Get Blitzen'd With Our Holiday Specials Drinking Game

Howdy, folks. It’s that time of the year when all of our regular favorites are on hiatus and their weird seasonal cousins are let out of the attic for at least 12 days, though usually for far more. Like all weird cousins, we love them for their antics, but let’s be real: We know how this family gathering is going to end—with all that sweet, sweet Christmas cash going toward a certain cousin’s bail bond.

Or, you know, just that sense of post-holiday relief when everyone goes home and you can bask in the knowledge that there are several state lines, maybe even a time zone or two, between you and the mothership.

Christmas concerts, celebrity-laden specials, and ancient once-a-year primetime cartoons—not to mention both new and old holiday-themed movies and episodes—are an inescapable aspect of the holiday season, just like horrific lines at the post office, pricey airfare, and that look you get from the priest when he points out that he hasn’t seen you at mass since Easter. Even though Rudolph’s stop-motion elves haven’t gotten any less creepy looking with time, there are just some things you have to grin and bear and reluctantly admit aren’t all that bad. Kinda like eggnog.

I know, I know, I miss New Girl too, but Jess will be back soon. In the meantime, we’re all in this together. So grab your finest Christmas Ale (or a tall glass of ice-cold 2% milk) and join me in reveling in these tried-and-true Christmas programming traditions.


TAKE A SIP...

... if the plot involves “saving Christmas.”

... if the plot is actually “A Christmas Carol.”

... for any appearance of a muppet outside of a muppet program.

... if the words “friends,” “family,” “country,” or “home” appear anywhere in a concert special’s title.

... whenever somebody, ANYBODY, sings anything.



... for every woman dressed as a slutty Santa or naughty elf.

... for every Charlie Brown Christmas Tree, regardless of whether you’re actually watching A Charlie Brown Christmas.

...for every “Christmas Miracle.”

... for every famous “friend” who visits during an equally famous celebrity’s Christmas show.

... for every ugly sweater, scarf, vest, or hat on the screen at a given time.

... if Mrs. Claus makes an appearance (upgrade to taking a shot if Mrs. Claus is hot.)

... if we learn “the real meaning of Christmas.”

... every time a soundstage is covered with fake snow that looks totally fake.

... every time the commercial break feels the need to remind you that you’re watching a “classic.”

... for every “God bless us, everyone.”

... for every “message from our sponsors.”

... for every children’s choir.



... for creepy, yet endearing, stop-motion animation.

... every time someone appears to be reading from a teleprompter/cue card.

... if anybody kisses under the mistletoe.

... if there is a nativity scene.

... if the aforementioned nativity ends up being a disaster.


TAKE A SHOT...



... for any token reference to any holiday other than Christmas.

... if the Christmas special at hand is a spin-off of a non-Christmas property (think Shrek, not The Colbert Report, because once you start making the argument that Stephen Colbert, Michael Buble, and Blake Shelton are not inherently Christmas-y properties, you can apply this rule to pretty much anything and that’s totally cheating.)

... if the Christmas special is a spin-off of a Christmas special.

... if the special is a remake of a remake.

... if your kid has no idea who Mr. Magoo is.

... if a normally “edgy” personality gets all kid-friendly for the duration of the holiday season.


FINISH YOUR DRINK...

... if a grown man wears tights.


... if Santa ends up being a total badass, homicidal maniac, or robot.

... BEARS.



Can you think of any of any other “staples” we should have included?


And just like the commercials say, please enjoy responsibly.

Comments (35)
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How about if a moive ends with tow people liveing haply ever after.
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Looks like you already got a head start! LOL
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Na mu spelling just sucks.
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Who knew MaryAnn was the resident christmas TV expert around here? Two funny articles in one weekend!

- Take a sip if someone badmouths Hanukkah in favor of Christmas. Take a shot if that person isn't Jewish.

- Take a shot if someone recites a line from "A Christmas Carol" with no other connection to the Dickens classic.

- Take a shot any time a character loses faith in Christmas only to have it reborn by a new-falling snow.

- Guzzle down if the plot in any notable way apes O. Henry's "Gift of the Magi".
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If the plot is about family or old friends who are on the outs but make up in time for Christmas. Finish your drink if Santa himself helps with that.
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My liver just slapped me for reading this....
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Take a shot:
1. If a normally sane adult insists that Santa Clause is real.
2. If the show justifies someone being smacked or somehow physically hurt just for saying that Santa Clause isn't real.
3. If two people exchange presents at the end of the episode/special and they "couldn't be more perfect."
4. If something really unimportant happens that everything thinks means Santa might be real (for example the branch of a Christmas tree shakes and a bell rings just when someone says something about Santa).
5. If a child starts to think that Santa doesn't exist, but by the episode they think he does.
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6. If an adult finds a "mystery gift" and it just happens to be the one thing they asked Santa for when they were a kid but never got.
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So good.
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amen.
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Thanks, MaryAnn, I think we'll be drunk REALLY quickly.
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Take a shot if Tim Allen's in it. (Toy Story counts.)
Good luck.
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If part of the show is set in Santa's Workshop. Finish the bottle if it looks really fake. Finish two bottles if you're watching Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.
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Just for Blake, anytime Blake Shelton is on a program, finish your drink. Cause that's just good etiquette.
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Staff
I'll drink to that!
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If someone rhymes "snow" with "mistletoe," and does it so slowly you can hear it coming a mile away.
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"... every time a soundstage is covered with fake snow that looks totally fake. "
Damn, I'm just watching that episode of Stargate SG1 with the planet that has a weather control device, that's really dodgy fake snow!
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Take a sip every time a character who said they don't believe in Santa Claus suddenly hears sleigh bells and "ho ho ho!"
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Ah yes, the classic SANTA IS REEEEAL!
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If a stranger/mere acquaintance invites the lonely character to Christmas dinner.
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If a Christmas celebration goes horribly, horribly wrong.
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If you're watching the Pinky & The Brain Christmas Special. Because it's just that good. ("Hm, for some reason, the idea of joining the Donner party is unappealing.")
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If a kid punches a store Santa in the stomach or yanks on his beard.
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That's a classic.
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Christmas serves as the basis for some horrendous tragedy, supernatural event, or natural disaster (finish the bottle if you're NOT watching SyFy).
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If there's a miraculous "White Christmas."
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YES.
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Yeah, good one. It's randomly snowing in Florida, and the weatherman predicted sun. . .
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If the characters are all trapped or stuck somewhere on Christmas instead of going their separate ways.
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yessssssssss
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Take a shot.... anytime a character who used to be normally associated with the program but who hasn't been seen on it for a while comes back/makes a special appearance/returns from whatever fake excuse they used to get them off the program in the first place.
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Great article, MaryAnn! I think I'm all set.

I've got 40's of Vodka and Whiskey, and a DVR full of Christmas Specials (including Community's claymation episode and Annie as a slutty Santa ... I might watch that one twice).

QUESTION: Does anyone know the number for poison control?
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I got drunk just watching NCIS Los Angeles alone. Naughty elf (Nell), trapped for Christmas (whole team on ship), grown man wears tights (Eric), kiss under the mistletoe (Neric), Christmas Miracle (Sam's flight back home at last minute).
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Staff
Thank you! You sound like you're all set. Might want to pad some of that with cookies or fruitcake or something though. :/
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1-800-SOBER UP
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