NCIS, The Good Wife, and Marcel's Quantum Kitchen

What to watch on Tuesday, March 22.

Tuesday, more like SNOOZEDAY, am I right? No? Okay, I'm not right. It happens—I'm not perfect. But you know what's perfect? Tonight's TV schedule. It is VERY perfect:


8pm, CBS
NCIS
Tonight an investigation into the murder of a navy commander leads the gang to discover a "mysterious manuscript" involving highly classified military secrets. OR, you know, something a lot like that. Plus there'll be some techno-scored interludes with Pauley Perrette who I wouldn't mind seeing in something else already. True Blood? Chuck? Anything! When will you be rich enough, Pauley Perrette?

9pm, ABC
Best in Film: The Greatest Movies of Our Time
In this hard-hitting ABC undercover report, investigative journalists Tom Bergeron and Cynthia McFadden will delve deep into the psyche of the average American and uncover just WHAT our favorite films are. I'm guessing the oeuvre of Gaspar Noé will be overrepresented, but then again we live in frightening times.

10pm, CBS
The Good Wife
Tonight America Ferrera guest-stars as a woman facing deportation because of something Eli did. In a different plotline, a convicted killer profits from his crime by writing a hit song about it. Quick question: Huh? Answer: Tune in to find out!

SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, TruTV
Big Brian: The Fortune Seller
Meet Big Brian, estate salesman extraordinaire. His main job is to show up at your house and sell all of your worldly possessions in a single day, then smash the rest of them with a sledge hammer. If the promos are any indication, tonight's premiere episode will contain tons of shouting and pathos, which are definitely what Antiques Roadshow was always missing.

SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, SyFy
Marcel's Quantum Kitchen
I'm guessing this show was greenlit BEFORE Marcel participated on Top Chef All-Stars? Because whew! He was awful on that show. I mean, he seems pretty talented at cooking, but he is also VERY talented at having a garbage personality. That said, in tonight's premiere of his new "Syfy" show, Marcel will put up with a demanding party planner who hires him to cater an engagement party for high-school sweethearts. Then he'll be chased and eaten by a house cat. (Hopefully?)

SEASON PREMIERE, 10pm, Planet Green
The Fabulous Beekman Boys
This show is kind of like The Simple Life, but with marginally better educated, urban gay men. Tune in to watch Josh and Brent as they struggle to maintain their goat farm in upstate New York. Because if you don't, they may have some kind of withering, exasperated criticism of your decision.

PLUS ALL NEW EPISODES OF...

No Ordinary Family, 8 p.m., ABC
The Biggest Loser, 8 p.m., ABC
Destination Truth, 9 p.m., SyFy
Million Dollar Listing, 9 p.m., Bravo
NCIS: Los Angeles, 9 p.m., CBS
What Not To Wear, 9 p.m., TLC
Traffic Light, 9:30 p.m., Fox
Lights Out, 10 p.m., FX
Teen Mom 2, 10 p.m., MTV
The Real Housewives of Miami, 10 p.m., Bravo
Top Shot, 10 p.m., History Channel
My Life as Liz, 11 p.m., MTV

What are you watching tonight?

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