This week on Amazing Trainwrecks in TV History (sometimes referred to as Glee), Emma bailed on her wedding and everyone kept partying because FREE BOOZE, Rachel and Finn had sex, Kurt and Blaine had sex, Quinn and Santana had sex, Artie and Betty maybe had sex (it’s funny cuz they’re paralyzed, GET IT???), and Marley didn’t have sex because she’s a virtuous virgin and all that. Marley’s virtue was further glorified by Rachel, her predecessor, peeing on a dipstick back in New York because she’s a slutty slut slut now or something what with all the eyeshadow and the spray tan and the momentary willingness to do a nude scene a few episodes back.
I love you, Glee. I love you for all the wrong reasons.
So uh, yeah, Emma freaked out and ran away. No one really cared. Will kind of cared because he was super-pumped about Miss Pillsbury FINALLY taking his name and becoming Mrs. Schuester, but as far as putting down the coffee, and IDK, maybe double-checking that the neurotic woman he’s supposedly madly in love with hasn’t thrown herself off a bridge in her panic and grief, well, that was just asking too much. In fact, NO ONE seemed terribly concerned by Emma’s disappearance. Even her own parents encouraged the guests to party at the reception anyway, since it was all paid for in advance, which makes sense, but maybe everyone could have TRIED to show a little thoughtfulness?
Which brings me to the major beef with “I Do” and Emma’s runaway bride routine: Was it even necessary? For all intents and purposes, “I Do” was “the wedding episode” even after the wedding didn’t actually happen. Santana got drunk on a fake ID. Old romances were rekindled. One-night stands (or two-night stands) happened. There was dancing and cupcakes and merriment. There was a freaking bouquet toss. Emma jilting Will at the altar bore little impact on the story except to complicate things at a date TBD—a complication that I honestly don’t think Glee actually needed. I make fun of Glee for being a giant inconsistent mess at times—most times, in fact—but the threads of an ongoing story ARE there, week in and week out. The big concern that allowing its seniors to graduate and go to college would prove to be too much for Glee to handle has ultimately not been so bad. Sometimes moving between New York and Lima is clunky. Sometimes the story in one setting is infinitely more interesting than the story in the other and the timesplitting between them gets tedious. For the most part, though, Glee has handled the transition well. Rachel, Finn, Santana, and Kurt’s new arcs have grown organically from their Lima roots. Back in Lima, things tend to remain business as usual, but such is the nature of a plot that depends so heavily on a regular background cycle—like the yearly competition circuit or the school year.
Marrying Emma and Will off wouldn’t have ended their story. It would have opened them up to new situations to sing about. The fact that Emma fled from the wedding doesn’t really make their relationship any more or less complicated than it already is. The fact that her escape didn’t even complicate the immediate plot of the episode is just a sad commentary on what little regard the Glee's writers have for Emma. I really hope that her return doesn’t end up indulging in the same sort of victim-blaming Glee tends to fall for (liiiiike with Marley’s eating disorder) but at the moment, the general sentiment seems to be “Emma ruined her wedding and OMG POOR WILL AWW.”
On the plus side, at least the Finn-kissing-Emma thing didn’t seem to be the catalyst for the jilting so much as Emma’s nerves getting the best of her and everyone pretty much just standing by and watching it happen.
So let’s talk about all that sexin’!
Blaine and Kurt
Blane and Kurt ripped their clothes off in the back of a Prius. Mercedes said it was tacky. Later, they had slightly-less-tacky hotel room sex. Blaine took it as a sign that they’re getting back together. Kurt not so much. Thoughts?
Quinn and Santana
They got drunk and slow-danced. Then they ended up having sexytimes. Quinn was ready to write it off as her one-time lesbian thing. Santana offered to make it a two-time lesbian thing. Quinn seemed receptive to the idea. I think this is going to turn into more of a friends-with-benefits thing than a Quintana thing, but what do you think?
Puck Jr. and Marley
With help from Ryder, Jake made every day of the week leading up to Valentine’s Day special for Marley in hopes of getting in her pants at the wedding because he’s like, super classy. At the last minute, Marley changed her mind about cashing in her V-card and if nothing else, Puck Jr. understands that no means no.
Betty and Artie
They weren’t sure if they had sex or not because they can’t feel anything below their waists. HILARIOUS, GLEE. HILARIOUS. You keep rockin’ those stereotypes.
Finn and Rachel
Rachel was adamant that she and Brody have a “modern” relationship with no labels, which means things like “single” and “not single” are irrelevant. She and Finn sang. They made googly eyes. She caught Sue’s bouquet. There were words. And then there were bare shoulders and lights out. Still not getting back together, though. Probably. At least not yet.
Rachel and Brody
So apparently Brody is a gigolo? And Rachel found his date book? And even though they have no labels and it’s totally cool for her to bang Finn in Ohio, back in New York she and Brody are the new golden couple and he should act accordingly? And she might be preggers? Oh Glee, you’re so silly.
And on that note, the New Directions are taking a breather until March 7th. See you then, kids!
– Glee playlist time: I liked everything. Emma and Will’s “Getting Married Today,” Marley and Puck Jr.’s “You’re All I Need to Get By,” “Just Can’t Get Enough” with Kurt and Blaine, Rachel and Finn’s “We’ve Got Tonite,” and the ensemble performance of “Anything Could Happen.” All awesome.
– Marley figured out that Ryder was responsible for her awesome Valentine’s Week and they kissed. Greeeeat.
– “Not everything has to do with you.” —Finn, to Rachel. Clearly he’s never watched an episode of his own show.
– Is Rachel preggers?
– If Rachel IS preggers, are you with me in praying to anyone or anything that will listen that it’s not an IDK WHO MY BABY DADDY IS storyline? I mean, statistically speaking, it’s gotta be Brody’s, but since when has Glee let anything like common sense get in the way of batshit insanity?