Man vs. Wild Is Canceled; What Should Bear Grylls Do Next?

Extreme survivalist Bear Grylls has been unceremoniously dumped by Discovery Channel, reports, shortly after filming wrapped on the sixth season of his hit show, Man vs. Wild. It has something to do with a “continuing contractual dispute” between network and star, as Bear refuses to participate in “two unannounced projects” that he was allegedly contracted for. (Guess he failed to read that fine print stipulating his involvement in the Bear Grylls: Buried Alive in Cats by Crazy Hoarder Lady! one-off special Discovery had planned for sweeps week.)

In any case, there’s no reason to feel down, Mr. Grylls. I want you to step outside of that camel stomach you’ve been sleeping in since you heard the news, clean yourself up, and get right back on the job market. You are a hot property, and we’re going to help you find your next job.

Here are five suggestions you can pitch at your next meeting:

Mad Men vs. Wild: Bear dumps the cast of Mad Men in an uninhabited and hostile environment and abandons them there to fend off the elements and natural predators. Harry succumbs first, eaten by a badger. Joan outlasts everyone.

The Late Program with Bear Grylls Show: A late-night talk show broadcast live from a blue ice cave in Vatnajökull National Park, Iceland. Most guests will appear via satellite, save for the occasional in-studio visit from a celebrity snow bat.

Am I Hot or Not? with Bear Grylls: Bear Grylls just looks at people in bathing suits and decides if he wants to have sex with them.

Cooking with Your Own Urine: Bear hosts a Food Network culinary show with a strong focus on using sustainable, locally grown and harvested ingredients.

Bear Grylls’ Holepokers: Kind of like Mythbusters, in that Bear proves or disproves certain commonly held perceptions about life in the wild. (Example: Polar bears enjoy the flavor of human flesh: True or False?)

Post your own ideas for Bear in the comments!

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