Well, after a universally panned foray to the land of their Italian roots, the Jersey Shore gang has returned to Seaside Heights, New Jersey, the boardwalk that started it all. Here now are five things to savor from last night's Season 5 premiere:
1. Vinnie's Haircut
The boys rushed out for haircuts, gym, and tanning in time for the first wet T-shirt contest. And Vinnie went a little less conservative than usual, having "a mixture between a mullet, a mohawk and a faux-hawk" shaved into his head. It looks good, so long as he doesn't go in a Puck-direction with it.
2. The Surprise Reunion
A party at Captain Hook's brought out all the relatives and friends of the cast for a teary, boozy reunion. Snooki was thrilled to have another shot of winning over the love of her life, Jionni. Vinnie cried tears of joy over seeing his mother after a long time apart. A big family reunion! Who doesn't love those?
3. The Unit
The first real confrontation came when The Sitch got up in Snooki's grill with Ryder and The Unit in tow -- the same two "witnesses" who were around the night Mike and Snooki did the smush. The Unit is a bad guy who threatened to tell Jionni about Snook's history with The Situation. Dialogue like this ensued:
The Unit: "She should be licking my asshole right now!"
Snooki: "Your name is The Unit."
Mike: "This is Hurricane Situation and it's headed straight for Snooki Island."
4. Gay Tendencies
As Mike and The Unit Axe-sprayed and moisturized themselves to oblivion, Mike couldn't help but admire The Unit's incredible physique. There was some strange, lingering mutual appreciation going on. Sammi couldn't help but notice the homoerotic undertones.
5. Vinnie's Funk
Vinnie and his new faux-hawk experienced a moment of crisis on the deck. The boys surrounded him, and he said: "My brain doesn't work for me no more. I can't think, I can't sleep. I can't function in this environment... I got nothing left to give, man. I want to go home."
And with that, credits rolled. The preview of next week showed Vinnie actually leaving the house. Could it be? It's all too sad to think the group is splintering into various factions, and that one member might be developing a... gasp... conscience.
That said, I think it's time to revisit my Jersey Shore Christmas Poem:
'Twas the month before Jersey, when all through the shack,
Not a creature was creepin', or even talked smack.
The laundry was folded and left on the stair,
In the hopes that sweet Snooki would not vomit there.
The juiced-up gorillas slept snug in their beds,
While Deena and J-WOWW stayed up and took meds.
Ronnie smooshed Sammi, while Sitch with his abs,
Was itching away at a fierce case of crabs.
When out on the roof there arose such a drama,
Two butt-faced grenades had returned from Club Karma!
Away to the deck Vinnie hit the jacuzzi,
To make sexy time with a wasted young floozy.
The moon on the face of the one they called "Pam,"
Suggested this girl just might be a man.
When what to Vin's wandering hands should he find,
But definitive proof, and two more proofs behind!
Leaping out of the hot tub, so lively and quick,
Vin curled into a ball, and thought he'd be sick.
This lifestyle was heinous, now five seasons in-
Getting tanked on tequila and gorging on sin!
"Bye Deena! And Snooki! Ciao, J-WOWW and Ronnie!
Farewell Situation and au revoir Pauly.
This goombah is off to the Island of Staten
Otherwise known as the Ass of Manhattan!"
Vin packed up his bag, and a cab he did whistle-
A few moments later, he was out like a missile.
But they heard him exclaim, as he peeled down the street,
"Have a fist pump for me, and beat up the beat!"
Did you tune in for Thursday's premiere? Is The Situation the sleaziest person alive? Is anyone still watching this show?
You've got a poet's soul lol
Never, ever watched it but will someone drop a bomb on New jersey! Do the world a favor!!!!
the Unit is the worse nickname you can get.
The only way I watch this show is through Beavis & Butt-Head. They at least make it slightly bearable.