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Grammys 2K11: All's Well that Ends Well

We have this conversation every year: Why do the Grammys exist anymore? Who is the awards show even for? It seems designed to bore younger viewers and confuse older ones. How many Justin Bieber fans know who Jeff Beck is? What did your mom think about Lady Gaga's vacuum-formed butt plate? Do these millionaires really need another pointless statuette to put in their statuette rooms? Oh well, maybe we should just skip that conversation this year and just accept it: The Grammys are like wisdom teeth—we don't need them anymore, but they'll always be an annoying thing we have to deal with.

Like some sea creature out of Planet Earth, last night the Grammy's washed up on shore for three-and-a-half hours of bleating and sputtering before triumphantly rolling back into the ocean; it could have been so sad except for the scattered moments of beauty. There were some honest-to-goodness, actual flashes of excellence mixed in with the mostly reprehensible happenings. Here's how it went down.

The show opened with a video tribute to Aretha Franklin, replaying many of her best Grammy moments. These included that time she was blonde, and also the time when she was joined onstage by the cast of Blues Brothers 2000, and who could forget the opera incident?

Then we were treated to five of the loudest singers in pop just yelling at us one at a time. Of course nobody could match Christina Aguilera's shouting—the magic of high-definition television made it seem like she was shouting at me personally. Why is she so mad at me lately? She shouted at me all during Burlesque, and now this. It's really starting to hurt my feelings.

Also, how weird was it to see that Florence + The Machine lady up there like she's some huge star? I mean, she has one song and it's in every commercial, but how many records has she sold? I sort of feel bad for her, like she was just trying to be some quirky weirdo but now the Eat Pray Love crowd has propelled her into the stratosphere. Anyway, she also yelled a ton.

Aretha Franklin appeared via satellite to thank everyone for thinking of her. I know she's been battling some pretty tough health problems lately, but I guess it's not so serious that she can't attend quinceañeras? Anyway, seriously, she's looking pretty good all things considered. Get better, Aretha!

Quick, can you spot three horrible things in this picture? So, Train won a Grammy for "Hey Soul Sister." Howie Mandel looked happy but exhausted.

Haha, okay. In the first truly weird moment of the night, Lady Gaga was rolled onstage in a glowing egg. It made me laugh how she was just chillin' in there, and then when she actually stood up to climb out it was all slow and awkward.

The new song is fine, but the whole spectacle was not terribly memorable. Sure, the prosthetic humps and horns added a subtle spookiness, but the big picture was pretty beige.

I DID love the part where she quickly ran upstairs and played that weird organ solo in the middle of her song. What was THAT? Awesome, is what.

Try harder, Lenny! People might not know you're edgy. So then Muse performed. Glad they're getting recognition from The Recording Academy two albums too late. It's also too bad they sang this song. I know not everything can be "Starlight," but I just miss the days when Muse wasn't a self-parody.

You know what was GREAT though? Like, the first excellent moment of the night? This triple combo of Bruno Mars, Janelle Monae and B.O.B. Holy jeez, this is what music should be. I really liked B.O.B.'s monacle and how Monae accompanied him on synths. Honestly, it was so effortlessly cool and the musicianship was incredible.

It was a little on-the-nose to broadcast the Bruno Mars segment in black and white, but he did a great job. I still object to the terrible lyrics of "Grenade," but man can he sell 'em.

The best part (of the night?) was Janelle Monae's performance of "Cold War." She absolutely destroyed the stage. They should've ended the show afterward. Everyone should've just gone home while the Staples Center was disassembled and buried in the desert. Music is done for a while. Everything about Janelle Monae is perfect.

This lady sang and then won some stuff. Miranda Lambert seemed pretty proud of her song, which had some simple ABAB rhymes and no hooks. I'm not the biggest country fan, but I'm pretty sure you can do better than this, country music. Anyway, I bet millions of moms all over the country were like, "She'd be so pretty if only she'd stand up straight."

Usher and Justin Bieber are the romance of the century. Not only was the story of their love-at-first-sight meeting told by TWO different people, we also got to see grainy video footage of the incident. Then we were treated to what felt like thirty minutes of maddeningly terrible entertainment.

After a quick acoustic bit, Justin Bieber found himself accompanied by the fighters from Mortal Kombat. Now, I don't want to incur the wrath of legions of Justin Bieber fanatics, but—oh, who cares? Justin Bieber is not a great singer or entertainer and those of you who love him will be a laughingstock in the future. Remember Clay Aiken? Jesse McCartney? Aaron Carter? Immature? Lil' Romeo? I mean, it's a free country and you can like any teen idol you want to, but just be honest with yourself and admit that you have bad taste in music and you like embarrassing things. I mean EMBARRASSING. I'm blushing right now just thinking about your taste. No offense.

As if to prove me right x infinity, Jaden Smith popped up for a "surprise" duet. It was a truly great moment where two visionary artists at the the height of their abilities came together to really reinvent the genre. Of children rapping.

These people must be stopped. In VERY unrelated news, did you enjoy that lovely Scientology ad during the commercial break immediately preceding this segment? Coincidence? Or COINCIDENCE?

Okay, the dance between Usher and Justin Bieber was sort of great. I mean, it was awful, but I was laughing and that counts for a lot in my book.

You could even see it in Usher's eyes. "What am I doing in life?"

But they got a STANDING OVATION anyway. It included NEIL YOUNG.

Haha remember when Paramore's guitarist left and was basically like, "Yeah, we were originally assembled by a music label." Of course you were. Everyone knew this. Did anyone actually think Paramore was a real band? Anyway, here they are with Pauley Perrette from CBS's very own NCIS! Look, I don't have a problem with Pauley Perrette. She seems like a nice, talented lady. But I think she and we all know that her mansion is built on a foundation of mediocrity. Wow, I am in a mood! Sorry, everyone. I'm sure I like tons of stuff that you think is garbage. Fair enough.

I'm with this guy.

Muse won an item. They reminded me a lot of Driveshaft, the fictional band from Lost. Also it was kind of gross when the lead singer smugly thanked his pregnant girlfriend and we all know that she is KATE HUDSON. Gosh, I need to cheer up. Hold on, let me put on "Starlight." Ah. Better. What a good song. Congratulations, Muse!

LOL.

The best thing about Lady Gaga is not her music (definitely not), but what a weirdo she is. When she won this Grammy, the gist of her speech was that she's too shy to be a superstar, so she pretended to be Whitney Houston while recording it. Whitney Houston!

Bob Dylan performed, accompanied by an army of scruffy DREAMBOATS.

See what I mean?

Actually, Mumford & Sons did a killer job. They are a terrific band, it was so weird seeing them on the Grammys. Bob Dylan was fine, but he should watch out that Tom Waits doesn't sue him for this performance. That voice!

J. Lo looked absolutely pissed off when Bob Dylan was done. Hilarious.

The real star of the night was this lady hanging out in a pre-taped, super fake sound booth who would take us out to commercial by pawing around at her HP tablet. It was very natural, very cool.

Glee's Lea Michele and a human wall (one of the Green Bay Packer dudes) introduced Lady Antebellum. I don't understand ANYTHING anymore. What is even going on? No idea.

Oh, THIS I understand. Miley Cyrus sharing the stage with Kings of Leon. Perfect.

Lady Antebellum won a ton of awards for a very ordinary sounding song. One thing I noticed is that several of the country performers came off as kind of defensive about their genre, repeatedly thanking "country radio" and implied that they don't get respect. What does that mean? Doesn't country sell way more albums than the other genres? What is it with people in majorities who pretend to be underdogs? Quit it! You have your own awards shows. This lady looked like Cat Power though, so she's got that going for her.

Oh, Cee-Lo. Classic Cee-Lo! Although I'm not thrilled with the "radio edit" of his song (which they hilariously referred to as "The Song Otherwise Known as 'Forget You'"), I definitely, thoroughly enjoyed his puppet-filled, Elton John acid trip of a performance.

I mean, WHAT? Did I dream this? This happened?

We get it, Katy Perry. You married Russell Brand. We're happy for you, we really are. Did he wear deodorant on your wedding day? Anyway, great job.

You know what should have been terrible but WAS NOT terrible? THIS THING! John Mayer, Norah Jones, and Keith Urban, three people who have struggled to overcome the Music-For-Moms stigma, absolutely nailed this quick-n-dirty rendition of Dolly Parton's "Jolene." I mean, credit where credit's due. I always forget how great Norah Jones' voice is. It is great! I got chills here. I don't know what's happening to me.

Eminem shouted a ton. Then Dr. Dre came out and joined him! Man, that was great. I've missed him. I'm gonna put on "Forgot about Dre" right now.

This lady, Ezmeralda Spalding, won Best New Artist, and I immediately felt bad for her. She beat Justin Bieber. As Best New Artist. Do you think she'll be okay? Is she surrounded by people who will protect her? I'm worried about her safety. Anyway, she seems lovely. I really liked how she thanked her teachers. Unlike everyone else, she did not thank a ton of industry insiders and executives. It was just a great acceptance speech in general.

Besties.

Mick Jagger is definitely still alive, and he definitely can prance around a stage. I'm not sure the song he sang (in tribute to the late Solomon Burke) was particularly amazing, but he's still got it. There is a slight chance that Mick Jagger is actually Iggy Pop with a shirt on. I'm not sure yet.

And then, because America demanded it, out came Barbra Streisand. Were your kids in bed yet? Or did this performance make them BEG to go to bed?

Nicki Minaj and will.i.am presented Best Rap Album. I really can't get enough of Nicki Minaj. I don't even know that much of her music. I just think she is so funny and weird. Didn't you love how she announced Eminem's name? She is the best. I want to be her friend. Also, I am tempted to say that will.i.am should be thrown in the ocean, but I still sort of like "Boom Boom Pow." Oh, well. Objection: WHY DIDN'T NICKI MINAJ PERFORM? Sustained!

Eminem seemed vaguely pissed off to be accepting a Grammy. Classic Eminem! I really want that jacket, though. (Personal note to Eminem: Can I have that jacket when you are done with it pretty soon?)

It's official: P. Diddy is slowly morphing into Biz Markie.

Whose job was it to Bedazzle Rihanna's crotch??

Okay, these two weirdos. What was going ON here? Obviously Mark Anthony was high, no need to mention that. Why was J. Lo being both uptight and giggly at the same time? But anyway, yeah. These two are a classic comedy duo in the music industry. I would love to see their lounge act.

Great news! Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are back together.

Like I said, all's well that ends well. There was some truly appalling B.S. we had to endure to get here, but Arcade Fire not only performed but then won the Grammy for Album of the Year. THEN they went back over and played A SECOND song! I do love me some Arcade Fire, but it still makes no sense in my brain that Arcade Fire won a Grammy. The MAIN Grammy. And they also rocked out the STAPLES CENTER. Man oh man. It almost made this whole ordeal worth it. Almost.

QUESTIONS:

... Did you find Lady Gaga disappointing?

... Who was the blonde lady in all the Lady Antebellum videos?

... Are you going to marry Justin Bieber?

... Has Nicole Kidman lost her damn mind?

Comments (48)
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LOOOVE your picture captions/screenshots, just posted nearly all of them on peoples walls on fb.
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1. not dissappointed with gaga
2.who cares?
3.not!
4.maybe
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How can you like Starlight over Uprising? What is wrong with you?

Also they should have played Hysteria, Knights of Cydonia or New Born and blow everyone else away, even more than they did with Uprising.
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Honestly I hate Justin Bieber. Why is that kid even Famous?
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you are so funny... lol...
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I have not seen yet a Grammy. I believe that Grammy is like Oscar, more commercial merits than artistic merits. But there are some good musicians that were crowned.
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Now I remember why I do not waste my time watching this trash...
You got kids that think they can sing??? And you got people that sound like frogs. And you get people in Eggs and what not! Total trash!!!! Just like 95% of the Trash on TV...And I am really glad I cut my Cable down to just 2-13 and the net....
Hell If I want to see trash, I just look outside....it is all over...Don't need TV to see it..... I get Netflix and Red Box....
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I didn't watch the Grammy's. This hilarious summary reminded me of why I made a wise decision. Thanks for filling me in on what I "missed". The next morning I woke up to the news on NPR that Arcade Fire had won Album of the Year. There is yet some justice in the world. Thank you, Arcade Fire, for making such a beautiful record. Hoping for many more.

... And, I happen to like Paramore. So there.
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That was hilarious! I actually laughed out loud because of the Driveshaft comment.
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Wow.... wtf is with all these music "stars" dressing up in weird costumes and looking like bloody morons? And why the hell are these people being given awards for mediocre, manufactured garbage? That isn't real music, its crap!
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What r u talking about? Nicole was Great as always.
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Quite possibly the biggest bunch of freaks to ever grace a stage.
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Jen and Brad! HAHAHAHA that really got me!

BTW, did anyone notice Nicole Kidman singing to Katy Perry's Teenage Dream? She was tapping her foot, bobbing her head and just really getting into the lyrics. She stopped when she noticed the camera and I was like "nuh-uh no point in stopping-- the whole world now knows you're a Katy Perry fangirl." And I love the way her face transitioned from "feeling it" to "oh this is a good song. What is it called again?" HAHA! Best thing here is this was just one of the many ridiculously LOL Grammy moments! Oh and I Missed Norah Jones as well. Where has she been hiding?!

Great review, as usual. :)
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The first twenty minutes was hard to watch. The next twenty didn't get any better. Then I changed the channel.
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Didn't watch the show, but found this review mostly entertaining... Have to disagree about Florence though. Her album is amazing!
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i didn't even see the grammys but this was HILARIOUS
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Lol, yeah great recap, I didn't even watch the grammy's. I agree Norah Jones has a great voice and that Justin Bieber and Jaden Smith needs to be stopped. Seriously.
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Some evil with your coffe Sr.?... hehehe
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Great recap!
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I completely agree with this statement, "Then we were treated to five of the loudest singers in pop just yelling at us one at a time." While they were vocally impressive, it still sounded like a 'Who can sing the longest and loudest' contest. I was in another room, watching something different when I heard them, too (dad was watching the Grammys).
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Staff
aw thanks you guys! when you say these nice things it warms my heart. I NEVER HAD A FAMILY BEFORE!
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this recap is better than the awards..
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Yay Arcade Fire won, A group with actual talent and is shoving down Corporate Radio-Friendly Garbage down our throats. They deserved that win for sure, and for these idiots who said "Eminem" or "Gaga" deserved the album of the year, the "Suburbs" while not the Best Arcade Fire Album Ever, "Funeral" was better was so much better then any of the other Nominees. Yay to real music!
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Nice explaining of the grammys, i had fun reading it! :) Thanks
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haha , this is the same guy that does the vampire diaries right? cool
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Price, I read a lot of tv.com's news articles and i have got to say nobody does as thorough a review as you. The pictures you show and the hilarious comments you write make the inane crap on TV that much funnier. Also you have singlehandedly made VD cool, keep up the good work.
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2K11? Why? It's just as easy, if not easier, to write 2011.
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dead on
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Confused why you praised certain performances...
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Hilarious recap. Couple of things: Isn't Mark Anthony always high? Yes, Gah's performance was THE least inspired, but that's because she's now revealed herself to be a relative of Spock and has no human emotions. ROFLOL about the reunited Brad & Jen. I know if I knew Biz Markie was I'd laugh. (But you didn't notice that P. Diddy is once again Puff Daddy! At least, according to intro.) Will be back.
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Thank you so much I totally hate award shows and this pretty summed up why and made me laugh way too hard!
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Arcade Fire Won and deserved to win. The Suburbs is a fantastic album. They are also an epic band to see live, I'm speaking from personal experience here, they are great.
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I was actually wondering why we need another Perez Hitlton wannabe doing a review of the Grammy's?
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Man were you off with a couple of things, Florence is a weird choice for the Grammys, she is pretty massive over here for an album that sold millions, her connection to this atrocious film is really the only way you guys know her? I am not a fan, but seriously do some freaking research as far as British acts go she is pretty massive. And seriously when did Starlight become Muse's best song? Learn them, like from the beginning, their recent stuff is alright but their past was sooooo much better.
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Loved this! Just like I love your TVD reviews. Only, unlike TVD, I found the Grammys atrocious.
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this. was. awesome. thank you, price peterson.
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JUST USE THE "0" IDIOT, your not trendy or cool by using a "K" instead it just looks stupid!
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interesting.
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Good review.
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oh ok.. i'm glad you explained.. guess i misinterpreted the comment.
she is the only reason i watch ncis so i can't say i disagree... the show itself without her i'm not a huge fan of.
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@teambff I definitely don't think Pauley Perrette herself is mediocre, only the TV show that made her rich. @Vidsignup Everyone knows the UK charts don't count.
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Eminem's performance was sick!!! (as usual). Also- cant wait for Detox... And oh yeah, another great review Price :) I didnt even notice the mortal kombat warriors near Justin Beiber until you mentioned it - hilarious!!!
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Ha ha you nailed the entire show. Weird as it all was I did enjoy a lot of the performances.
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oh and there is nothing mediocre about pauley perrette.. in a room filled with mediocre people it's weird you choose her to say this about.
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Didn't watch it but I'm pretty sure everything you just said is accurate. This awards show is a joke! Example: Who the eff is Ezmeralda Spalding....?!? J-Lo looks like she could eat Marc Anthony whole, he is tiny!
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awesome that arcade fire won.. a band with actual talent and who make artistic music, it made my day that they won over eminem who shouldn't even be famous in the first place... lady gaga is trying way too hard to be different which makes her a poser and gwyneth paltrow who i like needs to stay with acting and stop this singing stuff. (she was so awesome as pepper pots in iron man)
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Florence and the Machine has sold over 5 million albums and sat at #1 on the UK Billboard charts. Im not even a fan, though the music is decent enough. However it took about 3 seconds to look that up. Journalistic integrity indeed.
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man, I love reading your reviews. Excellent captioning.
I didn't watch the Grammies, but I got all I needed to know from this, with some laughs on the side.
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