Today, while most people are all eyes on Peyton Manning versus that lockdown Seahawks secondary, we'll be all eyes on the best of the TV week versus the worst of the TV week. That's right, put a funnel in your mouth and start pouring in the nachos and the mozzarella sticks, because it's time for the Super Bowl edition of FTW vs. WTF!
Kroll Show's YouTubeulogy to Grampa Goobie (complete with Amy Poehler)
Resident Rich Dicks Aspen and Wendy were joined by Rich Dick sister "Heath" in a slapdash memorial to a deceased, wealthy grandfather. What followed was a chaotic pool party, complete with pills, Dick Tracy costumes, a jab at Wes Anderson parodies, and, of course, decadent incest. We'll see you later, we have to go change our ringtones to Poehler saying "Uh... rest in peace" in her "dumb" voice.
Miley Cyrus brings the heat to Unplugged
Say what you want about Miley—pretty much everyone in
the modern world already has—but what sets her apart from her pop-tart
contemporaries is pretty simple: She can sing. Her Unplugged session was a great reminder of that fact, as she tore through some of Bangerz' overproduced
tracks with real zeal and range. Her outfits were unbelievably silly
and the Madonna's guest spot is getting all the buzz, but the episode is worth seeking out nonetheless.
The Workaholics fish-vomit fight
Don't ask how, but Ders and Adam ended up in an empty pool, slapping each
other with dead fish and then throwing up in each other's faces when the
fish exploded and got into their mouths. And we have the .GIF to prove
True Detective's elephant-man Sasquatch nightmare
Those who complained about the show being slow can shut up now. In the
final minutes of this week's episode, the plot careened forward as Hart and
Cohle closed in on a suspect in the Dora Lange murder, and the
final shot revealed their target walking through the grass with a machete in
his hand while wearing a gas mask and a pair of tighty whities. It's that kind of nightmare-inspiring scene that makes True Detective the best show currently on the air.
Pretty Little Liars' Ezra might be Board Shorts, or A, or a red herring, or something?
Following in the footsteps of her idol Jessie Spano, a strung-out,
exhausted Spencer found herself so excited and then so scared. So
excited to finally try to identify Alison's mystery man who might've
been stalking her, and who's near the top of the Liars' Most
Wanted list. So scared because the guy might just be her English
teacher and teenage-girl enthusiast, Ezra Fitz. The show left things kind
of open as to whether or not he's actually Board Shorts, just like he
could totally be A... or just a gross dude who's into
dating his students.
OMG Ryan's new girlfriend is going to drown Tessa!
Oh, no. Whew. It's just that whenever we see Paige from Pretty Little Liars (Lindsey
Shaw), we tend to assume that whoever gets in her way will bite
it in a pool. Instead, she's just Ryan's new girlfriend—a "Tessa
type"—and they're doing the long-distance thing despite Tessa being available. But Tessa didn't cotton to that news particularly well, so there's no guarantee that
someone won't get dunked under water sometime in
the future. Either way, the fallout should be fun to watch. Also, cool girl Natasha Leggero looks like she's going to stick around Chatswin a while. So things are looking up for The Little Show that Could.
Raylan and Tim take on a dog
Justified has amazing characters up the wazoo, but some pairings are more prone to excellence than others. And while everyone knows that Boyd and Raylan are guaranteed to set the screen on fire, Raylan and Tim are arguably just as great together. This week, they encountered a pantsless Danny Crowe and his male guard dog named Chelsea, and the result was instant magic.
Helix gets haunting
Syfy's sick drama has now entered haunted house territory: There are apparitions, there are severed heads, and there are zombies, and it's just what the show needed. The topper of this week's episode? A hairless rat emerging from the mouth of Doreen's corpse.
Elementary digs up an old case and some old bones
Sherlock's trunk of cold cases finally came into play this season with a super fun puzzle that riffed on real-life events involving Mongolian dinosaur fossil smuggling and the debate over the K-Pg Boundary. It was twisty, it was turny, it was geeky, and it was all because some academics wanted to protect their lucrative textbook sales. Sure, the case centered on one long-dead body and the casual murder of a black market antiques dealer, but if homicides can be draped in details as interesting as these, we'll let it pass.
Teen Wolf gets even crazier
MTV's supernatural thriller continued to mess with our minds this week by revealing that Stiles was the person who sent Barrow after Kira. We could call shenanigans on him not recognizing his own handwriting, but we won't because the moment he figured it out, our own heads exploded and went into overdrive. What does it all mean?
The Vampire Diaries brings back classic Damon
We don't know how long this Katherine-in-Elena's-body storyline is going last, and sure, we'll shed a few tears over Damon and Elena's break-up, but you won't find us complaining about Damon's return to being a dick. He's more fun as the villain, anyway.
John Watson and Mary Morstan got married, and Sherlock (Sherlock!) was the best man
was first introduced, a few Sherlock fans worried that she'd throw off the balance of our dynamic duo—but so far, she's fitting in just fine. Sherlock's best man speech during the happy couple's wedding
reception was epic in length, but also in sincerity, and by the end of
it, our love for Sherlock and Watson's bromance was as strong as ever.
Parks and Recreation gives Chris and Ann and heartfelt send-off
felt like the right time to say goodbye to tropical sunfish Ann Perkins
and literally the nicest guy in the world Chris Traeger, it still
squeezed that space in our body where our heart is supposed to be as we
watched Leslie and Ann say bid each other farewell. And don't even mention that hug between Chris
and Ben, unless you want to see us cry.
Roy officially joins Team Arrow
All we're going to say is, IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME.
The Carrie Diaries graduates and moves on
It hurts us to think that The Carrie Diaries might not return for Season 3, but if that's the
case, at least the series went out on top with a season finale that could also work as a series finale. Everyone went their separate ways after graduation, with Sebastian moving to Malibu, and Carrie moving in with Samantha
and waitressing until she can get in to NYU in a year. Maggie's engaged, and Mouse is heading off to Harvard. If the show does end up getting canceled, we'll certainly miss the good,
clean fun of teenage Carrie Bradshaw, but we'll probably miss Walt and
Bennet the most because we have hearts and eyes and they're perfect.
American Horror Story's season finale victory lap
It's hard to say at what point AHS:Coven became a guaranteed classic, but it might've been around the time of a certain minotaur seduction. Our 13-episode reverie came to an end this week with a solid, satisfying hour that was, in perfect AHS tradition, also very divisive. Death, bad times, campy one-liners: All were as present as they were necessary. Ryan Murphy's season-long celebration of nightmare imagery and rude women may have come to an end, but our fondness for it will live forever.
The Mother makes How I Met Your Mother's 200th episode wonderful, but...
"How Your Mother Met Me" was pretty special. And Cristin Milioti was even
more special, shining more than ever in the rapid-fire trajectory of the Mother's life. Her performance and this episode almost made all of the show's garbage episodes and stalling worth it. But only almost. Now that we've seen just how great she can be, one working on HIMYM will ever convince us that the Mother couldn't have been introduced earlier... or used more frequently in the first half of Season 9.
Jeopardy's game-theory wizard
The quiz show's current reigning champ is Arthur Chu, and the Jeopardy! community is going bonkers over his playing style. With aggressive buzz-ins, Daily Double-whoring, and a smug Twitter feed, Chu has gained scores of both fans and mortal enemies. On one hand, there ain't nothin' wrong with playing to win. But on the other, he sure is a chore to watch.
Joe Carroll gets back into the stabbing of things
In a single episode, The Following introduced the horror of
having to listen to Joe Carroll muddle through a Southern accent—and then mercifully took it away. Before we knew it, the focus of the episode had shifted to Carroll's depression over failing to bring his family together via murder, engaged in some basic kidnapping and Ryan Hardy-taunting, and even kind of set up how much
anguish Carroll felt due to being just a middling, run-of-the-mill serial killer.
Ten minutes later, he ended the life of a reverend taped to a chair. Mmm. Murder:
that sweet, sweet medicine. Panacea of the soul.
Are the Grammys still going? They're probably still going, aren't they?
Long ago, we learned not take the Grammys very seriously (beyond putting words on pictures of the Grammys, of course). Among all the world's self-congratulatory award shows, the Grammys are the most self-congratulatory of them all. But since "cool" mash-ups and pairings are apparently no longer enough to keep people enticed, this year's telecast decided to just air for nearly four hours. The ratings hit long-time highs, which probably means that the 2015 telecast will begin this Wednesday at 3pm.
R.I.P., The Real World
It's too easy to bury your head in the sand and say that something was better before, some years ago, but holy crap is the current season of The Real World becoming a full-on unwatchable disaster. This week's episode introduced the contestants' exes as new roommates, and it felt as contrived and gross as you might imagine. We respect the franchise for trying to adapt, but it's time to go back to the drawing board.
The CW's Supernatural spin-off has a title, and it's horrible
We'll reserve our full judgement on the idea of a Supernatural spin-off until after we actually see a pilot, but based on the title, we don't have high hopes. Supernatural: Tribes? Really? That sounds more like a bad season of Survivor from 2002 than the next iteration of one of our favorite shows.
What's on YOUR list of TV loves and hates this week?