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Give 'Em a Grade: Nashville's Brown-haired Hunks

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I'm not sure I should be admitting this in a public forum like this, but hot damn I love me some Nashville. It shouldn't be as fun as it is, but after 14 episodes, it's actually maintained the intrigue of its early episodes and gotten even better! It's like candy for your achy-breaky heart, an easy-to-swallow capsule of regurgitated romance, and a mixtape of country jamz that both mock and applaud the genre of the primetime soap.

And it has a whole bunch of guys with dark hair! But which of the show's dark-haired guys is the best? Let's figure it out.

Sam Palladino

Who is this guy?: Gunnar comes from a humble background and is Nashville's "aww shucks" let's root for him guy. He and Scarlett play sweet music together and eye-bang each other so often their eyelids are raw. Now that he's moved in with Scarlett (just as friends YEAH RIGHT) he and Avery, Scarlett's ex, have plenty to punch each other about.

Swapped spit/slept with: Scarlett, that record label assistant lady

Facial hair style: Like a baby's bottom

Musical aptitude: Panty-melting acoustic duet light country guitar; soft-toned wussified singing, but it works well with Scarlett's voice

Grade: B+, the guy has a lot going for him right now and who didn't like seeing him punch Avery in the face twice!? Start making sweet love to Scarlett, and you're an easy A, buddy!

Charles Esten

Who is this guy?: He's the Rayna James of the dudes, an older music legend that did it right: drugs and booze all the way to rehab! Don't quit now, Deacon! Country music was BUILT on cocaine and whiskey! He's probably headed back to dark days now that he's jealous of Rayna and Liam, and I can't wait to see Rayna's face when he blames her.

Swapped spit/slept with: Rayna, Juliette

Facial hair style: Five o'clock on the dot shadow. Take some lessons, fellas. This is professional scruff.

Musical aptitude: Versatile guitar maestro that can play studio crap or sweetly strum in the Bluebird Cafe; doesn't sing that much but that duet he did with Rayna early on was sweet

Grade: A, Deacon is one of the best things about this show and he's doing it right. He slept with both main stars, he's jumping around from band to band, he can shred, and he has that partying past.

Jonathan Jackson

Who is this guy?: As Scarlett's ex, he's painted as the villain in the crumbling relationship even though it was Scarlett who got all doe-eyed at Gunnar while she was still with Avery. Sure, he's kind of a fame-obsessed dick, but what did Scarlett expect when she started dating a guy with that kind of rock-star hair?

Swapped spit/slept with: Scarlett, that other record label lady who got him a deal (totally worth it)

Facial hair style: Dipped his glue-covered chin in a pile of someone else's shaved whiskers. Plus a flavor saver

Musical aptitude: Rawk, bro; watch out Creed!

Grade: B-, most people hate this guy but he's the necessary evil that's the gas on the Scarlett-Gunnar fire. If you watch soaps rooting for all the good guys, you're doing it so very wrong. And as bubbly as Scarlett can be, she can also puff up and throw a pro tantrum.

Eric Close

Who is this guy?: Teddy is Rayna's (soon to be ex) husband who just won the mayoral race in the series' most boring storyline. He's getting back with his old flame and leaving the family. Anyone who would leave Connie Britton is cuckoo banana pants. This guy sucks.

Swapped spit/slept with: Rayna, that other skank he's affairing with

Musical aptitude: Nothing! The guy wouldn't know a D7 chord if it bit him in the butt

Grade: F, not quite evil enough to enjoy, definitely not good enough to like. Just boring enough to get an F. Pick up an instrument, dude! A triangle, a spoon, anything!

Tilky Montgomery Jones

Who is this guy?: Perfectly bland NFL quarterback who married Juliette then divorced her in less time than it will take him to get degenerative brain disease from the crushing hits he'll take on the football field.

Swapped spit/slept with: Juliette

Facial hair style: Clean as a frat boy

Musical aptitude: Makes sweet music on the football field as a pro quarterback, but also can play a basic guitar

Grade: D, he came and went in one of the show's more ridiculous storylines.

Michiel Huisman

Who is this guy?: This dude is Rayna's new producer, but all he's producing now is drunken advances on her. And it worked!

Swapped spit/slept with: Rayna after he got her liquored up

Facial hair style: Professional beard

Musical aptitude: Legendary producer of sucky indie bands that suddenly decided to produce an aging country star on her way down the drain? That makes sense.

Grade: C, he started out as totally unnecessary, but he's gotten better and better with each episode. And now that Rayna is getting divorced, he's stepping in as the perfect wedge between Rayna and Deacon.

David Clayton Rogers

Who is this guy?: Gunnar's brother just got out of the Big House and is trying to convince Scarlett and Gunnar that he's turning his life around. But he also keeps a gun in his carry-on, so phooey on that.

Swapped spit/slept with: The law, that dude in the prison shower

Facial hair style: Dirty, gross beard

Musical aptitude: Surprisingly good considering he's been in jail for so long. But really, his instrument is the cold steel of a gun!

Grade: D-, Unless this guy starts getting in someone's pants soon, he's only going to take this show in a bad direction as the criminal sibling of a central character.

Daniel Buran

Who is this guy?: This slimeball is the lead singer for some band, which Deacon temporarily joined, that is a commercial hit but is actually ear murder. He's the "fame will turn you into an egotistical ass" part of the discussion.

Swapped spit/slept with: A lot of roofied groupies, put the attempted rape on Scarlett

Facial hair style: Kevin Federline at his low point

Musical aptitude: Ugh. Terrible. Garbage. Just the right stuff to be in a popular band.

Grade: C-, this show needs horrible people like this guy, but he's THE WORST!

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