I really enjoyed last night's episode of Once Upon a Time, can I say? Very enjoyable and entertaining. The razzliest, the dazzliest! I gotta call something out, though: Storybrooke is a total nightmare and everyone in it is insane. Thank GOODNESS they are under self-imposed quarantine, or else our government would have to move fast to backhoe every last one of them into the ocean. How fast are these motherf**kers willing to form an angry mob? I guess that's just the fairy-tale-peasant instinct within, they'll be halfway through a game of Words With Friends and a glass of wine and suddenly someone yells something in the street and they dip a torch in the fireplace, haul out a rusty pitchfork, and jog on out there. Keep going right into a ravine, you idiots. In 28 years nothing about 'due process' sank in? Shame on you.
Also, King George/Storybrooke's premiere gynecologist took an ax to a man to unseat a local interim sheriff. That is some daaaaark shiznit. Well, someone has to wreak havoc now that Regina's just a chill babysitter. (OBVIOUSLY King George's Storybooke career is as a gynecologist, this guy magicked an IUD potion out of berries and whispers while he was still in FTL.) Even the good guy (there is only one) Henry is now slipping into an insane Freddy Krueger nightmare-scape. (Lawyer up, New Line!)
Anyway, nevermind Storybrooke: How fun was this episode? I love any movie about cults and "Child of the Moon" was all about Ruby joining her mom's crazy wolf cult. I basically fell in love with Ruby's mom, by the way. She gave transforming into a wolf a very witchy-woman Stevie-Nicks-feather-hair-extension vibe. Leather corsets, lace gauntles, an underground lair full of hot guys, what is this, Lost Boys? Ruby's mom may not have bothered much with trying to reclaim her daughter from Granny, but when you're busy with this life why would you bother ?
Ruby only made it through one group run and didn't even get to the big fun group orgy when Snow White came barging in, bringing sorrow behind her as surely as a cat brings a gritty little asshole. Snow I love you but you are such trouble. She was not even in the luxurious Stevie Nicks Wolf Palace for five minutes when the hottest guy there got killed by a stray arrow. For no reason. First Graham, then Gus BY AX, now this guy by arrow. Is OUaT allergic to hot guys? Is Ruby?
And by the way, re:Gus/Billy, this curse was an upgrade for basically everyone but Snow White. Gus—a dumb, obese mouse—became a handsome young man in FTL. Presumably there are other characters who were caribou, potato bugs, etc. They all owe Regina a thank-you note for rescuing them from a life of sleeping in a hollow log in the forest.
Also, the detail that everyone (David especially) was glossing over was that Ruby literally loses control when she becomes a wolf. She ATE HER HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND ON ACCIDENT. I was actually very impressed with how responsible she was being, reasonably trying to contain herself for her first full moon after the curse. David's feel-good nonsense about what a good person she was honestly didn't apply to the fact she had previously eaten BF Peter without realizing it. Bodies were DROPPING and David decided, rather than let Ruby shut herself in the library until they figured out why, to just ASSUME there was a serial killer loose.
In that sense, the villagers would have been absolutely right to elect a new sheriff via torches and night-marches, because David was acting a fool.
Of course by the end of the episode he was vindicated and also he was able to talk to a full-blown wolf (a.k.a. Meghan Ory crouched down in a greenscreen-colored sweatsuit and ski mask) with his heart or something. Guess Peter didn't nurture Red's self esteem quite the same way... so she ate him and his bones. Sucks to be you, Peter!
And about that, let's look at the facts: She ate her high-school BF rather than run off with him, she was excited/relieved about Belle offering a girl's night to save her from a date with a cute guy, she very sexily chained Belle up, and she killed her own mother to protect her bestie Snow. (That is so goth, by the way. Makeup explained!) So I am just going to assume Ruby's supernatural powers are a metaphor for her lesbian sexuality a la Gingersnaps. Look this show is just a stew of Disney properties and pop-culture fantasy anyway, so I say feel free to throw in a little spice of your own now and again.
P.S. Fans of Meghan Ory's sexuality in any form, though, I need to talk to you about a little series called:
VAMPIRE HIGH. Yes, Vampire High, available in its entirety on Netflix Instant, and which I am currently making my way through and loving to pieces.
Despite being filmed in 2001, this is a very proudly '90s high-school drama about a boarding school with a clique of vampire students in its basement. It's Netflix gold and it stars Ory as the Nina Dobrev of a very protean Twilight show.
She wears so many chokers and square-heeled shoes and spaghetti tanks and shiny trenchcoats and lives in a GIANT dorm room with a roommate who makes Steph from Full House seem like a chill stoner by comparison.
Not to go too far afield from OUaT but this series MUST BE SEEN.
It has the best credit sequence ever and it's culturally significant in how close it comes to a formula that would mean zeitgeist/runaway success for Buffy, Twilight, and the The Vampire Diaries just a few years later: a teen vampire falls deeply in love with a misfit teen girl—but, insanely, the show sets it up so he can never see her. In four episodes (I'm still working through it, guys) they've met once, briefly, IN HER DREAMS because very sensibly, the teachers at the school have separated the vampire and human student bodies under threat of expulsion. See, if they had mixed it up from day one, this sh*t would probably still be airing. SO CLOSE TO THE FORMULA! And SO Meghan Ory. Bask:
Where were we? Oh yes, OUaT: The evil gynecologist stole the crushed hat so now they can't use magical fairy diamond dust and make it a portal, but luckily they can possibly control Henry's dreams and perhaps pull the Disney Princesses I guess through his brain and into our world. I did like the connection that Henry has the sleeping curse and thus he and Aurora are in the same netherworld (pretty horrible that Aurora's soul spent 28 years on a disco floor in hell), and you know, whatever plot devices the writers need to unite the characters, I say sure. I don't care how you do it, just do it, because half a cast in each world is wearing thin on m'nerves.
So, to ratings:
PRODUCT PLACEMENT: Not much, unless they're going to be selling the Red Riding Hood in Disney stores. They did remind everyone about lovable Gus, though, before throwing his mangled body on the altar of plot development. One star.
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: Four out of five stars! We answered a big question about Ruby. I'd give this five out of five except Charming's insistence that she "trust herself" to the tune of possibly slaughtering the town made him seem particularly boneheaded.
RAZZLE DAZZLE/KEEPING ME ENTERTAINED: Five out of five! I loved the wolf cult and there was a ton of intriguing action and call me what you will but I loved the whole sequence of the CGI wolves boppin' about the forest:
ANNOYING REFERENCES TO BIGGER STORY: I'm giving this episode FIVE out of five stars for keeping things going this episode without any witchy hints at a larger unifying logic. Diamonds because magic, the portal hat got stolen by sleight of hand, the sleeping curse having a netherworld seemed like a fair-enough explanation to me. This is how it should work: Things happen for a reasonable albeit magical explanation, no huge question marks. Well done!
FINAL SCORE: FIFTEEN STARS OUT OF TWENTY! Holy moly that's high.
But what did YOU think?
1. Why does this show keep killing off hot guys?
2. Had you heard of Vampire High?
3. Is Belle still getting her outfits from the library's lost and found?
4. Has Regina basically become a "good" character?
5. Do you like when this show goes dark or was Ruby accidentally killing her own mom kind of harsh?