With several new characters slated to appear on Once Upon a Time in the next few weeks, and knowing that the show has the entire catalog of Disney properties at its fingertips, it's almost impossible not to speculate about which beloved characters will pop up next. What horrible modern ruts will they be stuck in, how will their happy endings have been destroyed, and, most importantly, who will play them? Here are some suggestions; ABC casting directors, feel free to take notes.
Ariel from The Little Mermaid
STORYLINE: If Ariel has had her happy ending reversed, as Cinderella did in "The Price of Gold," then she probably doesn't have her voice anymore. And since Maine is one of the few places in New England where people actually surf, I'd love to see Ariel on a longboard as a surfin' mute in a wetsuit, lifeguarding the rocky Maine coast, possibly saving Henry from a riptide in an upcoming episode.
CASTING: Teen Wolf actress Holland Roden would be an amazing Ariel. It's not just the red hair; Holland's got an expressive face, which is important when you're playing a sulky mute. Also, tell me Ian Somerhalder isn't a perfect face match for Prince Eric. You can't, 'cause he is, case closed, roll film.
Aurora from Sleeping Beauty
STORYLINE: Who better to help "John Doe" recover his memory than a sleep regression therapist? Sleeping Beauty could guide him while he lay slumbering in a trance-like state until he remembers his fairytale past.
CASTING: Now that Lizzy Kaplan has dyed her hair blonde, she actually bears a striking resemblance to cartoon Aurora. Plus she's hot like tamales and smart like Einstein. Put her on my screen!
Peter Pan and Tinkerbell from Peter Pan
STORYLINE: I see Storybrooke's Peter Pan as the head of some troubled boys' gang, repeating his sophomore year of high school for the second time, sneaking in through his girlfriend's bedroom window, and constantly manipulating his hook-handed foster dad. Tinkerbell? His frustrated but loving case worker.
CASTING: You mean besides this guy? Sterling Knight seems like an obvious choice for Peter Pan. And there's a reason Kristen Bell and Tinkerbell have the same last name. That's right, I'm calling it out: You're a fairy, Kristen! Wear it loud, wear it proud. Come out of the elf closet and start openly drinking from your acorn cups and fluttering past the rush-hour traffic.
Alice from Alice in Wonderland
STORYLINE: Alice in Wonderland is about drugs, right? Come on, let's be real. Tell the kids to go into the other room for a few minutes. Mushrooms, hookahs? We know what's up. I see the modern Alice as a girl locked up in an insane asylum/rehab facility by Regina after kind of losing her mind due to heavy drug use.
CASTING: My first pick is Juno Temple, as she certainly is familiar with playing the wrongfully institutionalized after
her turn in getting roped into attending the premiere of the atrocious Sucker Punch. Also, real British accent: HOLLA! But if she's too busy being in the next Batman movie, then Taylor Momsen, because: look at her. She probably has an entire yearbook full of ex-boyfriends carved into those arms.
Princess Tiana from The Princess and the Frog
STORYLINE: They could just pick up the storyline from Disney's The Princess and the Frog, but minus Prince Naveen. Tiana is running her restaurant in Maine, and has taken out a small business loan from Rumpelstiltskin, putting her under his power.
CASTING: If you love America's Next Top Model like I do, then you were absolutely floored to see one-time contestant Yaya Dacosta in The Kids are Alright. Much like Tiana, her face is pretty much perfect and she's gotten to where she is through sheer hustle. I want to see her on her way to becoming America's Next Top Fairytale Character.
Tarzan from Tarzan
CASTING: Taylor Kitsch should make regular appearances as Tarzan. Right, ladies? Tarzan isn't a fairytale, per se, but I see no reason why that should prevent the titular character from appearing as a feral man who runs through the streets naked occasionally. Frequently. Constantly.
Rapunzel from Tangled
STORYLINE: I see her as a very sheltered, home-schooled girl whose mom is basically in a cult and makes her wear long prairie dresses and French-braided hair... until Emma intervenes, gets her a real job alongside Red Riding Hood, and her new goth friend Red shaves her hair off like an Empire Records bestie.
CASTING: Blake Lively could get a day off and film this, right? They could use a head double for the shaving scene.
Aladdin and the Genie from Aladdin
STORYLINE: So, to shamelessly build on my own fan fiction, let's say Aladdin is a member of Peter Pan's gang who's gone rogue and gotten into more and more serious thievery. The Genie could be played by a giant, blue, cloudy CGI figure in the fairytale storyline, but the real-world character would probably fit in best as a club promoter. He'd be promising drinks, comps, candy, cuties, and anything else anyone could want to his VIPs, all the while paying huge kickbacks to Rumpelstiltskin.
CASTING: Ricky Ullman would make a stunning young Aladdin. With his lopsided grin, he'd come off like a kindhearted scamp even while prying the radio out of your car. The Genie is harder—I wouldn't want to see some sad Robin Williams impersonator, but we would need someone who is truly hilarious and brings that special energy to the character. For my money, the most energetic comic personality of our day is Katt Williams. If he's busy, put a call out to Jack Black or Danny McBride.
Who did we leave out? Who would you cast differently? How would YOU want to see these characters portrayed? And who do you want to see most on Once Upon A Time?