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MTV Movie Awards: NAILED IT!

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The 2011 MTV Movie Awards had it all: HOT celebrities, SICK musical guests, and tons of AWESOME awards given to VERY COOL movies. Move over, Teen Choice Awards! Take a hike, Kids' Choice Awards! Go fly a kite, Grandparents' Choice Awards (a.k.a. the OSCARS), we finally got an awesome awards show just for US and the cool movies that WE like. God bless MTV!!

Haha just kidding, this thing was AWFUL. It was the worst thing I've ever seen, and that's the truth. At least, I THINK it was the worst… I'm not even positive what exactly I even watched for two hours. The TV listings claimed it was the 2011 MTV Movie Awards, but it was actually just a montage of summer movie trailers occasionally interrupted by ads for Teen Wolf? The world is a horrible, confusing place sometimes, and it's never been more horrible or confusing than it was Sunday night on MTV between the hours of 9pm and 11pm. Fact.

I know what you're thinking. Believe me, I do. And yes, I suppose an argument CAN be made that the 2011 MTV Movie Awards wasn't really aimed at people like me. That is definitely an argument that can be made. That's what's so cool about arguments: People can make them at any time for any reason. Who cares? The fact is, I watched the 2011 MTV Movie Awards and it was kind of a nightmare. (Quick question: Can a nightmare be boring??)

Anyway, let's talk about it!

I learned a lot on Sunday. Not only about the state of modern teens and their moviegoing habits, but also about myself. The most depressing thing I learned is that apparently I don't like Jason Sudeikis anymore? Sorry. Don't shoot the messenger! I realize I also wrote the message, but now I'm just being a messenger. I don't want to get shot, is what I'm saying. Also, I'm saying Jason Sudeikis did a terrible job hosting this thing.

Nice try, MTV. Simply reminding us that Chelsea Handler ALSO did a terrible job last year doesn't mean we should be grateful for the reprieve.

The "comedy" started off confusingly with a sketch that I guess was supposed to parody The Hangover, except with Taylor Lautner as the missing bro. I straight-up did not understand the Osama Bin Laden joke pictured above. Jason Sudeikis was just chillin' up on the wall by Bin Laden's mansion, and also the Navy Seals had spray-painted graffiti on it? I'm really not sure what's going on here.

Anyway, back to the "sketch." First of all, Taylor Lautner is tiny. Absolutely tiny. Sure, he has the physique of a child bodybuilder, but that doesn't mean he's any taller than three apples high.

This guy from The Hangover showed up. Yet another handsome movie star trying to pretend he's taller than 5'5". I realize that Hollywood is the world's capital of illusions, but I guess it's also the world's capital of apple boxes? That all the men stand on? Nevermind.

My question is, if the MTV Movie Awards is trying so hard to set itself apart from all the other stodgy awards shows, then why did it copy the exact same format as the Oscars? Opening sketch filled with movie stars in which the host inserts himself into the nominated films? Awesome. Super original! At least the Oscar intro featured Alec Baldwin and James Franco in a leotard.

Is it too soon to talk about how sucky The Hangover Part II was? I guess it is. I'd better zip it. (Ask me later.)

This was a very believable scene in which Taylor Lautner lustfully watched Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis get it on in Black Swan. Sure, Taylor Lautner. Whatever you and your team say.

He looked sort of cross-eyed here. Team Jacob!!!

As a viewer, this whole thing just made me feel so stressed. Not as stressed as the button on Jason Sudeikis' suit though, am I right?! Haha. No but seriously I was really concerned about it popping off and murdering an innocent seat-filler. (Not any of the celebrities, though).

He told tons of topical jokes. This one about Justin Bieber made Selena Gomez hide her face. Plus, her homely friend was NOT happy. Seriously, ladies? It's not okay to poke a little fun at Selena Gomez's embarrassing P.R. romance? Get real.

Ladies and gentleman, the star of the show and one of the night's few bright spots: Emma Stone. This was her truly great deadpan stare when Jason Sudeikis made a Canadian-themed "Easy Eh" joke. Man, she is perfect.

Gary Busey was there. The kids LOVE Gary Busey. Right? I don't know, this felt kind of gross. Sure, he's sort of crazy. But it also seems like he kind of deserves more respect than being paraded around as an ironic punchline. Maybe I just love Point Break too much. Team Gary!!!

Mary Murphy was looking good. Just kidding, this was actually Amanda Bynes (I'm pretty sure). I don't know about you, but I'm getting super tired of trying to convince people she's the next big comedy actress when it's like she REFUSES to be in good movies anymore. That ship has sailed, I guess? Oh well. Have a nice life, Amanda Bynes!

If you like tons of sub-Leno monologue jokes about Arnold Schwarzenegger's affair, Jason Sudeikis really delivered! I really liked the joke where he said Bridesmaids got its title because those are the two types of women that Schwarzenegger sleeps with. It made so much sense. The premise was rock-solid and the execution breath-taking. Oh, Jason Sudeikis, what's happened to you? Or was this the REAL you all along??

Our first presenters, Mila Kunis (American Psycho 2) and Justin Timberlake (late '90s blonde perm) did some bit where they grabbed each other's genitals because they were close like brother and sister. Again, sometimes when it comes to comedy I need to actually understand what's going on. I just didn't understand much of anything during this whole show, especially this joke. But whatever! They have a new movie coming out! As did every single other presenter!

Um, there were some interstitial CGI animations for each category that were so unbelievably awful you wouldn't believe it. This one featured a rat doing naughty things to a woman (I'm guessing?) and was rendered in the world's worst '90s-era computer animation. We're talking sub-Hoodwinked quality. Just the worst.

In one of the night's most important recurring themes, Robert Pattinson was basically a charm-free jackass. It would be too easy to claim he was on drugs; it's probably more the case that he just sucks? Anyway, his stardom has always been weird. He's strikingly handsome in still photos (and his similarly static performances), but most of the time he looks like he has adult-onset Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Sorry, ladies, I know you set your biological clocks by Twilight release dates, but get real. This guy is the worst.

Finally, a celebrity who's NOT tiny! Dang, Elle Fanning! What you been eatin'?? Anyway, this was a very cool part of the show where the cast and crew of Super 8 came out to present… A TRAILER for Super 8! Oh, I see how it is, MTV Movie Awards, you old trickster. That being said, I enjoyed the trailer for Super 8 more than anything else on the whole show, so I can only be so mad, you know?

Josh Duhamel looked pretty stoked about it too. Even if the alien creature DID sort of resemble Fergie.

It made me laugh when the commercial ended and as we were going to the real commercial break (!) the Super 8 team was about to bounce, like "Our work is done here." Throughout the night, whenever we got these backstage glimpses, it always looked like the celebrity in question was leaving. I was so jealous!

Sorry Ladies, Part II: Ryan Gosling is not as attractive as you think. He was one of my first celebrity sightings here in L.A. and it was just after Breaker High or Young Hercules or whatever terrible thing he was doing pre-The Notebook and I saw him driving a blinged-out Escalade with a posse of buddies who all looked like Eminem, and he was talking on his Sidekick and cutting people off. I just don't like Ryan Gosling, is what I'm trying to say! This smugly unfunny routine he did with Steve Carell did nothing to change my opinion. Sorry! Ow! Ow! You are shooting the messenger!

Hey look who won Best Villain? The kid who plays Malfoy in the Harry Potter movies. Good for him. I mean, he kind of brushed it off like winning this was merely a trivial matter in his otherwise illustrious career (sure, guy). But he DID look slightly less inbred than he does in the movies, so congrats!.

Jim Carrey, comedy expert.

The Foo Fighters performed because it is 2011 and modern teens care very deeply about the Foo Fighters. Also they played a very intense, serious rock song because people love the Foo Fighters' serious side. Also Dave Grohl had been replaced by Andrew W.K.? I'm not sure, I was cleaning my glasses.

Haha, what's up Sway?? It's Sway, everybody! America's most charmingly belligerent news reporter (since 1995??) looked resplendent in his white suit and ho hat. He was backstage shouting about something or other. Who knows. It's Sway!!

Chris Evans was there, reminding everyone to hurry up and text in their votes for best picture. Oh, so THAT'S how this whole thing works. Perfect.

Some actually funny people showed up, looked vaguely embarrassed, then presented an award for "Most Jaw-Dropping Moment" to an absent Justin Bieber.

Except WHAT? Shock of all shocks, Justin Bieber made a surprise appearance! It was totally a surprise because only like ten seconds earlier Nick Swardson SAID Justin Bieber wasn't there. But then BOOM he WAS there! OMG you guyz. Justin Bieber really is just the hunkiest child in America.

Did you miss any of the dozens of Teen Wolf ads that appeared throughout the night? Yes? What about when the cast appeared onstage during the commercial break (?). On the west coast feed, this girl got cut off mid-sentence, so that was hilarious.

There was a 127 Hours-themed comedy bit (FINALLY).

The cast of Transformers 3 came out and presented THEIR trailer. Can't wait for this one! Just kidding, I can wait for this one. In fact, my patience for this one is at a zen-like level, as vast as the Sahara desert and deeper than the Mariana trench. Transformers 3, everybody!

I'm no Melissa Rivers, but I didn't understand anything people were wearing. Whatever happened to a nice button-down shirt and khakis? Penny loafers? Sweater vests? You know, the classics.

Sudeikis did a comedy bit on the piano. Those always go well! Just kidding, they never do, and this one definitely didn't. Never trust a comedian who either sits down at or picks up a musical instrument during his set. I'd give Zach Galifianakis a pass, but he needs to write an apology letter for The Hangover Part II. I KNOW he's ashamed of it, I just need him to admit it.

There was this bit where the dudes from Jackass had lasers for boners and Ryan Reynolds tried to say unsexy things to make them turn off. Lord, all I ask for is that things make sense! Nothing about this did, and the deafening crickets seemed to agree. Here was a highlight:

Yup, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart won Best Kiss, but it was Taylor Lautner who ended up the lucky gal.

I actually sorta felt bad for him here. This kiss was a joke for one of them and a terrifying moment of truth for the other. Yikes, I hope he'll be okay! Don't worry T, it gets better.

Oh, I forgot, there were TWO awesome Emmas. Much like Emma Stone, this one also looked totally out of place, being relatively cultured and educated. Stay in school, EW!

Haha, oh, Sway. He made another appearance, this time READING OUT LOUD texts that teenage girls had sent in. Classic Sway!

Haha, seriously? Just out for a jog, Lady Gaga? I laughed so hard at this.

Some people came out to pay tribute to Reese Witherspoon. Patrick Dempsey was fine, but Robert Pattinson just clowned around like an A-hole.

Except, whoops! It's clear MTV WANTED him to do that. Like they KNEW he'd drop the F-bomb and accuse Reese Witherspoon of having him cut out of Vanity Fair. I will give props to Chelsea Handler, though, who finally, for the first time in my life, made me laugh at something said by Chelsea Handler when she said, "This is the worst."

Reese seemed pretty cool with it all, I guess. She was a pretty good sport considering she's still young and they're giving her a lifetime achievement award or whatever. I think her career for the past ten years has been mostly garbage, but she's been in at least three amazing movies that I can think of. Especially…

FREEWAY!!! I was worried they'd try and scrub this off her CV, but nope, they included clips of it in her tribute montage. Dang, Freeway is THE BEST. I am going to go watch it RIGHT NOW.

Cool logo! Hopefully MTV will give Reese Witherspoon a copy of this image for her Myspace page.

I liked when Reese said that the three presenters were the "three most ridiculous people on planet Earth." Yeah, Patrick Dempsey is DEFINITELY that. P.S. What was this, a roast?

Nothing funny could come of a title card like this.

Sure enough! God, even Tyrese looked bored and he has basically nothing to do in his spare time. This made me laugh:

Mostly because of how well it summed up the entire night. MTV: "Nobody likes this? Then let's just fist-bump ourselves!"

Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel did a hilarious comedy bit where he would send her text messages from the cell phone in his butt. BUT THEN he accidentally defecated on the cell phone and couldn't send text messages anymore. Bad Teacher, coming soon to a theater near you.

A little girl won "Best Quote From a Movie" (i.e., Best Titled Category From An Awards Show — 2012 Awards Show Awards). She literally thanked her manager and God, in that order. Awesome. It's a baby celebrity! Later on Jason Sudeikis made a rehab joke about her, and Kathy Griffin probably threw a shoe at her television.

Nicki Minaj's backside was UNREAL. I mean, WHAT? Does NASA know about this?

That being said, Nicki Minaj is still the best. They didn't let her sing, but then again, they didn't really deserve it.

Kristen Stewart slurred and fidgeted her way through an acceptance speech, just barely containing her contempt for the award and her own fans for giving it to her. I'm guessing she threw it out her limo window later in the evening.

Then the cast of Monte Carlo came out to introduce Lupe Fiasco and Selena Gomez's first line made me laugh out loud: "An online fan said it best…" Wow, great intro! Also, what is up with Selena Gomez? She's super funny on her show, but then extremely serious in person? Good times, lady. Your charisma is magnetic!

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about Lupe Fiasco's weird Modest Mouse cover. It was fine. I liked the mohawk lady singing backup.

Never heard of it.

Jason Bateman and Charlie Day came out to join Jason Sudeikis for some weirdly desperate, nonsensical banter that went nowhere and did not even make me smile, let alone sell me on their new movie.

Luckily they gave an award to Emma Stone for being funny. I can get behind this! Emma Stone is great.

Then these three came back out and presented THEIR trailer. Breaking Dawn, everybody:

Haha, this trailer features one of my favorite classic movie elements, Concerned Wheelchair Dudes Yelling At Shirtless Running Dudes.

And for the final award of the night, Gary Busey rolled out in a bubble. It was fine. The audience didn't go nuts, and neither did he.

I DID laugh at the awkwardness with which he opened the envelope. Awkwardness was another major recurring theme throughout the night, whether it was unplanned silence after jokes, or just people looking confused. This show was RICH with those kinds of moments.

Ladies and gentlemen, your Best Movie of the Year… ECLIPSE! Haha, whatever you say, teens.

Don't quit your day job, guy. Cue the fire extinguisher jamboree!

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