Discovery Channel's Shark Week has become somewhat of a holiday around the country, or more accurately, around the offices of the Discovery Channel. And while it does boost the network's ratings by a ton, it is also—in its 23rd year—becoming slightly tiresome. Television can only be educational for so long.
So why not take this week-long lovefest with the toothy fish as an opportunity to destroy your liver, get cozy with some random stranger, and cry on the phone while you drunkdial your ex? Shark Week begins this Sunday on Discovery, and what better way to celebrate than by turning it into a drinking game?
... Every time some random dude is referred to as a "shark expert," drink and declare yourself a "drinking expert."
... When the "Air Jaws" Great White Sharks are captured flying out of the water, start drinking. Don't stop until they are all the way back in the water. The last thing you should remember is the narrator bragging something about "super slow-motion 2,000 frames-per-second" and the sound of an ambulance siren.
... Every time a shark is referred to as "nature's perfect killing machine" or some iteration thereof, take a healthy sip, high-five your friend, and remind him that you "nature's perfect high-fiving machine."
... Every time they show one of those wussy Nurse Sharks that don't eat people, change the channel.
... Every time you are reminded that sharks need to be protected and are an important part of the fragile ecosystem and any other hippie crap, take a drink of Kombucha tea... that's spiked with Jaeger.
... Every time you hear someone with an Australian accent, pound a Foster's. It's Australian for Budweiser, mate! (Warning: three cases of Foster's might not be enough.)
... Every time you see a Whale Shark, kindly inform those in the room with you that a Whale Shark can reach lengths of more than 40 feet and weigh more than 36 tons; is the world's biggest fish; is the only member of the Rhincodon genus; and prefers the warm waters along the Equator. Wait for your friends to tell you to shut up and stop quoting Wikipedia, then drink.
... Every time they mention the movie Jaws, finish your beverage and scream, "We're going to need a bigger drink!"
... And finally, every time you see a shark, drink.
Feel free to suggest your own rules in the comments section, below.
Follow TV.com writer Tim Surette on Twitter: @TimAtTVDotCom