Ghost Whisperer: Dead on Arrival

Shows like The Ghost Whisperer always seem to involve some restless spirit with "unfinished business" among the living. It's like the Dead are finally getting around to their "to-do" lists and they need somebody like Jennifer Love Hewitt to play their personal assistant. Maybe that's why Hewitt's show never made it onto my "to-do" list. I prefer my ghost stories with more shrieking and wailing and less emotional closure. But I sat down on Friday to peer into the world beyond the grave, a world where the scariest thing is the dialogue.

8:00pm A blond guy—very boy band, extra-cheesy boy band, like not even N Sync, but O-Town boy band—is toting a Ouija board like he's scored an early release of the iPad. He's showing it to a college professor played by Margaret Cho. Not sure how Cho ended up on Ghost Whisperer. She must be haunted by something really scary, like bankruptcy.

8:01pm A concert poster for "The Lethos Trio" flies off Cho's office door and ominous music looms in the background. Why are ghosts always so indirect? When you die, do you lose the ability to text?

8:02pm O-Town guy interprets flying poster: "Somebody wants you to go to that concert." Ya' think? And he did that without even consulting the Ouija board.

8:03pm O-Town is sitting with Hewitt's Melinda character and two other guys in a café, explaining that he is sucking up to Cho so he can get access to the library's "Copeland Wing." Maybe that's where they keep the scripts for better shows.

8:04pm O-Town finds Professor Cho's website shrine to her dead boyfriend. She walks up behind him while he has the site up on his notebook. A helpful hint: When surfing people's creepy obsessive mourning sites, make sure you're not sitting where people can walk up behind you. Same goes for porn.

8:05pm Professor Cho finds mysterious entry on her phone's datebook screen. Again, why not just text?

8:06pm O-Town tells her, "You're haunted." She responds, "You're nuts and you need to transfer out of my class." How does that get recorded on your transcript?

8:06pm The title sequence. Not only can Hewitt communicate with the dead, she can also communicate with cliché figurative paintings of the dead.

8:10pm The Lethos Trio is playing an afternoon concert in the town square gazebo, something off their "Music for Middle-aged Lesbian Textile Artists" album.

8:11pm Hewitt is talking about how much she dislikes dealing with professors who teach the occult. "Not only do they think they know everything but I have to convince them I see ghosts and they have to unlearn everything they think they know." Sounds like somebody got a D in "Intro to Ghost Lit" and needs to get over it.

8:12pm Cho's cell phone flies out of her hand and lands in pieces in front of guy in a blue sweater. The ghost either really hates her phone or blue sweaters.

8:13pm Hewitt does go to Cho's office to explain that she sees ghosts. Cho talks about her dead fiancé and how perhaps a relationship with a dead guy isn't that bad. "Hex and the City?"

8:14pm Hoping for a date with her dead guy, Cho is home by herself putting a DVD of The Big Lebowski in the player and popcorn in the microwave. This is not scary.

8:15pm Cho's wearing a Snuggie. This is scary.

8:15pm Cho: "I can't tell if this is a seduction or a séance." Margaret, it's not a seduction until the Ben and Jerry's comes out.

8:17pm We're over in Hewitt's kitchen. A ghost is throwing her salad on the floor and breaking eggs, and then finally writes a message...in glitter and glue. What's next, a warning with a Jelly Pen?

8:21pm Choe is talking about her movie date with the ghost. "Something about the whole date night was just off." Maybe it's time for the 20 cats and a floral print housecoat.

8:25pm Cho is talking to the Ouija board. "I promise to start shaving my legs and putting on lipstick before I go to the market." Ditch the Snuggie while you're at it.

8:30pm Cho is burning sage and incense and placing spirit dolls around her office. Oooo—is it for scaring off ghosts? Or, gasp, maybe she's having a candle party.

8:32pm Cho is returning The Big Lebowski. She runs into the guy in the blue sweater. He's been waiting for somebody to bring back "The Big Lebowski." Ghost girl is lurking in the background. Maybe she had "Lebowski" reserved too? This could be bad. Give it to her or she'll leave something nasty on your datebook screen.

8:34pm Now ghost girl is hanging out on the sidewalk across from Hewitt's antique store. She has a big bloody patch on face, which is interesting because we later learn that she was alive for two weeks after the accident and actually died during a volleyball game. They play a rough brand of V-ball in this town.

8:38pm Cho and the guy from the video store are flirting in the park. It turns out they both love minigolf. Is this destiny or what? And does this guy own any sweaters that aren't blue? How would he look in a Snuggie?

8:42pm Now we find out that Cho's fiancé and blue sweater guy's daughter were killed in the same head-on accident. Now that's an awkward first date!

8:45pm Right after we find out that Cho's fiancé was texting while driving when he crashed, Hewitt calls Cho while Cho is driving!.

8:46pm Cho crashes. Was this episode sponsored by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration?

8:49pm Cho is in her crashed car and we hear somebody yelling "I called 911, help is on the way!" Again with the blue sweater.

8:50pm Hewitt shows up at the crash site with a picture of Cho's dead fiancé. I would have brought a first aid kit. But that's just me.

8:51pm Now we know that the ghost girl is sweater guy's dead daughter. She was trying to set her dad up with Cho. "She likes all the stuff you like too daddy." You know, like minigolf and fatal head-on accidents? This is like eHarmony with dead people.

8:53pm Ghost girl doesn't say Cho and sweater guy have to fall in love. "She just thinks you should talk," Hewitt announces, taking some of the pressure off. I mean, where do you go with this? Have a little spat, ghost girl breaks your f-ing phone again.

8:57pm We're back in Hewitt's shop. That Ouija board won't shut up. Somebody is going to die. "Is it somebody we know?" Hewitt asks. The Ouija board says..."Yes."

Maybe they would be better off with a Magic 8 Ball.