When last night’s episode of Glee aired in America it became the highest-rated scripted show to air in three years (with 26.8 million viewers!). So what did these millions of new Glee-curious viewers find, beyond the typical After School Special-on-acid goings-on of McKinley High? A mostly underwhelming episode.
It started, as so many do, with irascible cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester observing a Katy Perry-inspired production number, replete with Xtreme cyclists and spark-emitting athletic bras. Her verdict: “I’m bored!” she bellowed, surely speaking for America. That set Sue's arc in motion, which was to top herself with the help of a human cannon. Special mention goes to her back tattoo, which has a typo.
Meanwhile, the football team's performance was suffering from dissension in the ranks. The only solution was to put the team’s bullies INTO glee club—thanks, Coach!—pitting Finn against his nemesis, Secret Gay. Mr. Schue announced that the team would perform “Thriller” at half-time, mashed up with Yeah Yeah Yeah’s “Heads Will Roll,” because I have no idea why. Secret Gay resisted, but actually had fun at rehearsal and was told by Mr. Schue that he demonstrates great razzmatazz-potential (or RazzPo, for short). But minutes later, a hallway showdown with the school’s hockey team slapped the Liza right out of Secret Gay’s eyes. It was hard to watch. Sad zombies always are.
After a loud confrontation with the principal, Sue was told she couldn’t shoot a cheerleader out of her cannon “without permission.” (Way to hold your ground, principal!) So she destroyed the set for about five minutes—this part was actually pretty entertaining. Then she came up with a revenge scenario in which the Cheerios would be forced to compete on the same night as the Big Game, meaning they wouldn't be able to perform in the half-time show, meaning that the football team wouldn't be able to play at all? Or something? Does it really matter?
Well, you won’t believe what happened next! (Just kidding. You’ll totally believe it, because nothing on this show adheres to logic or reality.) The girls on New Directions agreed to fill the empty football team spots, so the team could play! Yay! Thanks for explaining that loophole, Guy Singing Destiny’s Child Because Again I Have No Idea Why!
Well, the big game went amazingly well. The half-time “Thriller”/”Heads Will Roll” mashup was a zombiefied delight. Then, back in the locker room, Coach told the team to leave on their makeup to scare the other team into losing. (It's a classic strategy which actually led to the Steelers' victory against the Cowboys in Super Bowl X.)
It worked! The other team was the loser, and the glee club (plus the former bullies, who now love showtunes and gay people) were the winners! So I guess just the hockey team are the bullies now. Well, you know what they say. Sk8rs gonna h8. I’m sensing an Avril Lavigne episode on the horizon.
The episode concluded with Katie Couric interviewing the Biggest Loser in the Universe, Sue Sylvester. (You know, for a show that supposedly wants to teach us not to judge others, it sure likes using labels like “loser.” Just saying.) I mean, OF COURSE Katie Couric was there. It was all so logical, and she wasn't at all there because her kid probably watches the show and loves it, so she made a few calls and said, “Hey, it’s Katie Couric. You know, my kid loves Glee. Do you think you could squeeze me into an episode? My schedule's wide open until I go to Egypt for this fluff piece on a union or something. Remember when I made Sarah Palin look stupid? That was awesome. Hey, does anyone know what an internet does?”