I think where you fell on this week’s Glee depends a lot upon what you think of Ricky Martin. I, for one, am a fan. Not the kind of fan who ever listens to his music, mind you, but the kind of fan who just admires his earnest enthusiasm and the courage he showed in telling the world he was a gay man. (I don’t care if everyone already knew it—that’s not the same as actually acknowledging it.) And yes, the guy is cute, duh. And he can act! Quite well, actually. So welcome, Ricky, to the Glee fold. If we are to understand that you are now a series semi-regular, then I for one welcome you with open salsa-hands. (Those are like jazz-hands, but more Latin.)
So basically, Mr. Schue is a moron. That’s what I got out of this week’s episode. The guy is a high school Spanish teacher who can neither speak nor understand Spanish, and whose idea of a culturally sensitive curriculum involves dressing up like a burrito and doing a Speedy Gonzalez impression. (Actually, he dressed up like a mariachi and sang “La Cucaracha.” Same difference.) How does this guy keep his job?! And now he wants tenure. Right. Principal Higgins informed Will that there have been “complaints” from certain, nameless students—*coughcoughSantana*—and suggested he perhaps brush up on the subject. Which is where Ricky comes in, as David Martinez, who tutors an adult night class at McKinley. David is a former tooth model who abandoned a lucrative career of smiling for the cameras to pursue his dreams of “making a difference” through the “teaching of a foreign language” to “racist, middle-aged women.” He’s living the dream! Will was instantly smitten after Mr. Martinez’s short lecture on Solid Gold and the Science of Language, and invited him to gyrate his hips for the glee club.
Can we now talk about Sue Sylvester and her biological clock? Or rather, can we never speak of them again? I don’t think there’s enough bleach in every 99 Cent Store in America to scrub away the memory of Coach Sue soliciting semen from the boys of New Directions. That’s just gnarly business right there. However, it was also pretty hilarious. “Twice a day you fellas stain your mothers’ drapes or befoul a gym sock that has to jump from the hamper straight into therapy.” Gold star to whoever cooked that line up, and extra credit for telling Artie and Kurt not to bother. (“Let the strangeness end with you.”) Back in the ‘70s, Sue pioneered the procedure known as oocyte cryopreservation (or egg-freezing) in her own garage using nothing but a pair of jumper cables, a wooden ice cream spoon, and a Coleman cooler. Now she wants a Sue Jr. to call her own. Fill ‘er up, Mr. Schue. It’s baby-gravy time. (Sue's words, not mine.) (Also: Eeeeeeeew.)
So Mr. Martinez showed up to rehearsal room, oozing duende. Seriously, this guy just leaves a trail of duende wherever he goes, like a hot, Spanish slug. Unfortunately, he chose to demonstrate the concept of “duende” with a song by LMFAO called “Sexy and I Know It.” (They have songs besides “Party Rock Anthem?” Who knew!) It was a little underwhelming.
Elsewhere, still conflicted about her feelings for Sam, Mercedes and her trouty-pouted admirer met with Emma for some counseling. Yes, at McKinley, guidance counselors offer couples’ therapy, and perhaps your own school offers a similar service. Consult today! Emma’s advice was for the two of them to stop talking, texting, tweeting, status-updating, and communicating, period. In silence, the answers will come, she said. They both clicked “like” on this advice.
Best scene alert: Coach Roz handing Sue’s ass to her in a monologue that will be quoted verbatim for all of eternity by sassy gay boys and the women who love them. Kudos to Nene Leakes, the most unlikely breakout guest star Glee has seen yet, for selling every, delicious word of this inspired read. And while the lines were great, it was all about Roz’s phrasing, like watching Ella Fitzgerald reinterpret a Cole Porter classic. It was insult-jazz, I tell you! Highlight: “You’re not gonna give birth to no child. You gonna give birth to a grandchild. You gonna get up in those stirrups, and you gonna push, and push, and a full grown adult gonna pop out with a briefcase and a job talking on a cell phone.” Ugh, just give her all the Emmys.
The musical highlights this week came in the rehearsal room, back-to-back. The first was Mercedes’ rendition of Gloria Estefan’s “Don’t Wanna Lose You,” given a brassy spin and beautifully performed directly to Sam (particularly the Spanish parts); and then Sam’s response, a “Bamboleo”/”Hero” mashup performed by the men of New Directions in weird genie shoes. (Or “Mexican hipster boots,” which I’ve never heard of, and I live in the Mexican hipster capital of America. Which isn’t to say they don’t exist, but I’m just going to call them “weird genie shoes” until I actually see a pair of those things on the street.) And while Santana and Mr. Martinez make a gorgeous couple, their clubby version of Madonna’s “La Isla Bonita” was a little flat, though would probably make a good iTunes download for my “Power-Up Pilates Playlist.”
So, regrettably, let us revisit Sue’s ongoing efforts to impregnate herself with Will Schuester’s (shudder) seed. For Becky’s sake, Sue, why?! We demand and deserve answers! Well, in a touching scene offset by the melancholy tinkling of piano keys, Sue explained to Emma that she doesn’t want to pass down her insane personality to her child. “Every time I've insulted Will or tried to stop him and his crusade to ruin pop culture by wiping his wooly behind with the American songbook,” she explained, he has always met her with kindness. Plus, speaking of his woolly behind, he also has a woolly head of hair that she’d like to genetically capitalize on. Are we all sufficiently touched and/or grossed out yet? Great. Moving on.
There was also a good scene between Kurt and Finn in the school weight room, in which someone finally came to his senses and confronted Finn about his cockamamie plan to marry Rachel. Who of us couldn’t use a Kurt pep-talk from time to time to get us out of a self-sabotaging funk? Poor Mr. Schue could probably have used one after Santana made him feel like a two-inch-tall toreador for devoting his life to teaching a subject he had no passion for (or grasp of). In the end, Mr. Martinez was offered a teaching job at the school by Will himself, who offered to give up his Spanish class (Will will take the vacant history position). Becky confessed to Sue that she was the one who lodged the crayon-scrawled complaint about Sue’s lackluster performance as Cheerios coach. Mercedes would choose her big lug of a linebacker boyfriend over Sam. (For now, at least.) And Emma earned the tenure position for her incredible pamphleteering, which was directly responsible for the McKinley football team’s cleaner taints. (Did I just type that?) All’s well that taints well, as Shakespeare once wrote.
1. I’d love to hear your thoughts on Coach Roz. Has she won your hearts the way she has mine?
2. It now looks like Finn is having second thoughts about marrying Rachel. Are you relieved?
3. What about the touchier, feelier Coach Sue and her baby-making pursuits? Are you feeling her?
4. Holly Holiday vs. David Martinez: Who is the better guest star Spanish teacher?
5. What were your favorite musical performances this week?