Hank Will Tank; The Middle May Rise to the Top

The fire is already fizzling out.

Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton must be a package deal. Or something. Only a year has passed since their feeble FOX comedy, Back to You, was canceled, but both of them have found work in a pair of back-to-back ABC comedies premiering Wednesday night. Grammer plays Hank, a recently-fired ex-corporate business man who barely knows his kids. In The Middle, Heaton is a frazzled mother with a hilarious brood. It all sounds good and well for the both of 'em, except for one thing: Hank is a terrible show, and The Middle, though not completely original, is a great one. Grammer got the short end of the stick.

Kelsey Grammer can make anything sound aristocratic. He's got that erudite voice and that encyclopedic vocabulary -- and Dr. Frasier Crane beautifully showcased Grammer's talents. Hank's Hank Pryor may be a rich white guy, but the role isn't a good fit for Grammer. In fact, none of the show's roles are right for the actors playing them -- because none of the characters are interesting or compelling at all. Hank's wife Tilly (Mad Men's Melinda McGraw) spouts the occasional one-liner, but her quips are lost in the vacuum that is their lack of chemistry. Daughter Maddie (Jordan Hinson) is virtually impossible to like -- and her sarcasm isn't charming, either. The only saving grace is their son Henry (Nathan Gamble), a Yoda-quoting, four-eyed kid with an adorable blonde mushroom cut and promising comedic timing.

But little Nathan Gamble isn't going to save this show -- and Grammer knows it's doomed. His face seems more wrought with disappointment in every scene, and it's not just because his character is newly broke. It's more like a half-hearted look of both amusement and embarrassment, because he loves to work but knows this job can't last for long.

What's everyone looking at?

Meanwhile, Patricia Heaton may have scored a hit with The Middle. It's not incredibly unique -- the Midwestern accents, the quirky kids and, well, the title all pay homage to Malcolm in the Middle -- but the show is still hilarious. The show also inserts random vintage footage -- a la the Pete Rose shots in Arrested Development -- but imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right?

Heaton's character, a car saleswoman named Frankie, is a lot weirder than Everybody Loves Raymond's Deborah Barone ever was -- so much so that the parallels are reversed: Frankie is reminiscent of the wacky Raymond character and her husband, Mick (Scrubs' Neil Flynn), is the stable one. Flynn's Mick swaps the beloved Scrubs janitor's meanness for a surprisingly believable parental air. And together, Frankie and Mick are modern and irresponsible, yet decent, parents -- not unlike Malcom in the Middle's Lois (Jane Kaczmarek) and Hal (Bryan Cranston).

As long as we're making comparisons, Frankie's oldest child, Axl (Charlie McDermott), is Malcolm's Francis (Chris Masterson) and Reese (Justin Berfield) combined into one rude and apathetic teenage boy. Axl can only get better, especially because he's so understated (and accurate). The youngest, Brick (Atticus Shafer), is a mash-up of Dewey (Erik Per Sullivan) and Malcolm (Frankie Muniz) -- he's got Sullivan's face, Muniz's hair, Dewey's mischievousness, and Malcolm's intelligence. Brick also rips a page from the Dr. Evil book of comedy and whispers to himself under his breath. The anomaly of the bunch is middle child Sue (Eden Sher) -- she's bright, awkward, brace-faced, and completely unaware of how average she is. Sue has no Malcolm doppelganger -- and it's going to be her character that steers this show away from the one-dimensional house-full-of-boys premise onto the open road. Here's hoping it goes somewhere great.

Hank premieres Wednesday, September 30 at 8 pm on ABC. The Middle follows at 8:30 pm.