After a week of poop cruises, manhunts and cabin infernos, and exploding meteors, it's time for everyone to recognize the truly important things that happened over the past seven days, like what happened on The Bachelor and the rest of the television! We've got everything from awesome casting to terrible scheduling below, so join us in recounting the best and worst from the week that was.
The Bachelor's wicked witch was sent packing
Sean Lowe became everyone's most respected Bachelor when he gave the old heave-ho to Tierra based on her general air of drama and his big sister's advice. Whereas previous Bachelors (paging Ben Flapjacks) made a big deal about how their judgement of who to keep around was not to be questioned, Sean made life easier on himself and the three other women he presumably cares about. Good for you, Sean!
#FREEBATES was finally achieved on Downton Abbey
After being in jail for ALL OF THE YEARS, Bates was finally released. This in turned freed us from the ridiculous and boring prison plot (Prison narratives in the 1920s: They're just like prison narratives in the 2010s!). Once he returned to Downton (and hung some curtains in the little house Slumlord Grantham gave to him and Anna), he unraveled the nasty business that O'Brien had been developing between Thomas and Jimmy lickety-split, and even managed to somehow get Thomas a promotion as a result.
Shameless lets Carl spread his wings
Through two seasons, Shameless has given only a glimpse at the potentially terrifying future of young Carl Gallagher. In "The Helpful Gallaghers," it was a wise decision to give Carl a field trip on his own. The storyline came as a result of a failed Make-A-Wish scam by Frank that saw TV's worst parent convincing his son that he'd "caught cancer" from his grandmother, but it allowed Carl a trip to summer camp for his trouble. Watching the newly bald Carl lead a pack of actually terminally ill children in pursuit of a final, scandalous wish may have been the funniest Shameless payoff to date.
Ron Swanson is now taking your calls
"Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash." "The next thing you wanna do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a real dog." The cranky, mustachioed Parks Dept. employee did a bang-up job while filling in for Leslie on Pawnee Today with a self-titled segment called You're On With Ron, and now we're thinking he should do his own thing on Public Access. Maybe a recurring bit, Troy and Abed in the Morning-style?
The One Black Guy in Every Commercial responds to SNL
Remember last week when SNL's Weekend Updated welcomed Corey, the one black guy in every commercial? The REAL one black guy, Craig Frank, responded with the YouTube video above, and it makes us think maybe he should do some sketches for SNL. Regardless, we think you're pretty funny, Mr. Frank. Hopefully you'll land something better than this terrible McDonald's ad soon.
FX builds The Bridge
Basic cable's best network has another winner in the makings, with an order for 13 episodes of the new drama from Homeland writer Meredith Stiehm. The Bridge follows detectives working on opposite sides of the U.S.-Mexico border to stop a serial killer who's hacking and slashing in both countries. Early word on this is great, and we're excited.
AMC gets terrorized by The Terror
AMC has announced that it's developing the historical fiction/arctic expedition horror novel The Terror as a potential TV series. So now that story of a doomed shipwreck in subzero temperatures plus ice ghosts, scurvy, and madness will finally be told. Awesome!
Jason Isaacs and Kyle Chandler might return to TV
The Awake star is headed to the CBS pilot Surgeon General, where he'll play America's doc. Given CBS's luck with dramas, this could mean Isaacs will be on TV for a long time, and that's a good thing. And the Friday Night Lights coach is joining Showtime's pilot The Vatican, a thriller about the politics of the Catholic Church.
Game of Thrones plushies
The HBO show has a collection of stuffed Direwolf and dragon egg toys in the works! (The image above, via The Daily Blam, was taken at a toy fair.) We're still waiting for the Bran backpack.
The Walking Dead's ever-rising ratings
Over 12 million people watched The Walking Dead mid-season premiere last Sunday. And that was when the show was up against the Grammys, not a ratings slouch in its own right. If you were to add up the total viewership ratings for NBC's Thursday-night comedy block, it'd be about two million viewers shy of The Walking Dead's number, and the zombie drama is currently topping all non-CBS and non-American Idol broadcasts. AMC executives still don't know how to run a successful television network, but they'll be so busy counting money that it doesn't even matter.
One fan's alternate ending to the mid-season premiere of The Walking Dead
Now THIS would have made a lot more sense. (GIF via reddit)
Happy Endings is moving to Fridays
This poor show. ABC execs can say all they want about how they love the comedy and want to see it succeed, but bumping it to Fridays in order to schedule Celebrity Wife Swap on Tuesdays suggests otherwise. We're so bummed we don't even feel like trying to make a bad joke about sad endings/not-so-happily-ever-afters/etc.
More silly Jared ads
The airline stewardess in the Jared (the Galleria of Jewelry!) commercial getting on the plane's intercom and announcing to a flight full of people that "He went to JARED!"—which, yes, we know it's the tagline they're trying to push but it sounds like she was calling him out for nickel-and-diming her engagement ring. "This guy up here is trying to propose with a Cracker Jack prize, LOL!!!"
The premiere of Zero Hour
What in the what in the WHAT? All that crazy and it still debuted as ABC's lowest-rated debut ever? You disappoint frozen Nazis everywhere, America.
Community's ratings in week two
This is the first time our once beloved Community has appeared in the WTF department in back-to-back weeks. Last week it was for the questionable quality of the Season 4 premiere, this week it's for the dismal ratings for Episode 2. After much clamoring for Greendale's big return, the show hit a series low with its Valloween episode. Poor scheduling on NBC's part, or poor everything on Community's part? Either way THIS SUCKS, GUYS.
Peter Sarsgaard joins The Killing
It's silly enough that The Killing is even still a thing, but somehow, AMC keeps making our national nightmare worse by adding... legitimately good performers to the cast? Peter Sarsgaard, last seen being sort of creepy but also just maybe a guy in lots of middling films, will play a lifelong convict on the show's upcoming third season. Elias "Hey, It's That Guy!" Koteas is also signing up for miserable Vancouver weather and likely more miserable writing. We assume they'll both be involved in the Rosie Larsen case, even though it's closed. Veena Sud doesn't care about your need for resolution.