The Bachelorette S09E01
No one will blame you if you are not particularly excited
about the new season of The Bachelorette or its titular heroine/victim, Desiree Hartsock.
Don’t get me wrong, Desiree seems great and she's undeniably stunning, and
certainly the series couldn’t find a more grateful recipient of a rent-free
month indoors, but her season hardly has the built-in fandom or monstrous
budget afforded to predecessor Emily Maynard (the series hastened to remind us that Desiree grew up so incredibly poor that the Malibu rental was a palace and
rollerblading around Venice Beach boardwalk was a day along the Riviera, but
did anyone else laugh when Desiree was touring the new Bachelorette house and
came across a desk with 2 tiny pads of paper from the drugstore, with no
pencils or pens to be seen? Stay busy, ho!).
Still, as I repeatedly reminded myself during the premiere to keep myself from flipping my laptop closed, the miracle of Bachelor/ette franchise is not that an aging catalog model will certainly fall in love with Desiree or that someone who volunteers to break up with 24 guys on camera will certainly fall in love in return, it’s that we, the viewers, will fall in love with our favorite couple and sincerely root for them and be devastated by their feelings and interactions despite starting the season with an almost sociopathic level of schadenfreude. Or at least, that’s how I start watching… every single time.
That having been said, for the first time I feel slightly uncertain that I will make the journey from sneering snarky series completionist to rapt adoring fan, because if Season 9's premiere is any indication, the casting director seriously fell asleep at the wheel assembling this latest man harem. Maybe it’s a new casting director? Guys, what is going on? Even Desiree, by the fourth limo or so, was glaring at Chris Harrison as though waiting for him to say “JUST KIDDING! We’d never let a date rapist slip through our vetting process. The real guys will be here in twenty minutes.”
Because how else do you explain some of the duds at the old Stud Ranch this go-round? Let’s take a closer look together at the season’s crop of fame-chasers, Bacheloretties!
***Note: I omitted a few guys as I simply didn't think they were memorable enough to comment on. Others I included even if they were voted off because they sufficiently earned their 15 minutes of fame by being nice/horrible/memorable. If I forgot one of your faves, feel free to comment on why he stuck out in your mind!***
ASPIRING DATE-RAPER GUY
ABC really put themselves in firing range of a lawsuit with
this creepster, who met Desiree with an invitation to a fantasy suite. At first
I felt bad for him, like Aww, he was going to try some cheesy move where the
“fantasy suite” would be him wanting to tell her about his fantasies of
starting a family who would Love the Lord or something. Nope. He straight-up found
a dark corner and threw together a makeshift palette, like an epic creepster.
Desiree drew the line and refused to follow him to his DIY rape room, and all of the
himbos stood around unsure of what to do except for Eric, the Chicago guy who
loves Greek mythology, who was the only guy who bothered standing up to Dahmer
Jr. Desiree gave him the old heave-ho not a moment too soon, and Chris Harrison
ran out demanding that a rose ceremony take place before one of the guys with legal
training could advise her she should just sue ABC and make off with those
On the other end of the spectrum, we have the guy who won
what used to be called the “first impression rose.” Guy had his son get out of
the limo and hand Desiree a flower, putting it all on the table that he was a
daddy first and a dude DTF second. When Desiree asked what had happened with
the mom (“Divorced? Widowed?”) he presented a puzzle I’m still trying to figure
out: “We were friends who had a baby. We’re still best friends.” Does this
happen outside of Jennifer Aniston movies? Someone please explain.
One of the most charismatic guys in the
bunch, although that’s not saying much, Edison over here claims to have
invented the concept of holding up a sign. He also threw his tie in the bushes
moments after meeting Desiree, evoking Jef Holm’s epic skateboard litter from
the last Bachelorette season. Predicting it now: He’s headed for top five if
not top three!
BACK TO THAT CHICAGO GUY WHO CARED ABOUT GREEK MYTHOLOGY A
Maybe my antipathy toward strangers high-fiving me in
public initially soured me on this dude, who spent his introduction video
high-fiving everybody who crossed his path on a busy Chicago street, but he won
me back by being the only guy with enough testosterone to read Desiree’s
distress and rescue her from the attempted date rapist. Well done, sir.
This guy seems way too genuine for this process. Top three?
Top three. If not, NEXT SEASON’S FUTURE BACHELOR?! Fingers crossed.
CHIPPENDALES HOUSE CALL
Guy. There is a huge social privilege given to the observers
over the observed when first impressions are being made, so wearing less
clothing to an event like this puts you at a unique and demeaning social
disadvantage. My heart went out to this orange man, who not only showed up
without a shirt on but jumped in a pool and literally got hung out to dry and then
later lay brokenly on the ground. Leading with his abs was a good-enough
instinct, but he should have brought a hoody to put on once he’d finished his
gimmicky hello. Poor guy. Also maybe a touch manic?
Hashtags are our
Usually just being a doctor is itself a panty-dropper,
and this guy was fairly symmetrical enough about the face, so why did he put out such heavy low self-esteem vibes? He spent the night fretting over the fact that he’d
torn Desiree’s dress and taking his glasses on and off. Dude, you work at an
ER, don’t even worry about it.
See, ER guy could have lead with his profession, but he was
too classy/self-deprecating. But McDreamy rolled in with a labcoat and might as
well have just held a sign with his tax bracket above his head.
Apart from being every community theater director’s wet
dream fantasy cast for Nathan Detroit in Guys and Dolls, this guy had tons of
confidence. And designs suits? Unfortunately he also does magic (-3000 points), yet still I kind of dug him. Will Desiree be into it enough to offer to bear
his young? As '50s Dad could tell you,
this whole game boils down to gene-shoppin’.
This guy wore a wacky mismatched suit on TV. Bet his frat is
At first I was like, who could possibly connect to a guy who makes the first moment you meet him a fake-out prank? Then I remembered
how Desiree had her acting-class friend show up at her door during Hometowns
and act out a whole skit with her in front of Sean, so maybe these two are
“I DON’T REALLY KNOW HER YET BUT SHE IS MY WIFE”
I like a guy who can commit to a stranger. Also did you see how Desiree's face lit up like a Christmas tree when she caught sight of that motorcycle?
I could not forget a name like Juan Pablo. I guess being a professional athlete does things for your confidence that make you not behave like an ass, because this guy was just straightforward classy and charismatic and attractive and Desiree wanted to eat it up with a spoon.
Oh, poor Diogo. That suit of armor had to weight at least fifty pounds and it looked so painful. Something tells me this is not going to be Diogo’s season. Sorry Diogo.
PENNIES FROM HELL
This guy looked pretty red in the face when he climbed up
into the fountain to to find Desiree’s penny and there were no coins to be found
whatsoever. OBVIOUSLY the production assistants got to keep all the change from
the fountains they cleaned out at the end of The Bachelor’s introductory
cocktail party. How else are they supposed to buy their 99 Cent Store toilet
paper? I worked as a PA for years and we scrapped like street urchins over any
freebie we could get our hands on, from bagels in the Craft Services area to
strips of masking tape.
Rhyming is greatly overrated in our society.
THAT ONE GUY WITH THE HAIR
His hair both challenged and confused me. But he was no attempted-date rapist, and for that he can be proud.
So who made the biggest impression on you? Who are your picks for final three? Will you continue slogging through this season or will you just hit up the finale?
... Did the show encourage Desiree to give out roses willy-nilly because it caused so much drama with Sean? Were the producers hoping for a fistfight or what?
... Which of these guys would you be most/least likely to yoke yourself to for life?
... Could ABC be sued for sexual harassment for letting that Date Rape-y guy through its doors?
... Best friends, both heterosexual, and you decide to have a baby together. Why aren't you a couple?