Pastor Tim's fairy-tale message of grace and forgiveness. Worse still was the discovery that Paige had donated $600 of her "Europe trip" money to the fold, an act that Elizabeth and Philip interpreted as a slap in the face to her own unappreciated providers. Surprisingly, zero pastors were harmed, but Tim had better steer clear of Paige if he wants to live to see another sermon.
Dinner With Friends With Brett Gelman and Friends
The Adult Swim special from Go On's Mr. K and the man behind Eagleheart (Jason Woliner) was a masterpiece of absurdism, frying every brain that happened upon the comedic horror show. It started with Gelman hosting a dinner party for his pals, which included Fringe's Lance Reddick, Girls' Alex Karpovsky, The Newsroom's Alison Pill, and—yes!—Gilbert Gottfried, and turned into something out of Saw's nightmares. We still don't know what we watched, but we want to watch it again.
Parks and Recreation's Leslie Knope has three kids... and BANGS!
"Moving Up" definitely felt more like a series finale than a season finale, and the three-year time jump that closed out the episode only solidified the fact that it could've been the end. But we're excited to see where this takes our favorite Pawnee citizens in Season 7. The triplets are toddlers, Larry is now Terry, Ben has a crazy fancy night ahead of him, and Andy's arm is in a sling. WHY IS ANDY'S ARM IN A SLING?
No Arrow, that's cool, we didn't need our hearts anyway
In an attempt to prove she was a good mother to her children, Moira sacrificed herself to save Ollie and Thea after the trio was kidnapped by Slade and subjected to the same "choose one person to save" situation that Ivo put Oliver through on the island. Her death was one of those hurts-so-good TV moments, and it will surely reverberate throughout the rest of the season... especially since it became all the more heartbreaking once we realized she'd known the truth about Oliver's alter ego all along. R.I.P., Mama Queen.
It's a girl for Archer!
Credit where credit's due: Archer made a bold move in blowing up ISIS for a full season's worth of messy, cocaine-filled adventures. Some of them were definitely more successful than others, but we can't complain about "Arrivals/Departures," which wrapped up Vice with some extra-twisty twists and surprising emotional beats while laying the foundation for a return to spy-agency shenanigans (and hopefully "phrasing") in Season 6. And even with so many threads tied up in the finale, there are so many big questions to explore!
Is Krieger a clone now? Do we still have our Krieger? Is your dad still big into tapas? We can't wait to get some answers, you crazy kids.
That scene from Game of Thrones
We love it when Game of Thrones goes off the rails, and this week's controversial scene between Jaime and Cersei (and a corpse) involved incest, rape, and rape-y incest at the foot of their dead child's deathbed, with the body still atop it. Yikes! The subject matter put it squarely in that often-uncomfortable category of Game of Thrones' craziest scenes, but as the entire internet has since noted, was the rape really necessary? The tone of the coupling was different on the show than it was in the books (where Cersei was definitely complicit), making it more about Jaime forcing himself on her—but to what end? Director Alex Graves said the scene was about a power struggle, while George R.R. Martin said he regrets that people found it disturbing for the "wrong reasons," but also led readers to believe that the change from book to show was the real culprit. It sounds like the scene didn't convey what the show's producers wanted it to, and what we're left with now is a hot mess of outrage.
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. axes Agent Koenig
"The Only Light in the Darkness" put an end of Patton Oswalt excellent guest-star gig after just two episodes, and frankly, that's not cool. But we have to give S.H.I.E.L.D. props for going there, because Agent Koenig's death raises the stakes, and Ward the Unpredictable Villain is our favorite kind of Ward. But still, Patton Oswalt? For shame.
HBO cuts a surprising deal with Amazon
In a move that shocked many within the industry, HBO licensed a big chunk of its programming catalog to Amazon, making Prime the exclusive non-HBO GO home for all those episodes of The Wire you lied and said you watched in 2008. Of course, the deal won't bring current HBO series to Prime for another three years and doesn't include Game of Thrones at all, so don't delete your mom's GO password quite yet. Nevertheless, this move signals that HBO knows it has to compete in the streaming-video market, which probably isn't the best news for Netflix.
The weirdest death in Vampire Diaries history?
We've seen almost every variation of violent death on The CW's preeminent monster drama, but this week we saw one vampire force another vampire to rip his own heart out. Yeah, it was a major bummer to see our beloved Enzo push himself away from Stefan while Stefan had a grip on his heart, but major points for making it so memorable! Considering the collapsing Other Side and Ghost Enzo's vow of revenge, it's pretty obvious he's not going anywhere, or else we'd be sadder about his death. For now we can just be grossed out/appreciative of his preferred method of suicide, we guess?
Seriously, how is the The Following even going to be a viable show in Season 3?
Trying to make sense of Fox's ridiculous serial-killer series is pretty futile at this point, but still—killing off the most entertainingly insane character? For shame! Don't get us wrong, Emma was as annoying as they come, but we did love to hate her, and for whatever reason, she'll be missed. You know, assuming she isn't miraculously resurrected in the future, which seems like a distinct possibility, multiple stab wounds notwithstanding. You do you, The Following.
Supernatural wastes our time
You'd think the show would know better by now, but "Annie Alex Alexis Ann" was filler of the worst variety. The episode was a forgettable bore and did nothing to move the season forward, while taunting us with the always-awesome Jody Mills. It's not her fault she got stuck on this suckfest.
Black Box's manic debut
ABC's terrible new medical drama looks at mental illness through the lens of picture-book intellectualism, sending its bipolar protagonist into farcical fits of fancy every time she's off her pills for 15 minutes. Catherine Black (yup, that's her name) shucks, jives, and screws whenever she's free of her medication binds, and the result is something so off base that it's just sad. All this AND a bad jazz soundtrack? Ugh.
Modern Family went down under
ABC's hit comedy celebrated being a hit comedy by treating its cast and producers to a paid vacation to Australia, but it wasn't that much fun for us. "Australia" (clever episode title!) traveled to the home of the koala because that's where Phil was conceived, but its plot wasn't well-conceived at all. It was just a big tourism ad and another mediocre episode full of recycled jokes from what was once a great show. At least Phil got punched by a kangaroo, Rhys Darby made an appearance, and Gloria squeezed into a Gloria-iffic bikini, though.
What's on YOUR list of TV loves and hates this week? Liz and Tom's big showdown on The Blacklist? Castle's '70s show? The Boondocks finally returning to television after four years away? Share your own FTWs and WTFs in the comments!