Once Upon a Time: Sonny-Side Up

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Once Upon a Time S01E19: "The Return"

The best laid plans, am I right Regina? Yeah, I'm referring to the old adage that dictates "the best laid plans of mice and witches do often go astray." Once Upon a Time is counting down the next three ALL. NEW. EPISODES. with a the completely swaggering implication that it's "COMING APART AT THE SEAMS! All will be revealed!" I couldn't be more excited...and yet at the same time, last night raised a hell of a lot more questions than it answered. I'm still a little ruffled over the August thing. Remember how we were all sure he was the Rumpelstiltskin's son? Man, they played us, starting with him throwing himself out of bed...

I hope they got that on the first take, because that actor threw himself across the room!! Do you think he and his acting guru went over movement a bunch before that happened or did he just go off an adrenaline burst? I love people who put in tons of effort. Anyway, they then insinuated that this was an old injury Rumpelstiltskin's Wee Boy sustained while darting around a donkey carriage, forcing his glittery/evil father to come on out and kill the donkey driver.

I love how turning evil means your hair goes crimpy. The body glitter is forgivable, the giant contacts are whatever, but someone sitting down with Robert freakin' Carlyle and crimping his hair? To be a fly in that make up trailer.

Also loved the villagers' reactions to Rumple turning the man into a snail and stomping on him. They were not surprised AT ALL, kind of like, "Yep, that was a bad one." How many tubby men had Rumple slaughtered since leading the army of children off the battlefield?! Rumple would also kill this bitch off-screen before the end of the show:

He also let his own stylishly coiffed son slide into a swirly green vortex (similar to the one that appeared in the magic hatter's hat). Cowardly indeed.

But I still cried like my pony had been stolen when he wrapped his arms around August at the end and embraced him as his "beautiful boy!" Whether he was just saying "boy" with a Scottish accent or the kids name is Baylord is immaterial: It was beautiful.

Well, beautiful LIES apparently, because as soon as August got his hands on the curly knife, he tried to compel his Rumple to do his bidding, which threw both me and Robert Carlyle into a rage because we had been PLAYED. All seventy pounds of Robert Carlyle came at August like a flying squirrel, and August looked as threatened as if he were being attacked by one of those novelty sized helium birthday balloons.

You can't threaten a dying man, and August is going to die unless the Savior (Emma, heaven help us) starts believing in the curse or magic or fairies by a certain undisclosed time. Do you think the characters will pull a Peter Pan and make us clap for our TVs if we believe in fairies/August/Once Upon a Time? Maybe he's Tinkerbell's son, Tinkerbeau. When you look at last night's episode through the prism of next week's promo (and I always do, the "next on Once Upon a Time teasers" are the most important 30 seconds of my night), next week's episode apparently features a crying man pulling a puppet out of a gushing stream and cradling it (BWAAAA HAHAHAHA). Let's break that down:

1. We already have a Geppetto character, the elderly smiling man who tags around with Jiminy.

2. Is August a puppet made by Geppetto, and thus his son?

3. So Geppetto was possibly sterile?

I just feel like if someone pulled down August's pants this episode, they would see shivery little wooden puppet legs with joints at the knees. Isn't that what OUaT is insinuating, or should I check the expiration dates on my yogurt because that is crazy talk?

Luckily for August, it probably won't take much to convince Emma, she is on a roll these days. She lost her ponytail holder but her extensions are looking fresh and last night she had several decent-colored dress shirts tucked into her jeggings. And she met Sidney at Granny's and slammed down his flower-vase bug on the table!

The next thing she should have slammed down was her badge, but instead she asked Sidney—who has spent the last few weeks laughing in her face—to give her some key information. Emma, he burned you; don't hand him a lit cigarette, pull up your sleeves, hold out your wrists, and say, "Don't burn these!" Stop allowing him to lie to you, don't quiz him on his romantic life, just go back to the station and figure out a warrant for his arrest.

Or throw the lamest party I've ever seen, whatever. Snow was all shocked at how many people turned out. Like, the four middle-aged guys gathered around the Cheetos and that one old bitch who called you a ho? Girl, Regina did a NUMBER on you. But she was exactly right to keep David at arm's length, though saying it was like "dark forces" wanted to keep them apart seems like a rather vague term for what has actually been keeping them apart: his horrible behavior.

Ugh, what a creeper. Sneaking up and kissing his estranged, runaway wife on the forehead while she's trying to sleep? Don't sneak up on someone who's been abducted, you weirdo. Then he gave her this smarmy grin and was like, "You're kind of amazing." (?!?!)

No one can ever use that phrase ever again. Even if you were using it as an ironic throwback phrase at this point: Cut it out. David is so gross. She handled telling him to get the hell out of there pretty gracefully, but seriously, how are the writers going to endear me to his Storybrooke incarnation again after he's been such a buffoon? I really don't know what it would take to get me to approve of him when he's not dressed up in his bodkin and tights. They may have to organize another cliff-save, like when he pulled Mary-Margaret back from an abyss that stretched down to the center of the earth. That would help.

But that does not detract in any way shape or form from how excellent last night's episode was. Regina asked Rumple in the beginning why he helped her with the curse if he was going to fight against her, and this episode gave us a satisfactory answer to that question: He wanted to get his Wee Beigh back. The fact that Emma called Regina a straight-up sociopath and told her she was going to take Henry back is huge—HUGE. Like, she should have said it in the second episode but I respect that the show finally hit that important milestone last night. And I loved the way they talked about the two worlds. Our world is without magic, but in the other, magic—dark and positive—is all around them.

And here is where I'm going to do a little crazy rant, so bear with me, but I'd argue there is magic APLENTY in this world, and I don't mean the laughter of children. I'm talking about science. All the incredible thing that happen around us—biochemical exchanges and electrical phenomena—once we explain them, they are science, but until they are explained they fit every criteria of what could be called magic. Physicists don't yet understand why there are negative and positive charges, and the fact there are two charges and they oppose each other is what essentially keeps the stars apart. And while one day they will no-doubt explain it, the explanation doesn't stop it from being incredible that there's such a natural symmetry and poetry to our existence. Is all I'm saying. /Crazy rant.

So yeah, awesome episode, I'm still kind of miffed the whole thing was spent jerking me around about August, but Carlyle's acting was worth it, and putting a clock on Emma having to "wake up," as it were (a.k.a. before August collapses in the street and shrivels into a Howdy Doody doll) is simply genius. Cannot wait for the next episode and I cannot WAIT to hear what you thought of this one.


– What is August and who was he on the phone with?

– Will we ever meet/have we met Rumple's son yet?

– What would David have to do to get back in your/Mary-Margaret's good graces?

– How good are Emma's chances of getting Henry back in a court of law? Lawyers in the house, holla at me!

– There's no magic in this world, yet Regina can access those hearts and squeeze them, so how is Regina pulling it off?

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