Jersey Shore: Aww Snooki Snooki Now

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I just don't know what to say about Jersey Shore this week. I'm going to keep this short. Like, really really short. You knw who the best person in the world is? Snooki.

Snooki is also known as Pickles, Snooks, Snickuhz, and, my personal favorite, Stinkbreath. Though Stinkbreath is sort of mean, considering how much I really adore the tiny weird orange creature. She's not human, that's for sure. But whatever she is, she is mostly fantastic. Who else do you know that is 4 foot 9 and does backflips while dancing at a nightclub in New Jersey? Like she was doing these weird full-on split-like backflips that were just unreal and so weird and JWoww was just like "J... Wow..." and was so entranced by them. Snooki is the strangest thing I've ever seen. Whatever planet she's from would be sort of fun to visit for a weekend. Just a ton of tiny orange creatures doing backflips all over the place and eating pickles.

Snooki's oddness is compounded by the fact that her mother is very normal. Yes, Snooki's mom came for a visit and, though she was wearing sort of a weird, revealing beach outfit, she otherwise drove a Volvo and acted normal. She must be as boggled by Snooki as the rest of us. Obviously the doctors switched out this woman's real human baby for the Snooki at the hospital. But, whatever, her mom still seems pretty into her, so that's good. They rode that chairlift thing and Snooki kicked her little legs and it was just so peculiar and whimsical and wonderful. Snooki brings rays of sunshine to this cold prickly world, very weird rays of sunshine, sunshine from another solar system, but it's still warm and cheery.

The Snooki lovefest that was this episode made it even sadder when the poor dear got clocked in the kisser. Yes, that famous thing from the promo reel. But they didn't actually show it. Which turned out to be a good thing. Anyway, the roommates and some of their coworkers were just having a nice chill evening at a bar/restaurant. It wasn't really chill by our standards, because they were doing tons of shots and stuff, but it wasn't a nightclub and they were just talking, so at least there's that. But then some fraternity ruffians had to show up and ruin it. They were wasted and started stealing the Shore kids' shots, and Snooki, brave little elf, couldn't abide that. So she yelled in the dude's face and he punched her and the place. went. nuts. With good reason! This uninvited asshole just ham-slammed a moon creature who is 4 foot 9 right in the kisser. That is unacceptable. All the dudes in the place jumped on him and, wow!, there was JWoww wailing on him too! Everyone was in it, defending the poor Snooki creature, who was weeping in a puddle on the ground at this point. It was not unlike the final battle scene at Hogwarts, with every creature from the magical realm rising up to defend the Boy Who Lived, or, in this case, the Creature That Snooki'd.

Dude got hauled off to the Jersey jail, which is like normal jail only there are more angry mobsters, and the Snooki creature cried its strange and mournful moon-cries on the floor and it was just so sad. I thought it was going to be funny when I saw the promo! But it was not funny, not at all. It was actually quite scary. This show is sort of intense, actually. It's the most aggressive reality show I've seen in a long time.

Speaking of aggressive, holy clams is The Situation the worst pick-up artist on the face of the planet. He's just unrelentingly awkward and insecure, purring at girls "Are you feelin' me? Are you feelin' me?" It's just brutal. He had a whole silly girl comedy thing going on this week, with two different groups of chickies showing up at the house and having to juggle them and, blergh. Pauly was really horrible about an unattractive girl, a sorta bitchy unattractive girl who probably felt truly wretched watching this episode last night. The poor, poor dear. Ah well. I guess that's what you get for going home with guys named DJ Pauly D and The Situation just so you can be on television. At one point The Situation kissed one of the girls, a sort of face-eating motion, and as they pulled apart he went "Mmmm" and I immediately died of vomiting, because The Situation might be the saddest, grossest 40-year-old of all time.

Sammi and Ronnie fought at the nightclurb, but then made up and made out. Ronnie looks like a dinosaur and Sammi looks like the hot babysitter who you had a hairy-palmed crush on when you were thirteen. But by the time you're 18 you're like, "Who? Oh, yeah. Hah." It's a weird couple in that it's not weird at all. It makes complete sense that they would continually mash into each other and it is also boring. Hopefully there will be an interesting breakup.

I told you I was keeping this short! I'm sorry I just haven't the energy. For reasons that will become clear early in the new year, my head is swimming with some stuff and I can't really concentrate. Sorry to disappoint. If I didn't have to recap this show on Fridays, you'd probably get my usual novel. But alas not today.

Remember the moon creatures! Remember and keep them, always in your heart.

And listen to their call on soft winter winds: Snookiiii. Snoookss.... Snickuhz......

Actually, I think that's my favorite one. Snickuhz. God bless America. And Moonland.

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