Justified, Happy Endings, and Modern Family

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What to watch on Wednesday, May 4.

The last thing my Uncle Terry said to me before he fell off the catamaran into the open mouth of an Orca was this: "Watch more television." Well, I hope you're paying attention from Heaven, Uncle Terry, because tonight I am gonna make you proud!

9pm, CBS
Criminal Minds
These people all need a beach vacation, and that's the truth. Anyway, tonight everybody travels to North Carolina, where a pattern of similar murder victims suggests that the man the team has captured may not be the actual killer. This show gives your mom nightmares, you know.

9pm, CBS
Modern Family
It's a Mother's Day extravaganza, broad mockumentary style: Claire and Gloria have a disastrous day out, while Phil and Jay spend some quality awkward time preparing dinner.

10 & 10:30pm, ABC
Happy Endings
Here are two more back-to-back new episodes of the show ABC really ought to renew (don't do us like that, ABC!). Seriously, this show is terrific. Remember, Seinfeld and The Office weren't breakout ratings hits at first, and look how THOSE turned out. Are you listening, ABC? Okay, anyway, tonight Dave will help his ex with 'round-the-house chores just to spend time in his old apartment, plus Max gets frustrated when Brad tries to set him up with one of his coworkers despite the fact that the two have nothing in common.

SEASON 2 FINALE, 10pm, FX
Justified
I don't know about you, but Harlan seems like such a fun town. Just kidding, no it doesn't at all, it seems awful! Tonight Raylan finds himself in the midst of a full-on FEUD between Boyd and the Bennetts, plus he has to search for a missing person. Hopefully afterward he can take a beach vacation with the characters from Criminal Minds, because dang! Stressful!

SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, TLC
Spouse vs. House
Because I spent most of last Saturday avoiding the amazing Southern California weather in order to watch an Extreme Couponing marathon, I saw the ad for this show roughly 400 times. (Hey, TLC promo department: just the one ad? Twice every commercial break? Great work.) Anyway, the premise has potential: Wives get sent away while their husbands make all the creative decisions and do all the remodeling themselves. Then, in the big reveal, we witness as the wives smile politely, their eyes betraying at first disappointment, followed by deep sorrow, and finally an existential emptiness, as though they've stared into the abyss and saw only their own tombstones etched with the phrase, "Nothing Matters." And then the husband and the hunky carpenter high-five. (I'm guessing?)

PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...

American Idol, 8 p.m., Fox
Are We There Yet?, SEASON 2 FINALE, 8 & 8:30 p.m., TBS
Minute to Win It, 8 p.m., NBC
Survivor, 8 p.m., CBS The Middle, 8 p.m., ABC
Web Soup, 8 p.m., G4
Better With You, 8:30 p.m., ABC
America's Next Top Model, 9 p.m., CW
MythBusters, 9 p.m., Discovery
The Ultimate Fighter, 9 p.m., Spike
Breaking In, 9:30 p.m., Fox
Cougar Town, 9:30 p.m., ABC
Extreme Couponing, 9:30 p.m., TLC
Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior, 10 p.m., CBS
I'm Alive, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
Law & Order: SVU, 10 p.m., NBC
The Real World, 10 p.m., MTV
South Park, 10 p.m., Comedy Central
Top Chef Masters, 10 p.m., Bravo
Tyler Perry's House of Payne, 10 & 10:30 p.m., TBS,
Workaholics, 10:30 p.m., Comedy Central
The Electric Barbarellas, SERIES PREMIERE, 11 p.m., MTV

LATE-NITE PICKS:

Ellie Kemper on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12:00 a.m., ABC
Betty White on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
John Waters & Pauley Perrette on Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS
Chris Hemsworth on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Maggie Q on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:35 a.m., NBC
Sarah Vowell on Last Call with Carson Daly, 1:35 a.m., NBC
Melissa McCarthy on Chelsea Lately, 11:00 p.m., E!
Paul Walker on Lopez Tonight, 12:00 a.m., TBS




What are you watching tonight?

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