Live-blogging Hollywood's Grandest Back-patting, the Oscars!

It's the day that Anne Hathaway has been waiting for all her life! The 85th Annual Academy Awards, where one lucky movie will be able to change the accolade on its DVD box art from "Academy Award Best Picture Nominee" to "Winner of Best Picture." Where it's not about what's on the inside, but what's on the outside! Where dreams are made for winners, and losers are granted new fodder for their nightmares! Where the tears of celebrities who find themselves overwhelmed by emotion are collected in jars and used to power Michael Bay's car!

I'll be watching the ceremony right along with you, live-blogging the good and the bad in real-ish time. Because this is a live blog, please excuse the typos and incohesive thoughts. But first, let's start this off with a poll:

MacFarlane's Opening

A lot of people wondered why the Family Guy creator was chosen to host Hollywood's biggest night, but after this opening set of jokes, I think it's obvious: The Oscars have no idea what they are anymore. Seth didn't come out singing a big dancing number, opting instead for a standup set that called out Tommy Lee Jones' inability to do what he humans call "laughing," and then a video screen with William Shatner came down from the sky and the show went into this bit about Seth being the worst Oscars host ever. Maybe they're right, because it wasn't long before he made a gay joke and then got borderline racist by saying Denzel Washington was in The Nutty Professor movies and yikes, Seth! You couldn't grow up for one night? The guy sang a song about seeing celebrity boobs, for crying out loud.

And THEN he sang "The Way You Look Tonight" while Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron danced like that boring part from Singing in the Rain. Then there was another bit with Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, also dancing and singing, and at this point, everything stopped making sense. Absolutely bizarre! And therefore kind of amazing because of its terrible-ness? What am I watching? Are you guys seeing the same thing here? Was that 19 minutes of the weirdest Oscar opening ever?

Best Supporting Actor

That nice lady from The Help handed out the award to Christoph Waltz in Django Unchained, officially solidifying him as a big player in the world of Supporting Actors. But did you see Tommy Lee Jones' wig in Lincoln? If that thing doesn't get an award by the time this is over, tonight will have been a big waste of time. Also, Quentin Tarantino is looking more and more like a real-life caricature drawing of himself from 10 years ago. Was that a gypsy who drew him on Venice Beach, and did that gypsy throw in a curse on the side?

Best Animated Short Film, Best Animated Feature Film

Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy are genuinely funny people, so to see them come out and do a bit about character voices that was really just the two of them talking to each other was confusing. But to do a bit that had zero jokes with such confidence was truly inspiring to all actors who hope to be award presenters someday. Oh, Paperman won for Best Animated Short Film, and Brave won Best Animated Feature Film.

Oh hey, The Walking Dead is on right now. You should go watch that instead. Seriously.

Best Visual Effects, Cinematography

The men of The Avengers came out to give out this award, and when you see them on a stage wearing suits, you realize, "Hey these guys aren't that super at all! I could totally beat them up." Hollywood is all lies. Anyway, Future Legolas won the award for Best Cinematography for Life of Pi, and a bunch of dudes won Best Visual Effects for Life of Pi. And then the orchestra played a LOUD version of the Jaws theme to play them off. It was mean, but hey Visual Effects guys, YOU'RE VISUAL EFFECTS GUYS! Know your role in this delicate ecosystem: Stay behind the scenes and don't look Clooney in the eye.

Best Costume Design, Makeup and Hair Design

Now things are smokin'! Costume Design, y'all! Anna Koreninaniniaina wins! Les Miserables won for Makeup and Hairstyling because they got "freshly scalped whore" PERFECT. Is this thing over yet? The two ladies who won it were delightful, though, and let's give credit to them, they kept their speeches short to something like, "Thanks. Family." That's knowing your place. Take a lesson, Life of Pi jerks.

James Bond movies tribute

Hollywood celebrates 2,500 years of James Bond movies with a clip piece featuring moments from the Bond films (as if the annual Bond movie that's released each year wasn't enough), including Halle Berry jumping out of the water and sending lots of business to Beverly Hills plastic surgeons. Then Shirley Bassey came out and nearly ate the microphone while singing "Goldfinger." Sorry Adele! There's a new old queen in town!

Hey, Enlightened is on, East Coast! You should be watching that.

Best Live-Action Short Film, Best Documentary Short Subject

Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx hand out the Best Short Film award to Curfew. Best Documentary Short Subject went to Inocente and the woman who made the speech nervously mumbled like crazy! That was an authentic Hollywood moment, except it was just Documentary Short Subject so I'm not sure it counts.

Best Documentary Feature

Ben Affleck pulled an envelope out of his beard and gave an award to Searching for Sugar Man for Best Documentary. I actually saw this movie and can honestly say it's fantastic. And it's a feel-good story! Unlike all those others. Man, I think I lost three years of my life watching all those depressing clips. Lighten up, documentaries! Also, another Jaws musical play-off for long acceptance speeches. Rude.

Best Foreign Language Film

Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Garner gave Best Movie You Have to Read to Amour, representing Austria. The guy who made the speech was the least Hollywood person on stage so far and totally rocked it. He didn't care. He didn't care at all.

A tribute to musicals!

Bathroom break!

Technical Awards flashback

The Oscars' way of saying, "You do great work, nerds."

Best Sound Mixing, Best Sound Editing

Oh God, we knew it was coming and it was still terrible. Ted the foul-mouthed bear came out and asked where the orgy was while Mark Wahlberg played along and fulfilled his final commitment to that movie. Les Miserables won the award, and the guys who won were very proud. And Anne Hathaway looked like she was going to have a heart attack, her proudness was that intense. But Ted wasn't done being Ted, so he made the centuries-old "Jewish people run Hollywood" joke. I hate this bear. But holy crap guys, the Sound Editing award was a TIE because the Academy couldn't decide which long-haired blonde guy should win. I think Argo and Skyfall took something home.

Best Supporting Actress

Wow, the Oscars just got classed up when Christopher Plummer came out. This is the first smidge of respect the ceremony has had. If you don't love Christopher Plummer then you're dumb—fact. Anne Hathaway won, and started her speech with "It came true..." Now I think I understand why there's backlash against her. But I'll admit here that part of my wedding vows included "going to see Les Miserables" and she killed it in that bit. You know, the one where she sang? Anyway, we also went to the same college and I interviewed her and she was nice so I can't hate on her. Just me alone on that island, though.

Best Editing

Sandra Bullock (Miss Congeniality) came out and handed out the Best Editing award to Argo. She made a joke about a ham hock, which was probably the best ham-hock joke of the night. Nice one, Sandra! Then she tried to open up the envelope and it was difficult! I bet that asshole Ted pranked her.

Adele sings!

Oh like I'm going to say something bad about Adele. I'm smarter than that. She sang "Skyfall" and all the woodland creatures stopped what they were doing and just stared in awe.

Production Design

Kristen Stewart's case of debilitating constipation continued, as she still couldn't muster the strength to look like she gave a fuck. Thankfully, Daniel Radcliffe was chipper as the sun is hot. Stewart then threw the award at the guy who Production Designed Lincoln before he even got to the stage so she could get back to smoking cigarettes.

The Governor's Awards

Salma Hayek came out in the goldest neck brace ever and let everyone know that four guys won awards the other day for, let's say, "intangible" contributions to movies. One dude was honored for being really good at honoring others, seriously.

In Memoriam, or "Oh Right, That Guy Died This Year"

Look out Christopher Plummer, George Clooney is bringing some class to this joint, too! Seriously, we should put him in a time capsule or something because he's really the best thing about the human species. The reel itself was actually solid, not going for over-sentimental heart-tugging but preferring self-satisfied bravado thanks to a performance by Mecha Streisand singing "Memories," from her hit film The Memorizing. Just the way Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys wanted to be remembered.

Best Original Score, Best Original Song

Have you heard the score for Beasts of the Southern Wild? Well, it belonged here. Criminal! Out came the cast of Chicago (Richard Gere, Renee Zellweger, Catherine Zeta Jones, and Queen Latifah) and except for Latifah, it was smug overload! At least try to pretend you aren't better than us, guys! Ugh. Anyway, Life of Pi won best score. Adele's "Skyfall" won for best original song. Snooze. Adele even cries with a British accent.

Best Original Screenplay, Best Adapted Screenplay

Dustin Hoffman rode in on the back of Charlize Theron to hand out some writing awards, and this is the part of the broadcast where they just rush out awards because the timing is all jacked up. So let's quicken this up: Argo won for Best Adapted Screenplay and the guy looked like Stifler from American Pie. Quentin Tarantino won Best Original Screenplay for Django Unchained and was his typical Quentin self, signing off with a "Peace out" and looking redder than W.C. Field's nose. He also said this was the year of the writers, which we all know is bullshit, but nice try Quentin. Then there was a commercial for the Galaxy with Tim Burton, and I realized that he stole Bono's sunglasses.

Best Director

Michael Douglas and Jane Fonda handed out the Best Director award, which went to Ang Lee for Life of Pi. Ang Lee is ADORABLE. He thanked his agent because he felt like he had to, not because he wanted to. Ang Lee is METAL. Best Director for Life of Pi, I guess that means it's winning Best Picture?

Best Actress

That guy from The Artist handed out the award and by golly if he didn't do the best work with his teleprompter material! Maybe it was just his accent, but maybe he should host next year. The award went to Jennifer Lawrence for The Hunger Games Silver Linings Playbook, and she fell on the way up to the stage because her dress was like 100 Hollywood starlets wide. She's a charmer, this one; she was genuinely shocked that she won. Can she be my favorite actress even though I've never seen one of her movies? Can I do that?

Oscars 2013 Red Carpet Photos

Best Yeller

Meryl Streep is still a goddess among us Earth trash, and she gave the Best Actor award to Daniel Day-Lewis. Lewis has won so many of these awards that he used the time to crack wise, and said that he was supposed to play Margaret Thatcher and Streep was supposed to play Lincoln. Then he went earnest, thanking his fellow nominees, his woman, and the Lincoln crew, including Abraham Lincoln! He crushed that speech. You win, Daniel! YOU WIN!

Best Picture

Jack Nicholson and his funky glasses and goofy grin came out and tag-teamed the announcement of Best Picture with MICHELLE FRICKIN' OBAMA and her private Rope Brigade via FaceTime! It was weird, but Michelle is nothing short of amazing and I like to think that if things had gone differently, we would be dating and running a mom-and-pop hardware store. Anyway, Argo won, which meant that Bryan Cranston got to go up on stage at the Academy Awards. Yes! Take that, Lincoln. Then Seth MacFarlane and Kristin Chenoweth sang a song for the losers and the audience stampeded out the door so they wouldn't have to listen to it and I changed the channel PHEW. They may still be singing, I dunno. Thanks for watching the Oscars with me! Now go watch The Walking Dead!

Did you watch this year's Oscars? What'd you think?

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