Gossip Girl: Where, Oh Where, Is Blair?

Gossip Girl S05E14: "The Backup Dan"


This week’s episode of Gossip Girl found the writers making the unprecedentedly bad decision to keep all the characters in the same god-awful wedding outfits they wore last week. Unflattering coats of all shapes and lengths (drapey, cape-y, boxy; hovering unbecomingly around everyone’s hips and calves) were added...

... and Blair did get grody in an airport (more on that later). She was also fetching for a hot second at the very end of the episode, but on the whole, it felt like a big middle finger to those who criticize Gossip Girl for being about style over substance. A risky move for a show with zero substance.

We open back at the St. Regis, the setting of the least lavish royal wedding in history. Seriously—I’ve seen sixteenth birthday parties more Super Sweet than this. Music blasts from Multipurpose Ballroom #4, where everyone’s parents are embarrassing them by getting drunk and grinding on the dance floor. Their grinding song of choice? That old wedding standard about how you’re definitely not a virgin but, boy, do you feel like one: "Like a Virgin" by Madonna.

Speaking of non-virgins, where is Blair? Serena is looking high and low. Is Blair with this octogenarian couple Serena has never seen before? Is Blair with the mother of her best friend and the mother of her best friend’s kept man—Serena’s very own Lily and Rufus? Is Blair hiding out in one of the ballroom’s modest flower arrangements, disguised as a pale pink peony? No, no, and no! Where is Blair?

In the midst of her search, Serena happens upon Blair’s shiny new husband, Prince Louis, all dressed up like a cruise ship captain, posing for pictures in front of the grand staircase with an endless parade of embarrassed-but-excited white tweens in cornrows.

“Please tell me you know where Blair is!” she exclaims, and Louis breathes a fantastic little “Ah!” as he turns around, clasping both of Serena’s palms in both of his.

“I believe she went to the powder room to freshen up,” he smiles, giving her hands a reassuring little shake-shake-shake as he speaks. Serena darts off to the bathroom to find Blair and, hey, while she’s in there, maybe score some coke (You’re not a cop, right Louis?), leaving the prince to frown nefariously toward a grim horizon only he can see.

But, of course, Blair isn’t in the powder room or the billiard room or the conservatory or the maintenance closet. She left the wedding reception early and is now at JFK with Dan Humphrey, plotting an escape to the Dominican Republic for a quickie divorce.

After harrumphing around the airport for an hour, fretting that someone will recognize her—in her huge white wedding gown and sparkly tiara, as the royal bride—it finally occurs to Blair that it might be a good idea to swap her Vera Wang for some less-obtrusive duds. While she’s off shopping for her duty-free peasants’ rags, Dan fields a call from Serena.

“IspilledwineonmydressI’mhomenow,” mumbles Serena, from Chuck’s penthouse, where she, Chuck, and GossipGeorgina are trying to locate Blair.

“I’m at the reception! Blair just left with Louis!” yells Dan, over the airport hubbub. The lies are coming fast and furious from both sides, the web of them growing more tangled and dense than Serena’s atrocious up-do. Serena’s suspicious, Dan’s oblivious, and a moment later, Blair Waldorf reemerges as the sorority girl from your sophomore year sociology recitation.

After Serena hangs up, GossipGeorgina comes perilously close to saving everyone a lot of time when she tells the group that Dan is lying about Blair’s whereabouts (henceforth: blairabouts). Chuck and Serena refuse to believe her, because when has a principal character on this show ever lied to another principal character, except always? It’s not until a few scenes later, when Louis sends a text to Blair’s phone (which, for a convoluted reason, Serena is holding), demanding to know where his bride is, that they realize their folly. Of course, by that time, GossipGeorgina has already blown off those squares, and is hot on the trail of Blair, her mark.

Back at the Van der Woodsen penthouse, we’re treated to a delicious throwdown between Mama Monaco and Eleanor Waldorf, in which the former threatens that, should Blair back out of the marriage now, the Waldorfs will be forced to come up with the dowry previously waived by Blair and Louis’s prenuptial agreement. Number one, what a bad way for Eleanor to find out her daughter is missing. Number two, how are the Waldorfs going to come up with €480?! Eleanor will have to sell her company!

Meanwhile, in the Upper East Side’s least secure luxury apartment building, Serena and Chuck are bursting into the Waldorf’s apartment to find Dorota locked in a closet trying on Blair’s rubber sex suit. I mean shoes. It seems Georgina put her there—with snacks!—after demanding information about Blair’s escape plans. Dorota reveals to Detectives Van der Woodsen and Bass that Blair is planning a nighttime flight to the Divorcian Republic, and that she asked Dorota to bring her passport to an airport hotel post-haste. Chuck and Serena offer to bring it to Blair themselves, and their well-intentioned incompetence ensures there’s no way in hell Blair is getting that passport tonight.

A few scenes later, an adorable screaming match between Blair and Dan is interrupted by a stern thump-thump-thumping at the door. “That’s not a Dorota knock,” says Blair, “She’s a stickler for shave and a haircut.”

What a fun Dorota fact—of course she knocks that way. An, oh yeah, It’s Chuck and Serena, here already! Miraculously, they’ve managed to bring Blair’s passport without issue and also, it appears, a couple judgmental faces.

What happens next is that everyone starts yelling at Dan. For sneaking away with Blair, for lying to Serena on the phone, for bringing a princess to a Best Western, and for just being Dan. Fed up (but when is he not?), Dan opens the door to storm out and—oops! There’s GossipGeorgina, who tailed Chuck and Serena right to Blair’s hotel room. She works quickly, snapping a photo of the group on her phone and pointing to Serena as the person who sent the marriage-ruining video of Blair to Gossip Girl, after her camera falls out of Serena’s purse. Then she peaces.

The video-sending revelation causes Serena and Blair to have a little tiff about the proper behavior of BFFs. Blair is flabbergasted that Serena spoiled her wedding/ future/whole life by leaking that clip to the public in the middle of her vows. Serena counters with, like, the rules of feminism, arguing that Blair should have found another pauper boy to take part in her Upstairs/Downstairs fantasies, since she totally called dibs on Dan and has liked him—like, LIKE-liked him—for a long time.

Serena seems to think she’s won—she certainly sashays out of there with her nose in the air—when she finds herself drawn, like a moth to a flame, to the nearest bar. Turns out this one’s right off the lobby and it, like every bar in an airport hotel, features a mopey would-be writer getting wasted off weak Jack & Cokes and a strong sense of self-pity. Hello, Dan.

Now on a rage bender, Serena accuses Dan of deceiving her earlier because he wanted to be the only friend coming to Blair’s rescue. This is a moment of remarkable perceptiveness for Serena, which is not to say that the conclusion she draws was not obvious (it was), but that, in general, she is remarkably unperceptive.

Back in Blair’s room, Chuck, who had been standing awkwardly by for the whole Blair-Serena argument, offers to charter a private plane to the Dominican Republic right away. One divorce and one tropical drink served in a novelty coconut cup coming right up!

At least, it looks that way until Mama Monaco, who had been apprised of the blairabouts by Gossip Girl, slinks in.

“Blah will not be going anywhere with anyone but my son.”

After turning down Chuck’s offer of cash, cash, cold hard cash, Blair finds Dan still(!) drinking alone in the hotel bar, and the two have a very sweet make-up chat. Not a chat about makeup (Blair’s an autumn, Dan’s a winter), but a chat that concludes with them all made-up and friends again. Interestingly, Blair seems to think the fact that Dan wrote Louis’s marriage vows indicates he cares about her more than Louis ever did. I would argue that Louis, being neither a professional writer nor a terribly proficient speaker of English, made a nice gesture by asking someone who knows Blair well to help him make her day extra special. However, I’m not getting crunk’d at a Best Western at 9pm, so what do I know?

Eleanor returns home to the Waldorf apartment to find noted non-writer of vows Prince Louis casually leaning against a giant marble column in her foyer. After snarling that she doesn’t care what she has to sell to pay back the dowry, she adds, without irony, that “for future reference, the Waldorfs don’t give into threats.”

Blair appears just then in a great light-gray sheath dress and blue traveling chapeau, to remind her that: yes, they do.

She tells her mother that she must go away with Louis but that “It’s just a year—not that long, right?” I’m not exactly sure how Blair arrived that this arbitrary time frame since, last week, after telling her “Owah marriage is ollle fa show,” Louis implied it was up to him when that show ended. She seemed confident nonetheless.

As usual, the biggest reveal of the episode happened in the final sixty seconds, when we learned that it was neither Serena nor Chuck but DAN who sent the wedding ruining video to Gossip Girl. And that’s why you don’t trust a boy from Brooklyn.


QUESTIONS:

– In this episode’s C-plotline, Nate started making moves on the real Charlotte, a.k.a. “Charlie” a.k.a. “Lola” Rhodes, who is back on the Upper East Scene in a stiff waiter’s tuxedo and heels impractical for a job that requires so much walking. Who’s going to be the first one to figure out that this girl is the real deal? And how many girls named Charlotte Rhodes will Nate fall in love with before he settles down with one?

– Didn’t Louis’s mother have to pass Serena in the hallway on her way to Blair’s hotel room? So awkward. What did they say to one another?

– We found out in this episode that Georgina took over for Gossip Girl because the original GG abandoned her post following Blair’s car accident. Do you think she’ll be able to hold onto the title for much longer?

Comments (18)
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Man, this show is not supposed to be as hard to understand but I always believed it was georgina who uploaded this video. Not only she shot it, but we saw her, last week or the one before, uploading it into the GG site... so I just conclude that she was the one because why shoot a video and waiting for someone to leak it ? I'm lost :( ... Should I use my brain as well for this show ?
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I hope Nate is the first to figure out that this is the real Charlie. He already knows abt the complex Mommy relationship- so maybe he'll get her to open up about her mom, and put 2 and 4 together..



The evil mom-in-law was probably lurking around the corner waiting on the crowd to disperse.



Georgina is a weak plot line with terrible acting.. Fingers crossed that the real GG is pissed she's taken over GG, and plots revenge..



A little fan fiction:

Beatrice helps Blair get out of the marriage and the dowry. The royal family is all about image right? So Beatrice discovers that Louis is having a secret affair with GASP- the creepy priest guy she was into in, and who wanted to take down the wedding.

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Wow, a lot of negative comments. I'm sorry to everyone who thought Gossip Girl would be an intellectual show where the characters discuss politics at every opportunity because it's so obvious that this was the intent of the writers! If you don't like the show, stop watching but don't pretend the show is way worse than it was before because of all the drama. The show started with the exact same drama and so it continues (minus the annoying Jenny and Vanessa).



Let's admit that in a show where everything is hunky dory, there isn't a lot of entertainment: Nate finds his true love (maybe THE Charlie Rhodes), Serena makes up her mind and ends up with Dan, Blair and Chuck get married and live happily ever after. That doesn't sound like good TVto me so I vote in favor of drama. We need Chuck and Blair to suffer (maybe with someone else for a change but still) and we need Serena to continue being the confused blonde that she is. Otherwise, we need new characters or a new show all together.



For those people who are interested to see silly drama that occupies the lives of the rich who have nothing better to worry about and for those who enjoy seeing beautiful outfits and expensive shoes, the show is still delivering. I suggest people stop being so negative, after all no one forces you to watch the show.
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pardon me, i didnt realize nobody could post on these forums unless they had nothing but praise for the show! in case you didnt realize a lot of us were fans of he show and our problems with it is not that we expected an "intellectual show where characters discuss politics" (ridiculous) but as any show you expect the characters to evolve, to grow, to be more dynamic not to be stuck in endless loops of pointlessness! plus gimmicks such as "oh no chuck we cant be together because god will kill you" have nothing to do with how they built the blair-chuck dynamic in the first seasons. so yes some of us do have problems with the direction of the show and we voice them... i suggest you stop being so negative after all no one forces you to read our comments.
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Not saying I agree or disagree with anyone. Just thought I'd say that the whole deal with God thing is taking a page out of "The End of the Affair." The writers were apparently paying homage to the author. Guess they were a fan.



I do think, however, that Blair has evolved- as well as Chuck. Chuck is no longer a dirty playboy, getting drunk and high constantly. He seems to have a truly kind heart now- watch him fall back into darkness now that I've said that.... Blair's transformation isn't as extreme. But she has become best friends with Dan Humphrey after all. She always hated him, and thought him below her Queen B status. That's a good change. Accepting others outside of her realm of royalty. Who knows, maybe now she'll start to grow up some. She's starting to show independence.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_End_of_the_Affair
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looooooooooool we've seen in the recent episode how much blair has evolved right? oh boy
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blair has done the whole relying on dan thing and then turned around and thrown a fit over and over again this season and last. im now sure how much independence she's showing by basically agreeing to be a slave for the crown for a "year".. but im sure this will suffer another twist soon enough.



the context of the end of the affair (as well as the age and life experience of the characters) cannot in any way be compared.. you've seen blair do the most "ungodly" acts throught the seasons but she suddenly (and convenient for the writers) became fearful of god's warth this season... if its homage great.. but it just doesn't work with these characters and in their "world". anyways ill drop this whole argument business. i'm giving it one more episode to see where they take it, this will certainly be the last season so hopefully they'll wrap it up in a satisfying way...
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I still think it was Georgina who posted the video on Gossip Girl!
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I have a love hate relationship with the show, I watch to see chuck and blair get together only to have them ripped apart. I can't stop watching but I really want to!
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i get what your saying... we invested the time so at least lets find out how it all goes down at the end. its just ridiculous how they've kept this blair-chuck thing going... first with the whole "pack with god" thing (!!!), now its self-sacrifice for one year... pleasee enough already ! then serena with her constant musical chair game with boyfriends, dan with his self-loathing, everyone lying left and forth, its too much already. they've paitned themselves into a corner with the whole gossip girl identity and have no way of giving us a satisfying reveal that will make sense.. so they pull the georgina thing and then backtrack... ai ai its just frustrating that the writers are trying to keep milking this.
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I would actually rather drop dead than to admit to my friends that I still watch this show so during this episode I was analyzing why I'm still watch since the storyline has become totally ridiculous. So here is my outcome; gorgeous outfits, shoes to die for and every episode gives me a new idea for my hair-do! A subscription to a fashion magazine would probably save me some time and be less painful!
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Right now, I'm only following the show because I want to see how it ends, after all the time I put into it, but it isn't really worth it anymore. I usually skip through it just to make sure.



I thought we already knew Dan had done it? At least, it was argued it wasnt Chuck because that would discredit him with Blair too, and then the camera lingered on Dan (last ep).



Serena ruined Blair's last chance at a decently happy marriage and Serena countered with Blair letting Dan drive her to the airport? How insane is that woman?
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agreed they should add it to the shows that hung on for too long list... OC suffered the same fate. lets hope audience numbers plummet quickly so they'll open up the time slot for some quality shows
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gossip girl is meant for 10 year old girls
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I was so happy last week to have been shown Gossip Girl, because out of every character it made sense that Georgina would be behind it. And then they took that all away from me this week...
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I'm with you.. For a wedding, the hair styles were AWFUL.
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Dan, please cut your hair.
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this show is getting soooooo old. characters much like the plot isnt going anywhere... beyond vapid.
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