Looking Back on True Blood Season 5... and Predicting Season 6!

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Just over a week has passed since True Blood ended its fifth season, and I'm still reeling over everything that went down. Let's pool our info so we don't spend all winter biting our nails. Okay? I need your help.

Oh, but before we talk about Season 6,we have to watch this BONUS SCENE FROM THE SEASON 5 FINALE.

Okay. Okay. Deep breaths.

Nora knows about Warlo, so clearly he is going to be the "big bad" next season (or you know, fairy depression, or Alcide's dad's mortgage payments, or vampire post offices, because this show will play upon your expectations like a guttersnipe plays three-card monte: with misdirects and cheats).

Anyhoo, Warlo as a "big bad" may go up against Bill next season in competing for Sookie, or maybe he'll even work with Bill to obtain Sookie? Guys, Bill is evil right now, or so we assume, but is there a chance Lillith's powers could somehow suddenly desert him, leaving a humbled, naked man with no sense of ethical moorings? Or will he just stomp around being a giant blood-covered A-hole for another TWO YEARS? Because: Guys, rumor has it (and this is such an unfounded rumor, okay? Somebody just, like, said it to me at a party, because all I do is talk about True Blood at all times. This next thing is speculative to the point where TV.Com is like "Oh bitch please, stop lying!" and I assume full responsibility if I’m wrong: ) True Blood's secretly been approved for two more seasons, so we've got 20 percent of the entire series to look forward to, turned over into the capable hands of Mark Hudis, a man responsible for such feel-good favorites as Cybill, That 70's Show and Nurse Jackie.

Let's just take off the gloves and discuss the books for a moment. I used to give spoiler alerts before discussing the books, but now things have gone so far off the rails I really question whether I should. Suffice it to say, if you don't want to hear book discussion and presumably spoilers, scroll down to the line of asterisks. Everybody else, keep reading:

In the books, Sookie vampire-marries Eric and finds out the fairies were responsible for slaying her parents, not a vampire. But Warlo has been confirmed by Nora mentioning his name (and we know from the finale that Nora has never run into fairies before, so there goes any "Warlo is part fairy" theory I may or may not have been secretly considering), and Hudis may not be as familiar with the book series as Ball, who vocally loved them and kept the seasons more or less in line with the major arcs of the books (right up until the fifth season).


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Also, Sookie no longer has a choice for a love interest except for Eric, if Eric is even interested. If Hudis even wants a romance, it's either Sookie & Eric or conjure up a new character, because Alcide has had been glamorized into being repulsed by Sookie, Sam is all up in that sweet, possibly dead Luna, and Bill is an angry god who will be listening to Ani DiFranco and appearing naked all next season. And Hoyt is out of town. Have I missed anyone?

Jason, according to that bonus clip above, is in highly anti-vampire psycho killer mode, but I have a feeling he'll get snapped out of that very quickly, like, by the second episode of Season 6.

Tara and Pam are very psyched about a future date. AS AM I. Will their romance sustain MAYBE two seasons' worth of True Blood's manic sexual energy? I doubt it. No one gets out of this mess unscathed, and as Alan Ball himself said to TV Line, "You have to throw a monkey-wrench into [relationships on this show], because to have people be happy is not that exciting."

Looking at the clip, Jessica managed to keep Jason calm in the elevator. If anyone deserves a happy ending, it's these two. I predict we'll spend the next two episodes with them as our Sam and Diane, all, "Will he stop hating vampires?" and "Will she want to suck other guys' necks?" and "Did we erase a man's brain because we couldn't keep our genitals in line?" until she finally just turns Jason. I mean, is there a happy ending if you don't become a vampire? Shouldn't Sookie WANT to be a vampire, and shouldn't we all if the other option is wrinkles + a cold grave?!

Moving on, Andy Bellefleur having a passel of fairy-smelling infants is clearly significant. Will they attract the pedophile, burnt-up vampire who was left as a loose end in the Authority shakedown? Will they simply be vampire bait in the unsettled, synthesized blood-free Season 6? Will Andy be forced to stake vampire after vampire while trying to boil bottles on his stove a la Mr. Mom? Will an attack on her babies mean Murella is compelled to lead her fairy family into a fairy-vampire war? What would end faster, me blowing a bubble-gum bubble or a fairy vampire war, since the fairies are about as effective as cellophane blackout curtains?

Even less effective: the werewolves. There will be some tweaking V-fiends running around.

Also, what 'bout our dear inbred rapey friends in Hotshot? Will the were-panthers make a return to the screen?

Finally, Steve Newlin is one of the only inner-circle Authority members who survived. Will he try to avenge Russell? Will he pursue Jason, throwing his hat alongside Jessica's, the werepanthers', and any number of small-town tramps in the "We Want Jason Stackhouse" ring? This could be a whole spin-off series really, and all the time Ryan Kwanten looks more and more drawn, like if someone would just put a grain of rice or any simple carb on his tongue he would BURST INTO TEARS. Is there any worse hell than having to look like you're 23 for seven years? I don't know.

Guys, Season 6 is anyone's game. Ball and ergo the books are out the window. Hudis could try and carve out a new niche, make the characters his own, or try to reset by reverting to the classic love triangle dynamic that made so many of our knees weak in Season 1. What are your predictions for Season 6? More importantly, what would you WANT to happen?

Oh and here's Ball saying thanks and talking up last week's finale like it was some big deal. OKAY IT TOTALLY WAS!


ANSWER ALL MY QUESTIONS:

– Steve Newlin: Out for blood?

– How long 'til Jason snaps out of his concussive homicidal inclinations?

– Will Sookie have a romance in a future season or is she just now a cipher for loneliness and alienation?

– Why would Nora know about Warlo?

– Will the werewolves ever do anything except unemployment?

– What's happenin' in Hotshot these days?

– Is Bill going to be evil forever or can his situation be diffused?

– Jason and Jessica: together at last?

– BOOK PEOPLE: What character from the books do you wish would make an appearance?

– Tara and Pam: Together forever?

– Are baby quadruplets vampire bait? Will they continue aging rapidly?

– Take a shot in the dark: What will happen next season?

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