Gossip Girl: The Threesome Heard 'Round the World

"Please don't curse me, Jenny."

Well goodness gracious that was a scandal, wasn't it? I mean, it was just disgusting and appalling and shocking, and for someone that age! I just don't know what television is coming to anymore. What's that? Oh, ha! Mercy no, I'm not talking about that little threesome. I'm talking about Jenny's hair at Cotillion! Has the girl never heard of a comb? Did a family of possums just get evicted from up in there? I know they're trying to go with a real hobo/match-girl chic with the little moppet, but... dag. Couldn't she have worn her damn hair up just once? Also, do people usually wear black dresses to deb balls? That seems kind of moody, doesn't it? And what were those half-gloves? They made her hands look like paws. Sigh. Jenny is by far the most-styled person on the show, and she ends up looking like Morticia Addams, if Morticia and Gomez made some bad financial decisions and had to sell the creepy mansion and go hop boxcars. I hate it. I really do.

Anyway. Yes, there was a threesome last night! And it was between probably the three grossest people that could have a threesome on this show. Well, OK, no it wasn't between Wallace Shawn, Serena's old rat boyfriend, and Rufus. That would probably be the grossest. Or, wait! What about that girl from Spanglish who was on the show last night, Old Man Bass, and Jonathon. That'd be nice and disgusting. But no, it wasn't that either. It was between, gulp, Dan, Hilary Duff, and... shrieeeeeeeeek... Vanessa. Dan and Vanessa did it! Dan and Vanessa did it! OMFG, I had totally forgotten that the threesome was supposed to happen last night and then when I saw the three of them sitting on the floor like that I slowly started to piece it together, getting more and more anxious, and finally when I realized it was definitely, absotutelylutely gonna happen I just uttered a long, and low "Nooooo.....", but there was nothing I could do to stop it. Before I knew it he was suckin' mug with her and then she was eatin' face with that one and then, worst of all, he was playing tonsil hockey with that one and the world shuddered and stalled and groaned on its axis and somewhere someone Scottish yelled "I can't hold 'er together much longer!" but then, blessedly, the show cut to commercial before we could see much more of Dan and Vanessa slurpin' uglies and the world could live to churn on another day. Phew.

But let's go back to the beginning, so we can understand where this near-ELE got its horrid, nasty start. Two big things were happening. The first was that it was, as mentioned above, Cotillion. The word "cotillion" is French for "event meant for high school students but attended by college students who have nothing better to do." And what better college students who seriously have nothing to do with their lives than Blair and Nate. Oh, and Serena and Chuckles were involved too, because they don't go to college, they just sort of moop around town lazily like afternoon slugs, leaving sex-slime everywhere they go. Blair and Serena were both directly involved in the Cotillion, serving as "mentors" or some mumbojumbo that the writers came up with so there could be some continuity and intercourse between a Blair/Serena storyline and a Jenny storyline. So many moving parts in this one!

I for one just couldn't believe there was a Jenny story. And, oddly enough, the half-sketched outline of an Erick plot. Erik! The weird gay dwarf one! Unbelievable. But yeah, Jenny is trying to maintain her crown as Queen Bee of Constance's Billiards Academy, and though her hustle at the pool table is good, she still needs to make a big society splash. So, perfect then that it's Cotillion, where she gets to wear a fancy witch's dress and hopefully get escorted by a dashing young fellow named Crick Arbordick, the "hottest guy on the Upper East Side," if you don't count Wallace Shawn. Crick Arbordick is the cream of the crop, but he's hard to get, especially when you're just an animate Brooklyn dumpster wearing poorly-lashed-together weave, like Jenny is. Luckily Jenny met that girl from Spanglish with the pleasing chipmunk face, who lives in the same building as Crick and can totes introduce them. This all went down at some sort of weird dance rehearsal that Lonely Lily was running. Lily was concerned that Jenny didn't have a formal escort yet, especially because she had yet to learn some sort of important dance (which, later on, we didn't even get to see! I wanted to see choreographed dancing!). So Lily introduced her to some be-tank-topped dancerman and described him as "fabulous" while Erik stood in a corner, gawping and panting, his eyes bulging out of his face like a cartoon dog. I was sort of hoping that the dancerman would play some sort of role in the episode, but these were delicate butterfly wishes that were soon torn asunder.

So it was complicated. Basically: Yes, Erik was at the rehearsal thing for no particular reason other than to ogle dancing men, but at one point, still mad about the incident in which Jenny splattered white stuff all over his face and then sprayed a gooey, viscous substance all over Jonathon's, Erik did approach Jenny and try to make a little starling peace with her. See she was in the back hallway practicing her sad little dance moves, and he was just like "Oh honey girl, no. You gotta..." and then he popped his hips out and shimmied his shoulders and in Midtown the Empire State Building pulsed deep pink for a moment, and Jenny stood in awe, Erik's diamond eyes sparkling in the dim light. So they were kind of pretend friends again and Jenny told him about her current escortlessness and Erik said "Why don't you take Jonathon?" and Jenny was all "Ew, he smells like egg salad. But, whatever, do you think he'd go with me?" And Erik said "Totes" and Jenny said "Totes" and a deal was a deal. Then Jenny went to go dance and while she was dancing? She got a textual from Crick Arbordick! Erik totally intercepted it and told him that Jenny was busy, because he wants Jen and Jon to become friends, mostly so they can have a kinky threesome in which Jenny just sorta lies there bored and awkward while J & E just J & O all over the place.

Deception! Shame, Erick. Shame. Meanwhile our sad mentors Blair and Serena were still fighting from last week about oh I don't remember except for when Serena sensually smashed Blair's face into cake and all the boys nearby just had to immediately sit down for a few minutes. So yeah, Cakegate was still in play and it was totally ruining their mentoring concentration. Too bad then that Lily, still very lonely because Rufus is more floppy and insubstantial than she'd remembered, decided to have a party at her house for all the Cotillion girls and it was up to Blair and Serena, as wizened mentors, to be in attendance. Grumble grumble, everyone's in a fight, I sure hope they resolve it by the end of the episode. (They will!) At the party, Blair was, of course, assigned to Jenny, which meant that Blair wanted her to be ruthless. (No, not Rufus. Ruthless.) This meant that Jenny really, really couldn't take old beanstalk scarecrow Jonathon to the big dance, because he's a weird homo who's dating a dude and stuff. Even though he's a Whitney! It doesn't matter. So Jenny doesn't know what the H E double hockey sticks to do, and Erik is trying to fondle and caress Jonathon into believing that mean Pirate Jenny really even wants to go with him, and then of course Pugsly from Spanglish has to show up and piss in everyone's swimming pool. See, she went and said to Jenny: "Hey that's weird that Crick Arbordick texted you and then you said you already had a date." And Jenny's eyes turned black obsidian and a cold green flame surrounded her head like Maleficent and she whirled around and lunged at Erik. "You! How dare you??? Don't you know who I am??? Don't you know what I'm trying to be???" And Erik shrieked and started swatting and screamed "You said you were taking Jonathon! No backsies! No backsies!"

But sadly, young master Erik, there are backsies. There are so very many backsies. Jenny, still in a huffy rage, stabbed Jonathon, slapped Pugsly, and said "I'm going with Crick Arbordick, and not even the army of Genghis Khan himself can stop me." Angry and hurt because no one (understandably) likes his Betty Boop boyfriend, Erik went and got the next best thing to Genghis Khan's army. He got Blair. Blair who was mad at Jenny for, oh I don't know who cares, just know she was mad. So they teamed up with Pugsly to conspire against Jenny and a new flint hardened in Erik's eyes and it was like watching Bambi consider murdering someone. Sort of exciting, but mostly just unpleasant. Basically their plan was this: They'd get Crick Arbordick to go with Pugsly, but not tell Jenny, thus ruining her Cotillion, and by extension her entire life. And how would Erik get the fanciful young Crick to go with Pugs instead of Uggs? Hah, well, see he and Erik had gone to Camp Wannawacka together and apparently, some sexy malfeasance had gone down that Crick would prefer kept secret. So, blackmail. Erik! For shame again!

Over in Chuckles' little opium den, he and Nate lazily hatched a plan to get Blair and Serena to stop fighting, mostly because Chuck and Nate were having one of those weird weeks where they just spend all their time together and by Saturday evening they're all punchy and acting like little old meddling Jewish ladies and cackling to themselves about strange, indecipherable private jokes. So they saw Blair and Whoosers fighting and Nate turned to Chuckles and said "You know I can't stand it! Those two, always with the fighting. She's mad at her, her's mad at she. I just can't stand it." Chuckles just shook his head knowingly, sat back in his chair, and waved his hand at Nate. "Oh please, you remembah last summah. They're cats and dawgs, those two. There's nothing to be done about it. We should just lock 'em in an elevatuh and have 'em wrestle it out." Nate's raised his eyebrows and took off his pearly reading glasses and let them dangle on their chain. "You know, that's not a half bad ideah."

And so that's what they did. At the Cotillion, Chuck chloroformed the elevator attendant guy, made the car that the girls were in stop, and then came on the little speakerbox and said "You two have to make up." And then you heard Chuck's voice a little muffled, talking to Nate, saying "Whaddayou need another eclair for? We just had knish a half hour ago. Always with the eating you are." After a spell, Blair and Serena got to talking and then delicate touching and eventually they figured out that they weren't really mad at all. Serena was just incongruously upset about her dad, which had nothing to do with anything, but whatever. She was also upset about Tripp van der Blixen, the married politician cousin of Nate's. See, Sereenz, a very important 18-year-old, had taken a high-profile PR gig at Tripp's political office, but there were... clearly some sexy feelings going on. So she didn't know what to do and Blair said "Nunh unh, you gotta quit. He's a married Congressman." Which was sound advice, so Serena bobbed her strawberry head and it was decided.

Of course later on she didn't quit the job, she just flirted with Tripp some more and they agreed to just be secretly crushing on each other, and you know that by next week he'll actually, like physically, be crushing her and oh dear, political imbroglio. Somewhere Nate and Chuck were talking about their country club and about how Dina Kleinman told Morty Epstein that Mitsy Moverberg had a drinking problem and wasn't that just a scandal? I mean, not surprising mind you, you know how Mitsy is, but still a scandal. And during membahship season!

Back at Cotillion 3000, Erik's plan went off without a hitch, sort of. Basically, yes, Pugsly totally shocked Jenny by being escorted by a terrified and suicidally closeted Crick Arbordick, and Jenny ran off the stage in her black horror-dress, never to return again. Except when she found out that it was Blair who had set her up and she vowed revenge. Her revenge insisted of calling up Nate and having him escort her, because he's a college boy that all the high school girls are obsessed with (they want hair and eyebrows just like his), so I guess that's winning. When Jenny called Nate to see if he could come he said "Sure thing, bubbeleh. Hey, Chuck? Chuck, is the Lexus still making that sputtering noise? I need to drive into the city. No, the CITY. Yes, the Lexus. Oh it is? Jenny, it's fixed. The Lexus is fixed. Give me a half owah. All riiiight? Uh huh. OK. Kisses to you. Gotta go. Yup. Uh huh. All right. Buhbye. Kisses."

So Jenny won and Pugslly was dragged out back and shot by Jenny's minions, and I guess that means that Erik lost. He hates new bitchy Jenny and wants to get her back. But now he's down a team member. Yes, you see, Jonathon does not approve of all of Erik's scheming, especially the teaming up with Blair part. So he unceremoniously broke up with Erik, who looked sad in the way a puppy or a kitten looks sad as you're leaving the house and they sit and watch you close the door. It's a small heartbreak of a look, but you know they'll get over it soon enough. I half-expected Erik to go and put the moves on Crick, but Gossip Girl is never that good. I mean, really.

When she got home, Lonely Lily put Rufus to bed and then sat at her desk to read some mail. There was a letter from Serena's father. What to do? Does anyone care?

So that was the main story. The B story was this hideous threesome. Basically the tale was this: Hilary Duff is in some weird Twilight joke of a King Arthur movie series and they're about to make a fourth and should she do it? See, it would mean leaving school and thus leaving Dan and their bestest tag-along, Pumyra. Dan doesn't want that, obvs, and Hilary doesn't really either. The only person who does is Vanessa, because obvs she's secretly in love with Dan, and is a nerd obsessed with the movies. Blergh. So Hilary decides F this in the A, Ima do college, and wouldn't you know it, the NYU school paper, The Purple Nurple, decides to run a feature about the 15 things you have to do before you leave college. The threesome decides to do 'em. They were things like get drunk while playing beer pong Beirut, do drugs, murder a drifter, steal the rival school's pig mascot, walk down 10th avenue for no reason whatsoever (srsly, 10th avenue?), and then there was one thing that no one talked about until toward the end of the episode.

There was a party and Dan and his gal pals drank like crazy and wooo hoo, there were keg stands and flip cups and all manner of college things. There was falling down stairs and stumbling into subway tracks, and waking up in a stranger's dorm room with the vague sense that you compromised yourself the night before. You know, all that fun university stuff. So after the party, and after Hilary made the sad decision that she couldn't let everyone at the movie down and not show up, the three amigos were back at the dorms and drinking more and just sort of slurring around and Hilary said "What was the last thing? What's the last thing I have to do before I leave?" And, wouldn't you know it, it was a threesome. Vanessa's eyes twinkled with wonder. This might be her chance to get Dan in the sack. Hilary gulped down her drink. She kissed Dan. Then she kissed Vanessa. Then.... hurrrrrrdyyyy gurrddyyyyyyy (I make old-timey sounds when I vomit), Vanessa and Dan kissed and the seas raged and the wind swept and earth trembled beneath our feet.

Let's try not to imagine what happened next. What sort of strange lurching and keening and thump-thumpery occured in the wicked still of the night between the cutaway and the new scene of the three of them lying in bed. Vanessa draped on Dan, Dan leaning toward Hilary, Hilary lying with her eyes wide opened, ashamed, so very ashamed. She used to be the nice girl. Then she did that stupid War, Inc. movie where she put the scorpion down her pants and said "fuck" all the time and now she was ruined, lying in bed with Penn Badgley and some weird cat-like cavewoman and oh God, what a sad state. She then drifted off to sleep and her phone buzzed blue with a text message. "DIRECTOR OUT, MOVIE'S OFF, HOLLYWOOD PEOPLE DO BIZNESS BY TEXT, RIGHT? LOL, HEART U, -- SHOWBIZ." So, oops! Consequence free threesome just got consequential. Ew. Vanessa. Ew. Ewwwww.

At the end of the episode there was a montage. It showed Vanessa standing in the bathroom, her two friends/lovers still snoring in the bed. She stood and looked in the mirror, shocked and giddy. A smile danced, flitted really, across her face. What a whole world had opened up, so strangely. What things we can do when we are young! It cut to Nate and Chuck, laughing and drinking tea, Nate standing up in his house coat to reenact some sort of dance, mimic some old friend of theirs. Chuck slapped his knee and cackled and oh they were good friends, weren't they? Then it cut to Rufus and Lily, sitting quietly in bed, the clock ticking, both of them bored and alone. Rufus turned to her and smiled weakly. She smiled back, but couldn't help a single tear from falling. Away we went to Blair, eating bonbons with Dorota on the couch, fighting jovially over the remote. Off to Serena, dancing a slow sad dance with Tripp in his office, two lovers kept apart by politics and dynasties, by war and money. But for now at least there was dancing. We saw Jenny pedaling her pennyfarthing bicycle furiously down the highway, in pursuit of Pugsly. She would chase her forever and ever, to the ends of the Earth. Frankenstein chasing his monster until the world dimmed and purpled out of existence. And finally there was Erik. Throwing pebbles at Jonathon's window to no avail. Walking the city streets. Feeling the thrum and pull of the Ramble calling to him, but resisting it. Instead he just walked the lonely streets all night, feeling weighted and small, wanting to go home, but not sure where that was. When last we saw him he was boarding a bus at the Port Authority. The sign on the front read "Camp Wannawacka." Erik was chasing down old ghosts. Old splashy canoe rides. Old rolls in pine needles. The bus zoomed over the George Washington Bridge and then it was gone.

Everything was black.