Hey, kids. Glee’s back! Did you miss it? I missed Darren Criss’s face, Beiste being awesome, and Sue. I still miss Sue. Why is Sue always MIA these days? I thought I missed Marley, but then she opened her mouth. I missed Brittany. I think that means I might have missed Sam too. I did not miss Kitty. UGH, KITTY. RIGHT? And now she’s dating Puck Sr. and they’re getting along and she was nice for like, ten seconds, but I’m so burned on her that I don’t know if I should take it for sincere niceness or just more of her psychotic manipulation. The more I think about it, the more I’ve come to realize that there’s really no point in trying to figure her out because Glee is going to make Kitty do whatever it's convenient for Kitty to do at any given time regardless of motive, previous characterization, common sense, or anything that even vaguely resembles a clear plan for the overall plot of the show. More and more this season, tuning in for an episode of Glee is like playing Barbie (or GI Joe!) with your friends. It doesn’t matter what the story was the last time you got together because it’s all pretend—so somebody wants Tina to lust for Blaine and Blaine to long for Sam and Kitty to randomly grow a soul, then so be it.
So this week on Glee, Kitty was “a mean hot bitch who likes to get what she wants,” but she was also a really sweet, supportive girl who read Noah Puckerman’s typo-laden screenplay when she didn’t have to and actively encouraged him to stick with his screenwriting aspirations as though she she actually cared. Does she actually care? Idk. I’m mostly of the opinion that Puck hooking up with Kitty was dreamed up purely to drive a wedge between the Puckerman-brothers-from-different-colored-mothers.
Tina came up with the idea of holding a Sadie Hawkins dance at McKinley because EMPOWERMENT. Also, her fellow members of the Too Young to be Bitter Club were sick of never having dates to school-wide soirees. The EMPOWERING nature of the Sadie Hawkins dance meant that for the first time ever, these perpetual wallflowers would get to go to a high school dance with their dream man. Or at least, that was the theory. I have to admit that I’m not entirely up on my Sadie Hawkins rules and regulations. My high school didn’t hold them because our principal was of the opinion that we should feel empowered to ask our crushes to dances at every dance, not just the one specifically designated for girls. Still, I get it, Glee takes place in the patriarchal dystopia of Western Ohio where girls don’t dare approach the boy they love for fear of, well, rejection, I guess. Unfortunately, rejection still factored into the McKinley Sadie Hawkins festivities because while the boys couldn’t ask the girls out, they could still turn them down, which is just what Blaine did when Tina singled him out via song.
Tina has a crush on Blaine now. She called him the “love of her life” when she later disbanded the Too Young to be Bitter Club because they ended up going to the dance as friends-who-may-or-may-not-have-almost-kissed. I’m leaning toward not because Blaine, meanwhile, had developed a crush on Sam, who is still dating Brittany, and made gooey eyes at him the entire time he slow-danced with Tina. A flowchart would be really helpful right now, Glee.
I want to believe Glee is setting us up for a story about unrequited crushes and how they just kind of happen and they’re part of growing up. I just don’t believe the show ever thinks that far ahead.
Earlier in the episode, Finn-who-is-most-definitely-not-a-teacher was hanging out in the teacher’s lounge like it was his second home and angsting over how hard it was to keep the glee club interested in rehearsing without an upcoming competition to justify it. It was as though the writers themselves were speaking to us through young Finn, acknowledging that they feel our pain, that there’s really no point to any of this without trophies to covet and big, glittery, drama-fraught performances to build up to. Never fear! Many of you totally called it in the comments weeks ago, so this may not come as any surprise, but it looks like the Warblers cheated at Sectionals. I KNOW. Roids, man. I loved the nefarious montage of Warblers getting shots of steroids in the butt, slowly going insane, and then all-out drinking the stuff. I’m not sure that it works that way, but I like it when Glee is weird, over-the-top, and just a little bit cheesy, so it worked. Blaine, Finn, and Sam encouraged the sole holdout, Trent, to come forward with his insider knowledge. He was reluctant, but I’m sure he’ll come around. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was awarded with a spot on the reinstated New Directions, really.
In New York, Rachel and Brody became an actual official boyfriend-and-girlfriend thing. A few years ago, Gawker made a list of Seinfeld episodes that couldn’t have existed in today’s cellphone-filled world. Rachel and Brody’s story fell firmly in line with those classics of the early and mid-'90s. Brody was late for a dinner date because his train was delayed. Rachel lost her shit. A twenty-something college student in New York City in 2013 doesn’t have a cellphone? Lol, okay. Actually, we know for a fact that Brody owns a cellphone because we saw it back when he banged his dance teacher. (How’s that flow chart coming along, Glee?) Brody was so sorry about being late that he offered to move to Rachel’s neighborhood because that’s totally not an insane overreaction at all. Rachel went a step further and invited Brody to shack up with her. Hmm, what's Kurt doing to say to that, I wonder?
And speaking of Kurt, he started at NYADA fresh off of his conveniently timed winter showcase audition and struggled to find his place. He ended up with the Adam’s Apples show choir whose leader took one out of Blaine’s book and tried to recruit/woo Kurt with a song. That song may or may not have been the totally ripped off from nerd god/musician Jonathan Coulton cover of “Baby Got Back.” Kurt was moved to almost-tears. Then again, Kurt is moved to tears when the wind blows so ugh, Kurt.
– Glee playlist time: “Tell Him” by Marley, Brittany, and the girls was a lot of fun. Tina finally got a solo even though it existed purely to embarrass both her and Blaine. If you ignore the cringy faces they both made through the entire performance, her “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” from Jesus Christ Superstar was the glorious Tina solo we’ve been waiting for all season because “Gangnam Style” totally didn’t count. Also, Ryder’s “I Only Have Eyes for You.” I’m a sucker for oldies, okay?
– So is Kitty people now or is this just more of her crazy?
– Tina had a lot of questionable moments in “Sadie Hawkins” but her assessment of prom was spot-on.
– The fact that Jake was actually considering ditching Marley when Kitty offered to screw his brains out reeeeeally doesn’t help the already sub-level opinion I have of him. You?
– “I had every flavor of Cheerios you can imagine.” Lol. Dirty.
– If Trent comes forward and the Warblers are disqualified, that means that the also-disqualified New Directions automatically win? That doesn’t seem logical...