Is Two and a Half Men Killing Off Charlie?

... We all know Charlie Sheen won't be coming back to Two and a Half Men this fall, but we don't yet know how his character, Charlie Harper, will be written out of the show. According to TMZ, his exit may be some sort of Chuck Lorre wet dream. Rumor has it that Harper will be killed off, with the murder method of choice being Charlie driving his car off a cliff—thus ensuring that Sheen can never return to the show. Works for me. [TMZ]

... Tom Sizemore, that sex-taping, girlfriend-beating, drug-snorting, booze-hounding mess of a Hollywood legend, is joining the cast of Hawaii Five-0, where he'll play the head of the Internal Affairs department in a multi-episode arc planned for next season. It's nice to see show business give the guy a 32nd chance. [EW]

... True Blood returned its fourth season on Sunday, and the fervor for the show hasn't subsided. The premiere drew 5.4 million viewers, matching its series high and besting the show's Season 3 premiere by six percent. In related news, on Sunday, 5.4 million viewers screamed, in unison, "What the f**k is this sh*t?" from approximately 9:00pm to 9:08pm local time. [EW]

... Martin Short is returning to his comedy roots after an acclaimed dramatic stint on Damages. Short will play Marshall's boss on the CBS comedy How I Met Your Mother in a multi-episode arc starting this fall. Marshall's previous boss was played by Dave Foley, who couldn't reprise the role because he is contracted to be on CBS' upcoming comedy How to Be a Gentleman. But based on what we've seen of that show, he should be available about 30 minutes after its premiere. [Vulture]

... Can't get enough of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette? Then you have serious problems. Like really, really, really horrible problems. But at least you'll get plenty more fake love stories from ABC. The network is going forward with Bachelor Updates, which will see host Chris Harrison catch you up on the relationships of past Bachelor/ette couples. Spoiler alert! They're all still faking it! [EW]

... Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a new winner for News Item That Tim Least Cares About! Ed Begley Jr. will guest star on TNT's Rizzoli & Isles. [THR]

... Comedy Central has greenlighted two new sketch shows. The first, The Nick Show Kroll, stars Nick Kroll (The League, The Life and Times of Tim) and features characters such as the basketball ref who tries to hang out with players after the game and "The Ed Hardy Boyz," private detectives for the man behind those god-awful shirts. The second stars Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele doing sketches around a topic. Look for both series in 2012. [Deadline Hollywood]

Follow writer Tim Surette on Twitter: @TimAtTVDotCom

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