After a couple weeks off, we're back with another round of TV wins and TV losses that we've chosen to over- and under-analyze in order to supplement and/or inspire your impending nostalgia and/or disgust for everything that happend on TV this past week. That was a really over-complicated sentence; let's under-complicate things by checking out what we loved, hated, and/or were confused by on television this week:
Bachelor Pad's Nick screws Rachel over, takes the money for himself
The invisible man who we didn't even know was on the show until Episode 4 avoided drama the entire season, took insults from the rest of the cast, and turned out to be the smartest player in the house by making the important decisions late in the game. So he decided to give the finger to the rest of the creeps and keep the $250,000 prize for himself to become the biggest badass in BP history. This isn't just a win for Nick, it's a win for America. The clip above is a must watch if you enjoy seeing people's dreams crushed.
Damages finishes its excellent run
The FX/DirecTV legal thriller never got the attention it deserved, but now it live on forever on Netflix to be rediscovered by future generations looking for smart, twisty television.
The X-Factor starts to redeem itself in Episode 2
If you skip the faux-reality footage and all the other terribleness, there were some great performances lurking inside The X-Factor this week, especially in the second episode with Jason Brock and Carly Rose Sonenclar. We're suckers for unassuming unknowns who hit the stage and nail their songs, particulary when they're crazy queens or cute kids. Yeah, it's all edited and manufactured, but these auditions seemed real and the singers could easily have flubbed it all.
The Voice returns!
Adam Levine, Blake Shelton, Cee Lo Green and Christina Aguilera returned to our TVs on Monday for the third season of The Voice. Boasting bigger rosters, better mentors, and a new element of the competition called “The Steal,” the three-day blind audition marathon was a bit of an overkill, but still a lot of fun. We met Cee Lo’s new pet, Lady the Cockatoo, learned that Blake Shelton can moonwalk, and geared up for another season of “What Not to Wear: The Christina Aguilera Edition.”
Joel McHale's continued use of the nickname of "Human Thumb" for Honey Boo Boo's mother on The Soup
Yes, TLC is awful and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is exploitative and blah blah blah. But Human Thumb (HT for short!) is a completely appropriate label for this lady, and we'll keep laughing at the joke as long as McHale keeps repeating it.
Jenna supplies visual slashfic for all us Awkward. fans to enjoy
This week's episode, "Once Upon a Blog," was FANTASTIC. The MTV show went all Community on us with parodies and faked "What if?" scenarios, and the king of them all was the one featuring Jenna imagining her beaus, Matty and Jake, gay and in their own relationship. So, so rad.
David Lynch on Louie
Louie continues to nail down awesome guest stars, and creepy director Lynch as a creepy network executive designed to groom Louie into TV's next big talk-show host was a thing of beauty. But the capper was Lynch's fake introduction to the Late Show, accompanied by fake applause while Louie looked on in amazement.
Go On's strong start
Two episodes in and we've laughed, we've cried, we've even started choosing favorite characters! Matthew Perry's new comedy has laughs and comedy, and we really want to see it succeed.
The triumphant debut of BALLET on SYTYCD
While it's not unusual for ballet dancers to do well on the show, it IS unusual for them to actually get to PERFORM ballet on the show. That changed in this season's final round performances, when two of the dancers were tasked with dancing the Nutcracker Suite. An obvious choice, to be sure, but if only for the presence of Chehon's tights it was a victory for dance fans everywhere!
Face Off's Alice in Zombieland challenge
The combination of Alice in Wonderland PLUS a zombie outbreak was such a perfect idea it was incredible Face Off hadn't already done it! This image of the Cheshire Cat will be showing up in our nightmares for sure.
Four words: White Collar boxing match
If only for the chance to make THIS .GIF!
The two-hour America’s Got Talent results show featured only 20 minutes of actual results
Seriously, we could have skipped the entire first half (and then some) and not missed anything more than some cheesy retrospective montages and guest appearances by every relatively successful musician who just happened to be in Newark, New Jersey, during the finale. WE JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO WON THE MILLION DOLLARS, GUYS. (It was the Olate Dogs, FYI.)
Pretty much everything about Victoria on the new season of America's Next Top Model
The new cast is just another group of ANTM stock characters, just younger this time around (it's the "college" cycle), and shrill, nasally Victoria—who was home-schooled and now goes to college online—not only has the worst voice ever, she's generally just nuts. In Week 1, after Tyra put her on the spot to respond to a viewer who called her face "boring," she cited her Jewish and Native American heritage and replied, "Our people were led off on the Trail of Tears and the Holocaust—so if you have a problem with my face, well, you're a racist." In Week 3, she refused to take part makeovers (sacrilege!) and had a meltdown on the phone with her mom. She deserved to have that fried chicken thrown at her in last night's episode. Hate-watch times infinity!
The Newsroom's Alison Pill likes to drink
Pill, who plays frenetic "intern" Maggie on the HBO series, was reportedly fall-down drunk at a fashion show in New York this week, talking to anyone who would listen about how she couldn't stop farting. Later, she accidentally Tweeted out a topless picture of herself. What disgusting behavior! (Please keep it up, Alison.)
The X Factor's totally uncalled-for ambushing of Britney Spears
Whatever past relationship Spears shared with former duet partner Don Philips is between them (or more likely, between Philips and his diary), so when the producers trotted him out to (1) dredge up memories of Spears' past; (2) come out of the closet (though this part was edited out of the episode); (3) sing poorly; and (4) cause Spears angst for having to say no to her own friend, we felt bad for Spears and angry toward Simon Cowell. It was truly sick manipulation of two people who didn't deserve it and enough for us to question whether to watch The X Factor ever again.
What made your list of TV loves and hates this week?