In the aftermath of last week’s emotional smackdown, we gathered at McKinley High to dance with tyrannosaurs and brontosauruses because Brittany morphed into a brat while we weren't paying attention to her the past few weeks and decided that the prom theme would be “dinosaurs.”
Actually, that’s a pretty amazing idea. I can’t even tell you what my prom theme was because it was painfully generic, with lots of tin-foil stars and pastel swag and Christmas lights. Lo, my most vivid memory of prom is the nice police officers crashing the continental breakfast to take my soon-to-be-ex away. Apparently his definition of “borrowing” a car was a little flawed. Yup. That happened.
I can’t even name my king and queen. Or picture them. Sure, I could drag out a yearbook and check, but frankly, I don’t care that much because in the grand scheme of life, prom ultimately ranks low on the “important events” meter.
Unless, of course, you’re there. I don’t remember the theme, the court, or even what color my dress was (green, I think, maybe?) but I remember being out of my mind with anticipation and excitement in the weeks leading up to the big night. So while the whiplash of going from emotional devastation to party time in the span of one Glee episode was jarring—and frustrating, because I’m anxious to see where Beiste’s story goes—it was also a fairly accurate representation of how the prom mindset tends to work, right down to Rachel throwing herself a literal pity party when prom festivities began to overshadow the great and terrible angst she suffered after blowing her NYADA audition.
In her voice-over, Rachel said she was working on making peace with her new lot in life. She'd decided to concentrate on smaller goals and dreams, setting her sights on prom. However, when she was not announced as a final contender for prom queen, and Quinn was, inspiring the launch of a joint campaign with Finn, Rachel decided to throw the fabled “anti-prom party.”
The anti-prom is a fine tradition and Rachel managed to organize a fun guest list: Blaine, who was boycotting prom due to Brittany’s strict "no hair gel" policy; Kurt, for fear of being voted prom queen again; Puck, because he was sick of failing at life (in this case, he was afraid he wouldn't be able to spike Sue Sylvester’s “prombrosia” punch); and Becky, who was also disappointed at her exclusion from royal consideration. It could have been a fun crowd, but Rachel was not in the mood to have fun, and the rest of her guests failed to adequately plan for activities that weren’t prom.
“Strip poker?” Becky suggested.
The response was a resounding no.
At the dance, Quinn and Santana butted heads over who was the rightful prom queen. Finn found out that Quinn’s physical therapy was going resoundingly well and she appeared to be well on her way to a full recovery. Quinn begged him to keep his mouth shut when he caught her standing up in the ladies room. She said she wanted to save the big reveal for the right moment—being crowned queen—but really, she was angling for sympathy votes. Classy.
Finn huffed off to rescue Rachel from anti-prom, only to find that most of the anti-prom crowd had given up on amusing themselves. Almost everyone decided to suck it up and go to the dance anyway. Oh god, Blaine’s poor poofy hair.
The only anti-prom goers who stayed behind were Becky and Puck. Becky got her strip poker and totally owned Puck. Nice Star Wars underoos. I’m totally jealous. Right before being forced to bare all, Puck floated the idea of crashing prom anyway. He crowned himself king and made Becky his anti-queen and the duo tag-teamed an effort to spike Sue’s prom punch with rousing success. Maybe the victory will push Puck out of his “I’m-a-loser” mindset. I get that flunking geography was a huge blow, but I can’t help but wonder why he doesn’t just go to summer school, rather than repeat an entire year.
Oh, right, we need an excuse to keep Mark Salling around.
In the end, Santana and Quinn’s squabbling over the crown was ultimately for naught. They tied, then decided out of the goodness of their hearts (or something) to crown Rachel the prom queen, because in the real world, when life doesn’t go your way, the popular kids band together to cheer you up.
Hey, at least there were cheerleaders gyrating wildly with giant dinosaur helmets strapped to their heads. That was pretty great, definitely less confusing than the continued perpetuation of this bizarre fantasyland high school where everything is beautiful and nothing hurts—for more than an episode or two, or unless the Powers That Be determine we need to inject some random drama into the fray.
1. Hey guys, Quinn can walk! Raise your hand if you DIDN’T see that coming.
2. What do you think Tina's been up to lately?
3. I wasn’t wild about any of the musical performances in “Prom-a-saurus,” but for the sake of picking SOMETHING, I’m going with “You are a Dinosaur” just because the giant dinosaur heads made me smile. Which performance did you like the best?