Guys, I'm going to level with you: I am kind of delirious with what I think is the flu and simple exhaustion this week, however as loyal fans of OUaT know, that sort of stuff only enhances the viewing experience as this show is essentially a fever dream. So I'm going to restate point by point what I saw last night and please let me know in comments if the giant half-naked Ogre breathing on Emma was just a product of cough syrup and elevated body temperature:
– Cora was a real sly-boots in the hole where Emma and Snow found themselves in Fairy-Tale World. She immediately started putting herself at arm's length from Regina; luckily Snow woke up and told Emma not to trust a word coming out of her mouth. (So much sense. So many good choices. Thank you, Snow.)
– Into this mélange of Disney fairy tales Lancelot has stepped, a figure from the tales of King Arthur which not only have extremely religious subtexts but are incredibly grisly and weirdly reflect a kind of folk oral history of an actual British ruler. So holy wars are now sitting alongside dwarves popping out eggs, guys, just FYI.
– Emma tucked into a roasted platter of CHIMERA. Do you think it tasted like corned beef hash?
– Mulan was described as the bravest warrior, by Lancelot—note he did not say the most effective, because let's face it she looks like a 98-pound yoga instructor. With Rufio hair. No offense, girl, I like the hair it's cute, it's just a lot of effort for someone who is camping 24/7 and a soldier.
– Aurora swore vengeance for the death of her Prince, but we all knew she was mostly angry about getting kicked in the crotch. That's right, Aurora is a cold-blooded killer now. When Emma, Snow, and Mulan headed out of the camp on their adventure, you could see her mean-mugging them.
– King George only got that one garment back in the day, which was a crinkly dress with a heart-shaped neckline. In an incredibly dark turn, he tricked Snow into drinking a potion that STERILIZED HER.
– Anyone watching this show who can't have kids, apparently you are in for a world of grief, according to OUaT, because fostering/adoption are clearly not options either according to the show's logic and family is everything. Seriously yikes.
– Jefferson, who until now had eagerly stalked his daughter for the last 28 years, has decided not to reach out to her now that she's looking at him. He could just be offended by the portraits of him she's drawn. Seriously though this is incredibly inconsistent with everything we know about Jefferson.
– Henry is an adept emotional manipulator who not only has the ability to just talk Jefferson into becoming a dad again, but knows how to press all the buttons on mom Regina to fetch her keys and rifle through her Magical Crypt.
– Sometimes people's necks get snapped in fairy tales.
– Snow White had the most awkward meeting with her mother-in-law possible. "Hi, what a lovely blouse that's pinned to your chest by that arrow" Awwwwkwwwwaaaaard.
– Sleeping Beauty attempted to murder Snow in cold blood in a field, and is officially an asshole.
– After being told ogres hunt through sound, Emma fired a gun to keep Snow and Sleeping Beauty from fighting, then preceded to trip over a ram skull and then kind of hang out to check and see what ogres looks like. They dress in very skimpy clothes.
– Mary Margaret truly is no more and Snow White is an admirable badass. She killed an ogre to protect Emma with a perfect arrow through the eye.
– Snow's increasingly nightmarish smalltalk with her mother-in-law led to a reveal that Charming is a bit of a chauvinist and his mom trafficks with gypsies. Snow revealed that her womb is a dried-up tamale husk because of the wicked curse of a man dressed up like Miss Minchin from A Little Princess.
– Everyone hates Aurora, who was chilly despite being bundled up in a bedsheet. In a moment of butch chivalry, Emma gave Sleeping Beaty her leather jacket. Is it the L-word guys? I would be kind of very into that.
– Because their lives are extremely sad (as was this episode), Charming and Snow rushed to get married before his mother passed away, propping his mom up for a good view before setting up a quick flowered arch for what had to be the saddest wedding ceremony ever. I can't even take it. Their lives are so infinitely terrible, like if a mirror of sorrow was set up across from a mirror of agony. Also as anyone who has attempted to assemble an arch like that in real life knows, those things are very hard to put together and Charming and Snow were really trifling with the woman's shelf life. Also, isn't it excruciatingly painful to have an arrow through your chest?
– Lancelot coyly mentioned the legend of a "cup" which was a reference to THE HOLY GRAIL. Snow White and Charming were nodding along like "Yup, Holy Grail, the Crusades, fairy dust, it's all a rich tapestry." Meanwhile, a thousand folklore professors in countries around the globe collapsed in apoplectic fits.
– I didn't realize when I thought the deathbed wedding ceremony was sad it was basically as joyful as eating an ice cream cone while flying down a waterslide compared to watching Snow walk Emma through the wrecked nursery and listening to her wistfully describe the childhood she had planned that both of them were robbed of. Snow was like< "I never got to dress you for your first ball" and Emma was like "I hijacked limos outside my senior prom."
– Uh-oh! Cora has all her powers and has been masquerading as Lancelot so she could find a portal into Our World and really give Regina a talking-to. Or kill Henry. Or start a successful cosmetics company. The world would literally be her oyster.
– Emma BURNED DOWN THE PORTAL with bullet powder because of course she did.
– Emma confessed she isn't used to people putting her first, Snow held her close and told her to get used to it, and just when I thought all my tears were spent Snow saw the nursery as it could have been. What's especially sad about this is that Emma is just such a broken person in so many respects. It's not just never getting to cuddle your baby, play with your kid, share memories with your teen. It's like someone stole Snow's puppy and then beat it with a tire iron and now she's got this angry dog snapping at her at every turn. I know that's a huge point in the series but this show made it painfully clear how terrible the curse truly was. Upside, though: Snow is still physically the same as she was 28 years ago and she and Charming should probably just have another baby. When they get into the same dimension together.
– Snow was elected leader of the band of Disney Princesses. She's already got the Joan of Arc hair, take note, Mulan.
– Cora snapped up some portal ashes. The "Bwahaha!" sound effect my have just been in my mind.
– In another emotional sucker punch, Jefferson scooped his daughter up in a hug and the actor showed an incredible amount of control over his eyes. Seriously the eye-acting here was incredible and he should get contacts with tiny gold Oscars put in so that his eyes will look like they're carrying around trophies.Just a thought.
– Charming and Henry had a sword fight through the streets, even though you'd think they would've been better off in a park, but whatever, and they were seen by...
– KING GEORGE LIVES!! And he's found a suit, bless his heart. How long 'til he de-fertilizes Charming?!
– That all happened, right?
– Does Cora just want into the "real world" to smack Regina around?
– Round table + fairy tales: a comfortable fit or two different genres?
– Did you tear up while watching this episode?