GUYS! GUYS! There's only like *counts* 16 days left for Christmas shopping and like zero days left for Hannukah shopping and like 17 days left for Kwanzaa shopping and like 14 days left for Festivus shopping! But here's a holiday gift idea that will never fail! Print out this article, fold it over on itself twice, put a bow on it, and give it to a loved one. Then you can hold it over their heads and remind them, "Remember in 2012 when I gave you that printed out version of TV.com's FTWTF from December 9, 2012, and you didn't give me anything? Go get me a burrito now." Command-P, try it.
So to you, future gift recipient who pulls this out in the future to show your friends the worst holiday gift you ever received EVER, here are the best and worst things on television from the week of December 2-8, 2012!
"You Missed a Spot," a new single by Dalia Royce
The jewel of Suburgatory's Christmas episode was Dalia's "Friday"-esque musical plea for Carmen to return to the Royce residence (yes, there was a nod to "Gangnam Style," too). Carly Chaikin, you're simply amazing. Bonus FTW status goes to Ryan's Planet of the Apes reaction to finding out he's adopted.
Vanity Fair's Freaks and Geeks oral history, with old and new pics
These Breaking Bad cupcakes
The Governor-Michonne throwdown in the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead
The show might rely on blood and gore like it's going out of style, but we can't recall a more brutal physical encounter between two people on television this year. Maybe this one should be in the WTF category, because that's certainly what we were screaming at the top of our lungs as the visceral affair unfolded in terrifyingly methodical fashion, with severed zombie heads chomping like snapping turtles. And it was bookended by fantastic character moments when The Governor saw his precious Penny at katana-point and Andrea and Michonne had their staredown.
Piano Man tells us how he REALLY feels on Glee
Losing sectionals prematurely ended the competition season and sent the usual denizens of the choir room scattering, including the seen-but-never-heard Piano Man: “I hate those kids! Do you know how demeaning it is when they say ‘Hit it!’ and you’re just supposed to know what song they’re going to sing?!”
The Vampire Diaries salvages that unappealing sire-bond plotline
We were dubious when last week's episode revealed that Elena was sire-bonded to Damon, but our fears about this dead-end narrative were laid to rest this week when it became clear that the writers themselves saw it as a non-issue. Add to that a minimalistic, truly moving final scene, and it's clear we had no reason to worry. Damon and Elena are happening and the world continues spinning ever onward.
Hobbit Week on The Colbert Report
There was a new opening sequence featuring Mordhattan and the Brook Lands, plus a hobbit hole on the set! Stephen Colbert wore prosthetic hobbit feet! Lots of people from the movie came on the show as guests! Fun stuff.
Bravo is Developing a TV version of Death Becomes Her
If it's at least half as good as Teen Wolf (and contains no Real Housewives cameos), sign us up!
The Mindy Project dumps Stephen Tobolowsky
The prolific actor was the victim of a show overhaul that also saw a few other characters fired or demoted. But the first law of television states, "The less Tobolowsky, the worse." All these changes already? Who does The Mindy Project think it is, Up All Night?
Everything that is happening on Gossip Girl right now
If you thought Gossip Girl couldn't get any worse after the last time you watched it (whenever that was), you were wrong. A show that used to be one of the "buzziest" and "trendiest" series on the air is now zombie-limping to a conclusion with high-stakes stories involving microfilm, cooked books, and typewriters. Well, everyone is still awful, so we guess one thing hasn't changed since 2008.
Amanda Brown got sent home on The Voice
She was robbed! ROBBED!
Dual-screen TV watching may lead to depression
A new study from Michigan State University reveals that the more you use devices like phones and tablets while watching TV, the more likely you are to be depressed. While it's never a good idea to assume causation with these sorts of studies, we'd like to encourage you to stop tweeting and Facebooking during your favorite shows just in case. But you should totally keep using TV.com while you watch because we guarantee happy feel-goods if you do.
American Horror Story: Asylum somehow made a Santa-on-nun assault UNfun to watch
We like our over-the-top grand guignol set pieces as much as the next horror fan, but something about this week's Christmas-themed episode of AHS just didn't sit well. It was possibly the unrelenting psychological hostage-murder of the cold open, or perhaps the brutal, S&M-laced; beating of Jessica Lange's character by a psycho Santa, but in its season-long attempts to skirt the line of tastelessness, the show may have spent too much time on the wrong side of the line this week.
That unfortunate Skype product placement on Homeland
It's saying something when one of Homeland's most insane episodes yet is nearly derailed by a product placement: Abu Nazir uses Skype! Was that really the context in which you wanted your product featured, Mr. Skype? And does Skype even work on BlackBerrys?
What's on *your* list of TV loves and hates this week?