New Girl "Virgins" Review: Real Sex

New Girl S02E23: "Virgins"

Virgins! Ah yes, we've all been one, know one, or are one and have the horror stories to match. New Girl returned tonight after another one of those pesky, too-long hiatuses with tales of sex-related trauma from our pals at the loft. Also life lessons. Also Fat Schmidt. 

He is my sunshine.


Jess told a meandering story in typical Jess fashion that started at prom night back at the dawn of the new millennium—aww, remember when that was a big deal?—and ended somewhere in her twenties with a sexy firefighter rescuing her from a plastic playground castle nestled next to a corpse before whisking her away to the land of carnal pleasures and street cred.

The road map of Jess's deflowering may have featured several detours and pit stops, but she eventually, uh, reached her destination, and like many of her roommates, her first experience—and everything it took to get there—has had an effect on her adult sex life. The back-and-forth with Nick takes on a whole new meaning! But seriously, if it's going to be four years before those two finally call each other B-friend and G-friend, we're going to have problems, New Girl


Cece banged Mick Jagger at her senior prom. I agree with the rest of the gang that her story has no place among their tales of horror and woe, but like the others, Cece still feels the ramifications of her first time. In a way, she's at a bit of a disadvantage in her current sex life, aware of what awesome sex should be and more than aware that probably won't get no satisfaction from the virginal Shevrang.


A delightful—and sort of disturbing—flashback to a trip to New York with Nick and his father (Hello, Papa Miller!) revealed that Winston's cherry was popped by a hooker named Mysteria. For years, Winston held onto the belief that Mysteria was not a hooker, and that his first experience was "beautiful," despite Nick's less-than-rosy view of the story, which featured a lady of the night of his very own named Octopussy, and also a crippling fear of being busted by the FBI. 

To this day, Winston swears that he can't perform under pressure, which seemed to be complicating issues with Daisy until he caught some Titanic on the TV screen—the movie that was on TV the night he and Mysteria hooked up. I'm not sure if that's creepy or sweet, but I'm leaning toward creepy... especially given Nick's account of the night.


Unlike Winston, Nick did not lose his virginity to his designated cherry-picker, which is actually right in line with the Nick we know and love today. After he revealed to his father that he didn't get with "Miss Octopussy," Nick's dad showed his supportive side and told his son that was fine. He'd hired the call girls because he didn't want Nick and Winston to miss out on anything, but if Nick didn't want to do it or didn't feel ready, he had no problem with that.

Nick wouldn't even kiss Jess until they were in the perfect situation to make it mean something. For all of his curmudgeonly, "manly man" hang-ups, Nick keeps proving that he's quite the sensitive guy, with a very developed sense of what makes a relationship good or bad. You kind of have to wonder how he managed to get himself into so many disastrous pairings prior to Jess, though I guess when you compare Late-'90s Nick to 2013 Nick and consider the hilarious mess that College Nick was in between, everything starts to make sense. 

At the funeral of Nick's father, we saw the rest of his family rely on him to do pretty much all of the hard stuff, and the implication was that Nick is/was "the responsible one." The shy, neurotic dude we saw politely (and kind of freaked-out-ed-ly) rejecting the advances of Octopussy reflected that, as did his admission to Jess that when he eventually did lose his virginity, it was relatively average. Everything about his story indicated that he put real thought into the experience, and that he respected the girl who shared it with him.

The stonerific love guru that was College Nick was a guy who'd just managed to get away from the stresses of his family and his con-artist dad, and who floundered with no idea what to do with his new freedom. Currently, Nick is in a sort of transitional period where he's finally starting to find a balance between the two. 


Schmidtty seems to be taking his first real steps toward getting over Cece by reconnecting with his college girlfriend, Elizabeth, and this week he revisited the horrific circumstances that surrounded their first time doin' it, not only with each other, but with anyone. Armed with an industrial-size jar of lube and the wise guidance of stoner Nick, Schmidt—who thought he had the room to himself for the night—invited his ladyfriend over to the Love Raft (so named because he fell overboard). Things got sloppy when he used too much of the slippery stuff, and he landed right smack on a shroom-tripping Nick who had finally, finally managed to wrench his magnetic arm away from the metal wall in an effort to escape bearing witness to his roommate's inaugural sexytimes. Yay, shrooms!

Schmidt's obsession with the lube—and later, as an adult, with the Archduke vibrator of terror—seemed to be symptomatic of the faltering self esteem we've seen him suffer from in the past. Despite his douchebaggy ways, Schmidt's combo platter of bravado and vanity is mostly a defense mechanism to hide some sincere self-worth issues. His brief offer to Elizabeth to exclude the Archduke from their undercover endeavors was a big step for Schmidt, but when she opted to invite the Duke to bed after all, the look on his face was clearly one of relief.

All in all, "Virgins" was a fun—and sticky, and oh, so slippery—trip down memory lane for our merry band of love gurus. Cece's cold feet definitely seemed to get a bit colder, though I'm sensing some +1 candidates in Elizabeth and Daisy... unless Cece's ban on Schmidt still stands. Also, how do Jess and Nick fit into the formula? Aren't they a thing yet?

What did you think of "Virgins"?


– The only thing missing from Jess's glorious circa-2000 prom look was an array of plastic butterfly hair clips.

– The best part about Nick being a "Daver" in college was how everybody booed it in present day. 

– "I'm sorry I didn't have sex with Miss Octopussy... but I think I really like drinking!" "Well that's great! That's a great start!" Parenting! 

– "Ruh-roh." At least they're not freaking out about it. Yet. 

– Was this a good move or a bad move for the Good Ship Nessy?

– Nice use of period-appropriate music with Lisa Loeb's "Stay (I Missed You)" and Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love to You."

– One-liner of the night goes to Fat Schmidt: "I got some lubricant. To use on a woman. To increase pleasure."

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