A healthy dose of sitcom slapstick offset New Girl's continued Adventures in Baby Angst with our host Cece and special guest Schmidt. Winston and Jess got some bonding time when they hatched a plan to install a secret bathtub on the roof for all of their bubbly aromatherapy needs. Nick and Schmidt (and Winston, out of guy loyalty) shot down the idea when first approached, with Schmidt refusing to even entertain the notion of soaking in “testicle tea.” I don’t know which concerns me more: the fact that Schmidt ISN’T all about soaking his delicate man-hide in some foofy all-natural milk and honey (but totally MANLY milk and honey) moisturizing product or the fact that his views on bathtubs are weirdly similar to those of the Honey Boo Boo clan.
Undeterred, Jess and Winston worked together to finance their dream and basked in the glow of their rooftop bathtub (Ya’ll paid $200 for THAT? Seriously?) for about five minutes before the legs fell off and the entire volume of water crashed through the roof, raining plaster and hose water all over Schmidt’s impressive suit collection...on the eve of his first big boy account manager gig, immediately after 50-Shades-of-Emma specifically told him to wear his best suit.
Clearly, the only thing Winston and Jess could possibly do to fix the situation was commit insurance fraud and they tried, oh how they tried, channeling their very best inner-meth-heads to ransack the apartment and make it look like a robbery. Despite their general ineptitude when it came to stealing things of actual value, Schmidt initially fell for the scheme and vowed to study the security feed in his room to determine who the thieving meth-heads were. Schmidt would have a security camera in his room; I’m actually surprised that Jess or Winston didn’t consider that. However, they both thought a secret rooftop bathtub was a brilliant idea, soooo....
Unfortunately, his terror over being found out by Schmidt sent Winston into a full-blown panic attack, complete with stripping (anybody else sensing a theme to this week's episode?). Jess tried to talk him down by hiding in the closet; she's claustrophobic and she wanted to show Winston that if she could stay calm in a situation that upset her, then HE could do it too... except the door jammed and she freaked out anyway and they had to call Remy the Landlord for a rescue. Winston's winded nakedness only served to give Remy the wrong idea. Awkward.
Undeterred by his woefully diminished wardrobe, Schmidt pushed ahead in his professional life and his personal life. Cece dumped Robbie and I would like to take the opportunity to thank New Girl for sparing us a drawn-out death in that regard, since the end of their relationship has been obvious and inevitable since Cece’s "nice girl" panic in “Menzies.” However, I’m not so sure that giving us what will probably be a drawn-out parade of arranged-marriage candidates via Cece’s mom is a better alternative, even if it IS too early to jump back on the Cece/Schmidt ship. I may not be a huge fan of how we’ve reached this baby-crazy storyline, but now that we’re here, I’m ready. You know that Overbearing Helicopter Parent Schmidt will be amazing, right? And certainly, the powers that be wouldn’t NOT give us the awesome hate-love that is Cece/Schmidt in the end, right? The arranged marriage thing is just an excuse to drag this story through the next ten or so episodes, right? RIGHT?
It was a bad week for Jess-and-Nick shippers too, I’m afraid. Olivia Munn guest-starred as Angie, a regular at the bar whom Nick had dubbed “Thirsty Mendelson” in his mind. Schmidt encouraged Nick to hit on the hot patron, but Nick protested, citing his rules for bartending: customers on one side of the bar, Nick on the other. A fight with her meathead boyfriend brought Angie and Nick together and while he seemed a little bit concerned about her career as a stripper, and again cited his “no crossing the bar” rule, she crossed it FOR him and he didn’t seem to mind. That’s pretty much Nick in a nutshell: The man doth protest too much, but once someone MAKES him do something fun, like make out with a stripper on top of the bar, he’s okay with it. I’m sure this will end as well as all of Nick’s relationships have.
Fresh from his vodka-fueled disaster of a date with Cece, Schmidt called off his hunt for the mysterious thieving meth-heads when Jess and Winston revealed that the robbers had returned his suits and even had them dry-cleaned. Did anyone else catch the Douchebag Jar tellingly empty on the table next to them?
– The joke that kept on giving: I kept forgetting about the lightning bolt on the back of Schmidt’s summer suit, so every time it showed up I giggled. Again.
– One-liner of the night: “She wanted me to taste the V! Wait, that sounds wrong.” —Schmidt
– I’m loving the Jess and Winston BFF-ness that we’ve been getting lately. Winston is a lot of fun when he’s actually a part of the story.
– A binder full of Schmidts. Is that similar to a binder full of women?
– Remy. Oh, Remy. He’s so eager. And creepy.
– Cece’s suitors: Do you think New Girl will go the awkward/awful route or the genetically gifted/highly desirable route?