It’s time for another installment of “The Rachel Berry Slut-Shaming Hour!” This week, Rachel’s high school frenemy dragged her to a doctor to finally get a professional opinion regarding the contents of her lady oven. Relieved by the good news that Plastic Brody didn’t slip one past the goalie, Rachel skipped merrily to class and Santana balked at the wasted opportunity for Rachel to get her shit together. Because apparently the chick who 1) made it into her dream school and is currently pursuing her dream job, 2) has experienced some abysmal lows in the past few months only to rise with newfound confidence in herself, 3) auditioned for parts in plays and films and actually won them from time to time... APPARENTLY that woman is a massive trainwreck who needs to take control of her life before reality sets in. Okay, Santana. How’s that dropping-out-of-school-and-crashing-on-your-friends’-sofa approach working out for you?
The best part of Santana’s whole weird, misguided judgement of Rachel’s recent life choices was her outrage over Rachel’s decision to go to class once she'd received the all-clear that she wasn’t actually knocked up, “You can’t just blow past this like nothing happened!”
Except that, you know, NOTHING HAPPENED. So Rachel had a pregnancy scare. Welcome to being a sexually active woman. Santana said Rachel needed to learn from the experience and get her life back on track. Yes—moving forward, Rachel and her bang buddies should be more careful with their sexcapades. Wrap it up. Get on the pill. Track down a shot of Depo. Whatever. Rachel and Brody are two consenting adults who seem to have the definitions of “yes” and “no” down solid. If Brody hadn't lied about his night job, I’d say they were a fairly accurate, mundane, and generally healthy portrayal of a college romance... even if they did shack up after like, what, a week? Maybe? It happens. It’s usually a bad idea. It wasn’t a great idea in Rachel and Brody’s case, but as we’ve established, it’s not like she’s burning her Barbara Streisand memorabilia to heat the loft, or routinely skipping class, or even, as far as we know, experiencing any significant setbacks in her budding career.
But remember, ladies: If you have sex with a dude who wants to have the sex right back at you, you’re firmly on the path to ruin and shame (so much shame), and it’s just a matter of time before you’re dropping out of your fancy performing arts school to yodel for quarters in the subway in order to finance the destroyer of dreams baking in your baby bump courtesy of Gigolo Ken. #gleefacts
So Rachel has to grow up and make good decisions and stuff, but meanwhile, Santana was more than happy to call Rachel’s sometimes-estranged ex to fly in from Ohio and terrorize Rachel's current beau by declaring Rachel once again his future wife. I’m glad everyone discussed this with Rachel. Yay autonomy.
Santana was right about Brody, but she’s still so incredibly wrong when it comes to “helping” Rachel, and now Finn has been added to the mix. On one hand, it’s nice to see a lot of the alumni sharing stories again but on the other, OMG Glee, think about your decisions. Think about what stories actually mean instead of what you seem to THINK they mean way out there in your glitter-encrusted, bubblegum-flavored, glow-in-the-dark neon-painted fantasy land. Glee has always been a parody of the world, holding a funhouse mirror to our reality for both comedy and commentary. But lately, Glee has been trying to warp the reflection too much, and the problem with that is that too much distortion renders the message incomprehensible.
Up until the end there, Finn had a great story going. Schue was overreacting to the news that Finn kissed Emma and Schue's refusal to forgive Finn was just the latest in his long line of dick moves. Schue terminated whatever the hell kind of position he had set Finn up with at the school and Finn lamented the latest in his long line of epic failures until MARLEY of all people said what we were all thinking. Finn was whining about how, after returning to McKinley and working with the glee club, he had really started to consider the possibility that he could succeed as a teacher but WOE and SADNESS it's all ruined now over a WOMAN and it’s not even like he was ever going to do anything with said woman and Schue hates him and on top of it all, he doesn’t even have a teaching degree.
“So go get one!” OMG THANK YOU, MARLEY.
Boom. Finn had an awesome storyline all set up and ready for the taking. It was logical. Of all the possible futures we’ve seen Finn consider, the teacher option is one that fits the best and I was so ready.
Unfortunately, Schue’s self-righteous, over-the-top machismo rubbed off on his former protege before he headed east and while I’m sure we’ll see some Future Teacher Finn Hudson action in the future, rather than just leave us in the warm glow of his new direction in life, we got cro magnon Finn telling Brody to leave his future spouse alone. FINN THINK RACHEL MAKE GOOD MATE. RACHEL BELONG TO FINN.
Aaaaaaand cue the inexplicably upbeat closing number.
What did you think of this episode?
– Glee playlist time: Reeeeally wasn’t feeling any of them this week if we’re being honest, but I guess I’ll take the BSB/N’Sync mash-up for the nostalgia factor (even if it wasn’t a particularly great mash-up), the battle of Blaine and Sue because of the amazing batshit insanity, aaaand “Closer” just cuz I like the song. Yay Tegan and Sara. What were your faves?
– I love when Glee randomly turns people into douchebags for no other reason than providing a quick opportunity to cram a PSA into an episode. In other words, it was really great to see Unique standing up to Ryder, but I’m confused because those two have been interacting for awhile now and the question of Unique’s “true” gender has never been an issue in the past. I’m thinking Glee just decided that we needed a reminder that Marley and Jake are the new Rachel/Finn and any stragglers better ally themselves with the right team NOW. As a result, I will be cheering for Marley/Ryder out of spite.
– Marley telling Finn to grow a pair. Lol, pot meet kettle.
– I’m actually kind of excited about Blaine Anderson: Undercover Cheerio.