I love me some Nashville. If you caught this week's episode, you were lucky enough to see one of the greatest out-of-control drunk performances in primetime history. Spurned by her con-artist manager/bed romp Dante, Juliette Barnes swirled around the drain in an incredibly entertaining self-destructive drinking binge in "Why Don't You Love Me?" (Cory's review is right here). Actress Hayden Panettiere waved her arms at Emmy voters, spending the entire episode with a drink in her hand doing boozy bicep curls and wobbling around like she was the only one on a boat on the high seas. It was beautiful.
The whole plot was so great that it's worth another look; thus, I've made some GIFs and images of Juliette's best moments. Grab a glass of paint thinner and let's review the drunken mess that was Juliette Barnes from this week's Sloshville!
As if to prepare us for the imbibe-a-thon Juliette was about to participate in, the Nashville team started her off innocently, with a healthy smoothie in the morning. But it was just nice visual preparation for the audience; a frothy pink symbol of just how far she would drink herself into stupidity by the end of the episode. However, we have no proof that it wasn't actually a strawberry daiquiri, the breakfast of drinking champions.
The life of a country music superstar sometimes involves being surrounded by bobbleheads of yourself, and Juliette's fear of dolls could only be defeated with champagne.
Juliette's assistant Emily woke up on the judgmental side of the bed that morning, and tried to be a total buzzkill. But Juliette would not let a Debbie Downer interrupt her quest to find inspiration through alcohol!
Since when is 11am too early to start drowning yourself in champers, Emily? What are you, a pilgrim? Juliette Barnes is a SUPERSTAR! What do we say to pesky assistants who give us the side eye for getting a five-hour headstart on happy hour? THIS:
It was the night of the CMA Award Nominees party, and guess what! Juliette got nominated! So guess what? It was time to do some dress shopping! Er, I mean drinking.
Juliette is a superstar of extraordinary magnitude, and SSes of ExMag always take limos. And if you aren't drinking straight vodka when you
are in a limo, you may as well be driving yourself like a loser. Again, MORE judgment from
Emily. Sheesh—get a life, you prude!
When they arrived at the event, Juliette had to have a conversation with her boring manager, so she really started going after it. This scene was amazing. Juliette was a machine, a series of pistons and pulleys made to tilt that head back and gulp like a naive freshman. If you were playing the Drink Along with Juliette Barnes Drinking Game during this scene, you are probably dead now. Here's a fun party trick of hers, an impression of a guinea pig drinking from its water bottle. It always makes her the life of the party!
And when she polished that glass of sauce down, it was immediately on to the next one, because THIS IS A PARTY NOT A STUDY HALL! Don't judge her, bridge!
By now Juliette was completely hammered, so of course she needed to go bother Deacon and Rayna during an important conversation. Rayna and Deacon WEREN'T taking advantage of being superstars because they were being BORING adults. Why even go to a CMA Award function if you aren't drinking enough to get flammable? This was great scene-stealing work by Panettiere. Watch her arms!
Juliette's 1,000 percent blood alcohol level forced Deacon to quit on the spot, so Juliette wobbled over to the roadies to find a replacement guitar player. No, she wasn't standing on a balance ball. She's a COUNTRY MUSIC ROCK STAR.
Avery agreed to play the axe for her, so with that problem solved, it was on to her big performance—and more importantly, it was time to solve the greatest problem of all: the problem of her not having a drink in her hand!
Cheers to you, pink elephant in the back of the room!
You can not sing songs about comparing buses to boys and telescopes without wettin' the whistle. This is country music, not that wussy gangster rap crap.
You'd think that being totally wasted and taking the stage for a very important performance would be a disaster, but Juliette ROCKED IT with an emotional performance of one of her stupid sappy songs for teens who've been dumped. She got extra oomph out of it by pretending she was serenading an empty 12-pack of Schlitz.
The performance was a smash, and Juliet was smashed! Avery got legally drunk just from tasting Juliette's breath when she congratulated him for not messing up. If you had Juliette and Avery getting romantically entangled after he became her roadie on your bingo card, congratulations, you are like everyone else in the universe.
Juliette was officially going downhill now, signaled by her feeling sorry for herself and babbling about no longer believing in fairy-tales. Poor Avery. There's nothing worse than being the guy who showed up two drinks too late and had to listen to sobbing and nonsense instead of reaping the rewards of a 100-pound blonde superstar who peed out all her inhibitions. His face said it all. Hers did too.
Juliette gracefully entered the limo:
But, no, she was NOT done! Buzzed from the performance and a dozen New Year's Eves' worth of bubbly, it was horny time, and Avery was the closest thing with man parts, so he got the personal invite to go home with her to watch her throw up and complain about her dad. He declined; she grabbed his face anyway and stuck her mouth in it.
And then there was an earthquake that only Juliette could feel!
Her night a rousing success, it was time for shut-eye. Goodnight, sweet princess!