Oscars 2012: A Fond Farewell to Movies (PHOTO RECAP)

Well, it was fun while it lasted! Movies sure were great, weren't they? Man, for a while there, we really had a good thing going: Any time we had a couple of hours to spare we could just watch a movie. But now we can't. Movies passed away. R.I.P. Movies!

To mark the sad occasion, this year's Oscar ceremony was less an awards show than it was three-hour "In Memoriam" tribute segment in which celebrities helped us remember the good times when movies were still alive and well, before they were murdered by Chinese pirates and YouTube videos. Forget the fact that the film industry continues to generate billions of dollars in profits each year, if you watched this year's Oscars for any five-minute stretch, chances are you witnessed a sad and defensive group of millionaires openly lamenting the fact that they will not increase their billion-dollar profits by as much as they'd hoped. Tough times! Sad times.

But let's not get too down about how the movies died. The movies would not want us to grieve too much, no, the movies wouldn't want that at all. Instead, let's deal with the tragedy that was the 2012 Oscars in the most productive way possible: via screengrabs and snap judgments!

So first off, Morgan Freeman came out and his soothing voice immediately put me in my safe place, you know? Maybe the whole Brett Ratner-related hosting drama wouldn't have an impact on the show. Maybe we wouldn't miss Eddie Murphy after all? Maybe this thing would be full of surprises and gravitas and have the kind of soulful good spirit that someone like Morgan Freeman embodies. Was there a chance the 2012 Oscars might actually be GOOD?

Oh, Billy Crystal. I'd forgotten how awful you were! I mean, there MIGHT have been a time at some point in the '80s when his humor seemed alive and/or not phoned in, but those days are long past. Instead we got modern-day Billy Crystal, whose comedic sensibility would make Bruce Vilanch roll his eyes.

Seriously, the opening montage of film parodies was just a world of NOPE. See lookit:

The one part they got right was when Billy Crystal ate fecal matter-laced pie like in The Help (because OH YEAH that's an actual, MAJOR plot point in The Help). I liked this part because in this situation Billy Crystal was basically an audience surrogate.

This marked the first time in a long time where I actually felt bad for Tom Cruise. Leave him alone!

This was just a nightmare. Who thought this was a good idea? First of all, I thought we as a society had agreed to forget about the Adventures of Tintin's existence? But secondly AAAAAAAAHHH!! Get away!!

Please don't ask me to explain the part where Billy Crystal as Tintin grabbed onto a flying reel of celluloid and then entered the Matrix and started shouting at movie clips (?) and then morphed into some kind of awards show host messiah? I shan't explain it because I can't explain it.

Well, no matter the circumstances that brought us to this point, Billy Crystal was definitely hosting the Oscars for the ninth time, and we were just going to have to deal with it. And who knows? There were probably literally millions of elderly people out there who really enjoyed his particular toothless brand of celebrity sassery.

Whoops, probably best not to make jokes about celebrities losing weight when it appears they may have gained a bunch of it back already?

Anyway, the best parts of any awards show are always the crowd reaction shots, and this crowd was no exception. Particularly when Billy Crystal began singing his trademark awful musical number.

This girl knows what I'm talking about:

What's the opposite of smiling with your eyes?

So after that ordeal was over, we finally got down to business! It was awards time! Except then Tom Hanks walked out and did some bit about some seat-filler who's been doing it for 30 years or something.

It MIGHT have been a charming story except then Tom Hanks said it wasn't true? Which is it, Tom Hanks? Was that a marginally charming bit, or did you just waste our time with a baffling lie, Tom Hanks?

So anyway, this guy won for Cinematography:

And then this married couple won for Art Direction and they were so super Italian that this lady literally dedicated her trophy to Italy.

Also, for some reason the house band included Pharrell Williams and SHEILA E. (!)

I mean, fine. That's fine. Sheila E. was more than welcome to be there. I couldn't just question EVERY little detail of this broadcast. Gotta pick your battles, you know?

I agreed with Bret McKenzie here. Billy Crystal was attempting to describe to us how great it used to be going to the movies. Aw, poor movies! Then we got a montage of just some of the best, most important moments in film history:

After that was done, out came two fly girls:

It was cool that Cameron Diaz was back to her There's Something About Mary 'do!

One of the innovations of this broadcast was something I actually really liked: For each award there'd be a quick talking-head segment where a member of the production talked about the movie. For instance, in the Costume Design category, we got a little snippet where noted filmmaker Roland Emmerich talked about his Oscar-nominated classic Anonymous.

Anyway, this is the guy who ended up winning for Costume Design:

Then when we cut back to Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz they had their backs turned to us! What was going on??

Oh, what loveable scamps! They were just foolin' around onstage, bein' funny, havin' a good time, and also conveniently bringing attention to their rumps. Why not? It's the Oscars!

These guys won for whatever.

This is not related to anything in particular, but do you guys remember the final scene in Death Becomes Her? The part with the mannequin spray paint?

Then we got this montage, which would recur throughout the broadcast. Various celebrities looking super dour and talking about the dearly departed.

R.I.P. movies! You will be missed.

Sandra Bullock came out and pulled out some more of her patented Sandy Bullock Deadpan Comedy, but this time impressively blew the roof off the joint by speaking Mandarin in a German accent. I'm not sure either! But I respect the weirdness of it, you know? Well played, madam.

This guy won and his speech was VERY serious and I don't remember a single word of it. Just the goatee. I will always remember that goatee.

I don't think I was the only one who wasn't paying attention though.

So then Christian Bale came out!

I was anxious to see which part of the extreme weight-loss cycle he was currently on, but he looked pretty normal? He might even be headed back into beefcake territory! It's unclear. Anyway, he introduced the nominees for Best Supporting Actress.

How much did you love it when Jessica Chastain nervously clutched her grandmother while Christian Bale listed the names? Doesn't matter, because THIS was even better:

Yay, Octavia Spencer! I know this wasn't really in question, but still: Good actors deserve higher salaries and now she'll get it. As a movie The Help is almost outrageously problematic, but it's hard to be mad about how many amazing actresses it employed.

Anyway, the entire room was pretty stoked for her:

Even Brangelina! I actually liked these two... They just chilled in the front row looking like they were in a super good mood. Do you think they might've hot-boxed in their minivan beforehand?

It should go without saying that Billy Crystal delivered "hilarious" "jokes" throughout the show, but I wanted to point this one out in particular. He said the movie The Help inspired him to want to hug the nearest black person he could find. But because he was in Beverly Hills at the time he had to drive 45-minutes to find one. Let's just let that joke sink in for a second. Between this and the Sammy Davis Jr. blackface from earlier, WHAT YEAR IS THIS BILLY CRYSTAL? Can you please go to jail already?

Here are people who should only go to jail on Opposite Day:

Christopher Guest and crew! I'm not sure that what America was dying to see was a comedy bit about market testing, but I appreciated the bold stance taken by this sketch that market testing is probably a bad thing. That's beside the point though, because I was laughing! Especially the part where Jennifer Coolidge complained about how ugly the characters of The Wizard of Oz were.

Jennifer Coolidge wins, like always.

Has anyone ever, in the history of recorded time, been like, "I will see ANYTHING with Bradley Cooper in it"? Is there a chance Bradley Cooper is kind of a scam artist? It just feels like maybe nobody has ever actually enjoyed Bradley Cooper in something but he's suddenly an A-List actor now somehow. Oh well. Hey look, it's Tina Fey! She is great. And they just rattled off three different categories, lightning round-style:

Who in this picture did you relate to more: Sleeping Old Man or Miserable Black Lady?

Look, I'm sorry. Those voices just did NOT sound anywhere near close enough to the originals. I know the original people aren't really available these days, but still. Either scour the country for a better match or cut it out!

Speaking of cut it out, WHAT ON EARTH, Cirque Du Soleil? In what was described as an acrobatic performance meant to represent the FEEL of going to the movies, everybody's favorite troupe of nightmarish performers took to the stage in a confusing and nonsensical interpretation of the moviegoing experience.

It began with Meryl Streep looking straight-up confused, but soon we would be too.

This guy, for no real reason, slinked out of his CROP TOP shirt and then did the splits.

Then a group of dancers (including a woman dressed up to resemble the female gremlin from Gremlins 2), wearing airbrushed novelty t-shirts they'd apparently bought at Venice Beach, did some kind of weird seat dance.

Some kind of female usher attacked Jean Dujardin's wife. The camera cut away before anyone hit her off the back of the chair with a rolled-up newspaper, so it's not clear if that happened or not.

To be fair, at first I was more like George Clooney, like, "Huh, this is different." But by the end I was definitely way more like his date, all "WTF is even happening?"

Nice try, French Canada.

For the Best Documentary category, Robert Downey, Jr. brought out a camera crew and he proceeded to engage in a hilarious comedy bit with noted comedienne Gwyneth Paltrow. She seemed as annoyed as WE were!

Also during this part where Gwyneth Paltrow was getting all intense, I learned more about basic human anatomy than I did at the BodyWorlds exhibition.

Anyway, these bros won Best Documentary:

Congratulations, fellas! The rest of the Lambda Chi house is gonna be so proud of you.

Chris Rock came out and did a genuinely hilarious bit about how easy actors have it when they do voiceovers in animated films, complete with a cutting remark about how black actors are only allowed to play donkeys and such. Hey remember when Chris Rock hosted the Oscars a few years back? That wasn't terrible, right? I'm sure everyone gave him a hard time about how it was somehow not a right fit for the Oscars, but I bet everyone regrets that now, huh? Wouldn't the show have been so much better if he'd hosted? Heck, they should've just let Conan do it. Or Wendy Williams. Anybody. I don't know.

All I know is, it was super weird seeing Cameron Diaz laugh so hard at Rock's joke regarding how easy it is to do voiceover work. Um, the Shrek movies are all you've got going, lady. Laugh it up.

The winner for best Animated Film was Rango, which, fine. Congrats to the director of Mouse Hunt as well as a handful of incomprehensible pirate films, Gore Verbinski!

And congrats to us for the existence of Melissa McCarthy!

Seriously, one of the past year's best innovations has been her sudden ascent to comedy luminary. She is the best.

I also really enjoyed this bit where Emma Stone attempted to milk her experience of presenting at the Oscars. Not only was she basically perfect, but she even got to make fun of all Ben Stiller's ultra-dumb, attention-grabbing antics of awards seasons past. Well-played, Emma Stone.

This guy won for something, who knows what.

Oh, hi, Melissa Leo! I can't believe I'd forgotten this, but her Oscar triumph for The Fighter happened just last year! So now she came back to present Best Supporting Actor. She is a real firecracker, that Melissa Leo.

YES! Christopher Plummer won for Beginners! That was my favorite movie of last year and Christopher Plummer was VERY good in it. And wouldn't you know it, his acceptance speech was the best of the night. It was funny and heartfelt, and basically perfect. Hooray! Good things happen!

Billy Crystal did a bit where he'd use his "psychic abilities" to predict what celebrities were thinking. I will admit I chuckled when Nick Nolte's internal monologue was just a growling noise. Credit where credit's due, Billy Crystal made me laugh here.

I don't know what this guy wanted. I think he was the President of something? Get out of here, Dr. Boring.

Oh, hold up. More awards.

Music.

I LOVED when Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell came out and started clanging cymbals directly in Brangelina's faces. That made me laugh very hard!

Also when they kept accidentally dropping cymbals on the stage. And also when Zach Galifianakis mispronounced his own name. Man, these guys!

Yay! Bret McKenzie from Flight of the Conchords won for his contributions to The Muppets soundtrack! See, as much as I complain about this show, tons of deserving people got awards. It felt like, at this point, the show was on a bit of a roll even.

And then the popcorn girls came out. Was this supposed to be another nostalgia-driven thing where we lamented the loss of moviegoing? Or just a dumb sexist thing that belongs in a trashy casino somewhere? I'm not even sure!

This was hilarious: Angelina Jolie came out and struck a silly pose. See, and a lot of people say that she has no sense of humor, but I felt like she knew she was being ridiculous and was really getting off on it. Fair enough! The thing is, why is everybody talking about the pose and not the fact that she appears to be near death? Just look at that inner elbow and tell me she's not in some kind of trouble. Danger, girl!

The Descendants won Best Adapted Screenplay, and that's good news because (1) that is a terrific movie, and (2) it was written by a couple of former Groundlings, including Dean Pelton himself, Jim Rash! He even went so far as to mimic Angelina Jolie's stance. I'm not sure he properly captured her chillingly skeletal countenance, but I DO get the impression that she is probably just as bald due to malnutrition.

Anyway, then Woody Allen won for best Original Screenplay, but he wasn't there, so Angelina Jolie skittered away with his trophy and disappeared into the rafters where she will presumably incorporate it into her cocoon?

Then my favorite actress Milla Jovovich came out and briefly recounted her harrowing experience as the sacrificial babe at the Academy tech awards banquet. She survived, and she looked good, but I'm worried, you guys. Something's wrong. Just let me know if she starts exhibiting worrisome survival instincts or unexpected ESP abilities.

I guess it's nice that Bridesmaids was recognized on Oscar night, except when you think about it, isn't it really depressing that Bridesmaids was recognized on Oscar night? Is that how bad the current state of lady comedy is? Yes, I guess it is that bad. But still, it's a merely okay movie that we now have to bend over backwards to honor. Plus it was about WEDDINGS which is definitely a comedy ghetto territory for female movies. And now the cast has to come out and make penis jokes like they are dudes? Is that empowerment? I don't know. The existence of Bridesmaids is definitely a start. Hopefully we'll get to a point where women starring in a gross-out comedy won't automatically be considered Oscar material in the future.

I was lucky enough to see a showcase of this year's short films, and when I saw eventual winner The Shore, I KNEW it would be the one to win. That's because it was THE WORST. Seriously, seriously terrible. Just sub-sitcom writing with totally level-1 storytelling and deeply unfunny, painfully overlong comic relief scenes. Congratulations, The Shore!

Did you know there was a Martin Scorsese-related drinking game going on? I didn't, and apparently neither did Martin Scorsese, who seemed completely baffled when Melissa McCarthy and Rose Byrne suddenly pounded vodka during their presentation.

These people won for a documentary about plastic surgeons who help fix war-related disfigurements in Pakistan. The white-bread quarterback lookin' dude made a point to first hog the spotlight, then insist that "the actual Pakistani" on stage speak next. It was very touching and not at all weird in a racial way!

I mean. These two? Presenting at the Oscars? I am NOT complaining, I'm celebrating. Wendi McLendon-Covey and Ellie Kemper are awesome.

These guys won for their animated short, which I'd also seen and which I'd also predicted would win on the strength of its mediocrity. Seriously, it looks nice, but there's not a genuine or original thought in the whole thing. How it beat out the incredible Pixar short is beyond me.

Hey, Michael Douglas! Nice to see you? Remember when he almost died recently? I'm so glad he didn't! He is truly a national treasure. His jokes are slightly more intense than necessary, so hopefully he'll work on that.

SPOILER ALERT: The director of The Artist won Best Director. Anyone with half a brain knows that this meant The Artist was a virtual lock for Best Picture, so it was a bummer that they revealed this category so early. Oh well.

Then Meryl Streep came out and told us all about the time that honorary Oscars were given to folks in need:

Congrats guys. You earned it.

Uh-oh. Get prepared to be bummed, because here came the In Memoriam segment. Last year's Best New Artist Grammy winner Esmerelda Spalding ('member, the one who proceeded to be terrorized by angry Bieber fans?) sang a live version of "It's a Wonderful World" as some stark images faded in and out. Here were some of the biggies:

Liz Taylor got the final slot, which as we all know is a dream come true for a dead celebrity. Congrats, girl.

Whoops, more movie talkin'!

Okay, second time Billy Crystal made me laugh: After that montage in which everyone was so over-the-top about how devoted they are to their respective movies, Billy Crystal just went, "I've never felt that way." It was pretty funny! You probably had to be there. (Where WERE you, anyway?)

Natalie Portman and her crazy-short arms and tiny body came out presented the award for Best Actor.

Obviously it was Jean Dujardin from The Artist. And get a load of that KISS his director planted on him. That's just how they roll in France, you guys!

Yeah, he was pretty good in The Artist. I'll give him that. The thing is, The Artist was not the best movie. It was fine. Likeable. Kind of just an extended FunnyorDie video, if you ask me. (Don't ask me.) It's definitely the King's Speech of 2011. Nothing really wrong with it, just more crowd-pleasing than clever.

At some point A.R. Rahman joined Pharrell Williams and Sheila E.'s band and he was REALLY feelin' it. Like, you could NOT stop A.R. Rahman from moaning into that microphone if you TRIED.

Then Mr. Darcy came out and introduced the nominees for Best Actress. Like the Best Actor category, the presenter had weird little personal speeches for each nominee.

Obviously Rooney Mara looked great, if starving, in her gown, but get a load of the crying lady in the row behind her! WHAT was she crying about? Colin Firth was just listing nominees at this point! Pull it together, lady.

Oh, but guess what? Meryl Streep won! It was kind of a shocker since I think people just assumed Viola Davis would get it. I liked the consolation face-scoop that Meryl Streep did to Viola Davis as she walked onstage. That's just classy.

Meryl Streep kind of overdid it with the "Aw shucks, you guys" speech, but she's still so good that who can be mad at her? Fine, have an award, or all of them.

I don't want to name names, but SOMEBODY was looking pretty good last night. Good haircut, nice tan, well-rested, slightly less crazy in the eyes. It was almost like he wanted back into our good graces? Oh all right, Tom Cruise, but you are ON PROBATION, guy. Don't mess this up.

Best Picture went to The Artist, easily one of the top 15 movies of the year, but certainly not #1. It is more than a little outrageous that it (or anything) could beat out Tree of Life, but I am definitely past the point of caring who gets an Oscar. It turns out those little statutes don't always go to the best movies? They simply go to the movies for which the most Academy members voted. It's not a guarantee of quality. The Artist is a likeable, fun movie. It's not amazing, particularly if you've actually SEEN a Billy Wilder film. It's a good mimic of those movies, it's not actually anything new. On the other hand, it's hard not to applaud any movie that results in Penelope Ann Miller and Missi Pyle taking the stage on Oscar night. I'm cool with it. Congrats, everyone!

Not so fast, Billy Crystal.

There you have it! A technically proficient, reasonably entertaining show! Billy Crystal was a blunder, but a lot of deserving people won awards and I personally liked a lot of the production decisions. I don't know. It was the Oscars, you know? Just a fitting tribute to our dearly departed movies. Bye forever, movies!

 

QUESTIONS:

... Who is the best Oscar host of all time?

... Did The Artist deserve all those awards?

... How many Cirque Du Soleil-related nightmares will you be having?

... What's your current frontrunner for 2013's Best Picture: Journey 2, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance or This Means War?

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I am French and I cannot help but agreeing with you, Price. The Artist is a pretty good movie, very likeable as you say, but it was not the best movie in competition. To be frank, French directors make lots of better movies than this one, but they decide to export crowd-pleasers that promote the old clich of French lifestyle... What about modern life? Nothing about that. It was the same for 'La Mme' five years ago (translated into 'La Vie en Rose' for whatever marketing reasons.) However, I think Jean Dujardin did deserve the award for best actor. He is indeed spectular. He started his career as a TV comedian, and in 10 years he has become the most popular actor in France without being such an arrogant ass about it. Go Jean!
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The best looking guy = Tom Cruise

The best looking girl = Meryl Streep

: D
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FYI, Billy Crystal did the best ANYONE could have done with the material he was presented with - if you can do better, go to an audition. No? Then shut up.

The only classy actors (male and female) who showed up were the ones over 40; some well over 40. The younger ones were pretty much all very forgettable, especially the entire cast of Bridesmaids. It is unbelievable that the movie, or anyone in it, would even be up for an Oscar. How very far this concept has fallen, i.e., rock bottom.
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"What's your current frontrunner for 2013's Best Picture:"



Game of Thrones.

I don't care that it's not a movie, it's still going to be the best thing in 2013
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I thought they were fine.. billy crystal made me laugh, also why did harry potter didn't win anything?... also i didn't watch most of the nominated movies so who cares..
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jennifer lopez & cameron diaz was the highlight. sad and funny at the same time?
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The Artist DID Deserve All those Awards!



Great article, better than actually watching the show!
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Ooh, wait! I, author of this article, have more to say!



Look at me! I'm a modern stereotype! I say glib thing and believe calling attention to my snap judgments somehow makes them acceptable. Tumblr-style photo captions R funny and scathing, and express my lofty intellectualism better than sentences can. Don't ask me to pause for thought, cuz nope. As a man of the 2000s, I know that women are good unless they're thin, and racism is bad and exists anytime someone who isn't white is near someone who is. Those are my carefully considered views, not a further example of my off-the-shelf personality. Salaries are too high, unless they're not high enough. Sexism and indepedent film! Mainstream is bad and I know what "gravitas" means. Anything made before the internet is unecessary. I provide a valuable service to humanity.
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Staff
Feel better?
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Nice comeback.. lol
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Artist didn't deserve anything. Oscars are crap. A bunch of crap gets 10 awards every year. Listening to the guy with the terrible English, his only chance was in a silent film.... But guess what, do a normal movie and press mute and you got a silent movie.
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The Oscars were actually kind of fun this year,,, and i really liked the host, , but,,, I didnt agree with most of the ones that won... Some movies were nominated in some categories for the sake of being nominated... Plus,, Melissa Macarthy should have won ,, ... also... wtf with the artist??? it was even nominated for best original script ... Hello is a silent film..,, no words
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Cirque Du Soleil was there because they were performing at that venue during the week and had to give up the space for the Oscars.



Just to explain their appearance.
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How convenient, we are lucky.
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THANK YOU! for saying it was outrageous that The Tree of Life didn't win Best Picture, i mean come on! it was so much more than just a movie! also equally (if not more) outraged that it got beat by Hugo for Best Cinematography! like, what?!!! where Hugo was just good in that department, The Tree of Life was truly inspired, breathtaking, immersive etc.

and yes, don't even get me started on Drive!
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Laughing at this recap makes me slightly less angry about Drive...but only slightly
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I think that Billy Crystal looks really creepy, I don't know if it's the botox or something like that, but he looks like he has a rubber mask on....I thought these people had mirrors, but maybe they have just someone that looks at them and tell them that they are gorgeous...(and I'm talking about you too, Nicole Kidman..)
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Best Oscar host of all time so far... Bob Hope, no contest. Best future Oscar host... Louis C.K..
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This comment has been removed.
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"Pretentious." Says a dot-dot-dot guy...



'Great' and 'Fantastic' are nothing but other opinions, and no more valid than the next guy who says 'Undeserving.' Just opinions.



Approaching it with a 'Let's see what's so great about Downton Abbey' curiosity, The Artist was okay, equivalent to Swing music. Respectable genre, but long-since here, and not-at-all revolutionized by recent installments.



As with Avatar--a horribly-written movie with fantastic eye-candy--spawning a ton of unnecessary 3-D movies, there may be a big baby boom of silent films, which may make many people happy, but their joy will be no more valid or important than those of us who say "ehh."



And Downton Abbey's better than The Borgias, but not better than Mad Men.
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"Avatar--a horribly-written movie with fantastic eye-candy--spawning a ton of unnecessary 3-D movies,..."



I agree. I basically loathe Avatar. But honestly, I can't see Hollywood making silent movies and really, I can't compare the horrible 3D invasion with anything in The Artist. When I watched this movie, all I thought was: This is a lovely homage to the US cinema. I loved it and I am glad it won the award. I don't expect/hope to see more silent movies, because I really don't think this is the main point here.



Well, Downton Abbey is nothing more than a glorified Dynasty and I love it. Are there people out there who compare it with Mad Men? Geez.



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You can't seriously believe that 'silent movie boom', do you? You needed to say that to make your point, right? To compare it with the biggest blockbuster ever for no reason, right? Next thing you know stores are going to sell you TVs with the Mute option AGAIN, right? 'Cause it's the same as 3D...like you said...just in case.



The fact that some guys sold a silent movie in 2012 to some random Hollywood studio deserves an Oscar alone.
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Sorry about the late-as-hell. Out of town. Who knows if there'll be more silent films. What I do know is that anything hugely successful in the past 20 years has spawned knockoffs until nothing but dust came out. Honestly, yes, I would be surprised if hollywood actually takes the win and walks away.



When's the last time that happened?
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"As a movie The Help is almost outrageously problematic, but it's hard to be mad about how many amazing actresses it employed."

I effing love you Price. Way to articulate every movie related rant I've given in the last year! From Angelina's anorexia to the "empowerment" of Bridesmaids... I mean, weddings, really? What a lovely reminder that no matter how brilliant and intelligent I am, I'm always a wedding away from a psychotic episode because ESTROGEN. Gah. When I wasn't laughing hysterically I was nodding emphatically. Honestly, I don't think I ever need watch another awards ceremony again. You just saved me, what, like eight hours? Brilliant.

Your question:

Sleeping Old Man or Miserable Black Lady? Sleeping Old Man because he was really just texting.
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Price, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Thank you
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Hooray for a Community reference! Loved the recap!
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The Community reference made me laugh. Also Natalie Portman always looks stunning.
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Nicholas Cage wins Best Actor for his stunning portrayal of an overacting, fallen from grace, former Oscar winner who is playing Ghost Rider in a movie.
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"The part with the mannequin spray paint?" First I thought this line was the funniest, but then you wrote "This is the darkest most terrible timeline" on that photo! Bahahahahaha!
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I thought you need to read this then put recap on it....

At this time, many Iranians all over the world are watching us and I imagine them to be very happy. They are happy not just because of an important award or a film or filmmaker, but because at the time when talk of war, intimidation, and aggression is exchanged between politicians, the name of their country Iran is spoken here through her glorious culture, a rich and ancient culture that has been hidden under the heavy dust of politics. I proudly offer this award to the people of my country, a people who respect all cultures and civilizations and despise hostility and resentment.



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I never really liked Billy Crystal that much, but he was ok during the Oscars, even if he was playing it pretty safe. But I guess hosting the Oscars is a pretty hard job to pull of well...it makes me feel bad for poor Anne last year. She tried so hard & was so excite...if only she got a better co-host. Neil Patrick Harris would be a great host though, or even Tina Fey would be brilliant.

The Artist is a little over-rated, but it deserved a lot of the awards it won last night. It's a good movie, if not the best movie. I disagree about the Kings Speech comment though. Fantastic movie with fantastic acting. It deserved everything it got last year in my opinion :)
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did anyone else thought that Jason Segel seemed kinda lost there?
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I love your Vamps recaps, but you overdue the cynicism on your show reviews (though I still laughed). Crystal is widely regarded as one of the best, if not THE best oscar hosts. He didn't do amazing this year, but that doesn't mean he was ever "horrible" as host. Cirque de Soleil was incredible...what is wrong witchu? Also Tree of Life was incredible divisive, with many people HATING it, so it's not a surprise that it didn't win. The Artist is a great film, it IS clever, just not depressing or overly deep like some of the others (i.e. Tree of Life, as deep as the Marianas Trench).
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wow....that was a looooong article to poke fun at the Oscars, almost as droll as many of the comments itself.



But at least I was able to see what small choice bits may have been worth watching and catch them on the internet as I do agree the show is largely bloated and a waste, and for that I thank you.



Also, why pointing out that every actress in a fancy dress that is thin to fine looking always skeletal? Bitter much?



Also, this was pretty hilarious ""I wear doll clothes, clothes made 4 dolls" :P .
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It's like when twiggy filmed Salt, but then talks about actor involvement in a movie. That joke is much worse than give her a sandwich, quick!
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I hate any and all bull.... award shows. It's basically a bunch of rich soulless jackasses congratulating other rich soulless jackasses for being rich soulless jackasses. And to quote Price Peterson (something that I've been saying for years)

"...I am definitely past the point of caring who gets an Oscar. It turns out those little statutes don't always go to the best movies? They simply go to the movies for which the most Academy members voted. It's not a guarantee of quality."
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To start with, I think Price Peterson is just making stupid comments to try and sound funny. Well, I say to this: "NOPE!"



I will say that I found Billy Crystal not all that great. He wasn't terrible, he was just not as good as he used to be. His jokes weren't all that fresh. For terrible, we have to look back at James Franco and Anne Hathaway. Anne Hathaway carried that show and James Franco did his absolute best to drag it down.



If I were to vote for someone to host next year's Oscars I would easily shout: Emma Stone. She nailed her presenter bit and it was the best of the night. I think, let her do it on her own and see how well a truly funny woman can do as an awards host. She'd probably do well to draw in some of the younger crowd.



At this point I'm going to have to step in and remind people of something. The Oscars aren't awards given out to the 'Best' actors or movies in various categories. They're given to whomever the academy's 5000-6000 members vote for. The Academy is made up of primarily old white men. Only 14% of Academy members are below the age of 50. 94% of whom are white. So, if the Academy really wants to spruce up their image and appeal to a younger crowd (as they failed to do so with James and Anne) they should start bringing in younger members to their club. I'm sure there are rules for who can be a member, but I'm sure there are ways that you could make it so that actors like Viola Davis, Emile Hirsch, Carey Mulligan, Emma Stone, Mia Wasikowska, Ryan Gosling, and hundreds others could become Academy members. (Admittedly, I don't know if any of those mentioned actors are already in the Academy) A younger Academy might also help enliven the broadcast awards night as well.



As a side note: Please Academy, whatever you do, don't let any actor touting the Twilight Series as a great accomplishment into the Academy.
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Cirque was hot!!!!!
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You're an idiot. Frank Oz does the voice of Miss Piggy. He always has, and he's still alive.
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Not no more. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1204342/
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I disagree with most of this review! I really think Artist is one of the films which deserved Oscar.
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It's Esperanza Spalding not Esmerelda
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small point but "saving face" is about women who are victims of honor crimes and have been doused with acid
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"It's not amazing, particularly if you've actually SEEN a Billy Wilder film. It's a good mimic of those movies, it's not actually anything new." If I recall correctly, The Artist was a silent film...Billy Wilder never did silent films...so HOW does this "mimic" Wilder films? Because it was a love story in black and white?? Probably should use a better example, that's actually more similar to The Artist if you want to make an appropriate comparison.
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I am going to start lobbying for Neil Patrick Harris as host for next year. He makes everything more entertaining and while I doubt any of the Harold and Kumar movies will get Oscars, they do make him a movie star. Plus the musical number at the start of the show would kill.
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You can't 'over-exaggerate' something.
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You must read these reviews fairly often to be able to say they "always" annoy you. It leads me to wonder why you return here if you so thoroughly dislike what Price has to say. If something is anathema to you, why expose yourself to it?



I just don't understand why people waste time like this, particularly when they have complete control over whether to visit sites they know will start them fuming. Why not read things you enjoy, so you can converse in a positive tone instead of coming back to a blog you don't like just to insult its writer whom you clearly don't appreciate? Honestly.
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I think this all the time. I only ever comment if something is worth commenting on. If I hate it, you'll never see me again. Such bizarre behaviour, I'll never understand it.
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And they didn't like Ricky Gervais as awards' show host??
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I dont know what the hell happened in your article, but you just made fun without being at all funny about...well everybody who either sat, stood or was just looking in any direction at the oscars. i am really sorry but you are the billy crystal of this article.

i mean i am no fan of the oscars. with the politics going on backstage and the jokes read from a teleprompter. but "angelina jolie is so skinny joke?" seriously? A "Natalie Portman has short arms joke?". Wow even if you were all sarcastic and everything - still i would say, like the white printed one liner comments on your photosection - FAIL.



Have you ever seen Cirque de Soleil?

And i dont really get it.. I mean its an award show hosted by Billy Crystal. What do you wanna see. Stand up Comedy?



I could go on for a long while...so many things i didnt like about this article and thats amazing because i am not even a fan of the oscars. which is saying enough i guess.



just read it again, tell me i was wrong and this article was totally funny and well written.



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actually his words are pretty much similar to stuff I heard from a group of cinephiliac friends of mine that we watched the show, live, from 2 am to 7 am in the morning.. I am underlining the timing because, it points to a real effort.. I am not a movie person, and the rest of the group has watched like two movies per week last year (some of them are actually in movie business as well).. yet, we felt pretty similar things to what Price has captured.. angelina jolie comment is not a joke but actually a statement, the woman looks scary.. we have seen cirque to soleil live in our country if it really matters and we all think that having them perform, on top of people, on top of people's chairs, in an award show was not only unreasonable but also dangerous and careless.. and the charerography was really, really bad.. billy crystal was a total disappointment for me, because he, himself even could not smile to those frozen jokes he made.. we have seen award shows with better entertainment and there were really entertaining moments that night, which all - I mean all- of them lacked presence of Crystal.. so, I myself read it and telling you, you are wrong.. the article is pretty funny and well written and correct.. he does not review the show from a movie critique point of view, and he doesn't have to.. he reviews it just like many of us, a show on tv about movies.. if Oscars were appealing only to film fans, that would be such a tiny community which not worth to set up such an immense organization..



price, my only rant would be about you skipping the unbelivable moment where sacha baron cohen dumped a vase full of dust and ashes on a presenter in the red carpet.. that did need a caption:)
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just because you watched it with your movie friends from 2am till 7am doesnt change anything about the article. i watched it at the same time.

anyway....lots of different opinions.

still if you thought that was funny and especially well written and correct

i have to doubt you actually read what he wrote.

example:

"well written"

i wear doll clothes, clothes made 4 dolls?



almost poetic.



example:

"correct"

the artist mimics billy wilder movies.

because you have friends in movies ask them about billy wilder movies and how this statement could be correct in anyway.



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This guy isn't even a film fan in the first place the "This guy won some award" joke is pretty much saying their job isn't important...and he also says Beginners was his favorite movie of the year??? Wow! He likes a movie that hardly anyone saw...the writer of this article is sooo unique!! BTW, I DID see Beginners and it was an average film... Guess he didn't see A Separation...maybe TV.com should hire someone who knows something about film before assigning them something like this...
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Great writing, Price, really entertaining, funny and smart. I hope you were sarcastic regarding Tina Fey being funny. She seems nice , very down to earth, but I'm quite annoyed, nobody says anything bad about Tina Fey, ever, like she is some sort of high class mafia-lady.
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A lot of people find her funny. No one says bad things about her because she's incredibly likeable and a genuine person...they don't feel the need to.
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Agreed...Amy Proehler (the OTHER half of the SNL duo) is infinitely more funny to me.
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I skipped the Oscars for the first time in years but reading all about it I didn't really feel like I missed anything. In fact, I'm pretty sure this recap was better than the whole show. Thanks Price!
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Pretty funny, even Charlene 'Princess of Monaco' was there..
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I don't think the tree of life is the movie of year.... I slept during at least 15min and I never sleep at the movie! I'm so happy for the artist and it's a great accomplishment for french cinema and this kind of movie.
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Price, please keep this up, keep this up, please, KEEP THIS UP!!

The bit about the sleepy dude and the mourning chick OMG pure brilliance lol

Could you do WE WATCHED IT FOR YOU again? Miss that.

Also have you ever considered doing revenge series? Please think about it :)
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lilyroro does revenge for this site. Emily VanCamp (Emily Thorne from Revenge) has tweeted about them.
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Every year I figure I'm going to have a gripe with the In Memoriam segment and this year was no different. It's not for me to say Whitney Houston shouldn't have been on the list, but who did she knock off? I think it had to be Harry Morgan. And before the argument is presented that he's more TV oriented, what about 'The Ox-Bow Incident', 'Inherit The Wind', 'The Shootist', 'The Flim-Flam Man', 'How The West Was Won', 'Teahouse of the August Moon', 'The Glenn Miller Story', 'The Big Clock' and 'High Noon'??? And shouldn't the same argument have been made about Whitney being more music oriented?
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Pfft, 18-24 demographics my ass. You give me Billy Crystal anytime. He's still got it. Why even bother with the younger and hipper viewers. 18-24 demograpics can stick to MTV Movie Awards. This is goddamn Oscars



When RDJ and Gwyneth argued in the stage, all i can see was Tony Stark arguing with Pepper Potts. The chemistry, man.



Emma Stone's act ? Future Oscars host. Bet on it.
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Not a fan of the Academy Awards. I chuckled once or twice at the photo recap though.
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I totally freaked myself out while eating my two double cheeseburgers watching this shit. Like seriously Price, I immediately ran straight at my television and tried to force feed it a burger so maybe Angelina would look bigger? If the camera supposedly adds ten pounds I'm almost certain the people at the award show only heard a voice talking on stage. I didn't have enough burgers for everyone though. :-(
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Well, what can you expect of a television program made by a bunch of people who make movies? Atleast they're trying. I mean yes, I knew Cirque Du Soleil would be a complete diaster as soon as I heard about it, but kudos to the Academy for branching out and trying something new for once! However, I did think that almost every comedy bit was pushed way too hard and I understand there is only a certain amount of time for everything but if they all just slowed down, the comedic timing would have been much more enjoyable and sucessful. For example the whole bit with the cymbals, it was clear Zach was dropping them on purpose and it was just too forced for me. And about the whole movies dying, the reason Hollywood isn't churning out any real quality movies these days, is because they know that its easier to produce an already loved franchise then risk a fresh, completely -dare I say it- original movie. We as moviegoers then, have the responsibilty to demand higer quality movies. And sure we may have said it over and over again that we want them, but when its the teenage girls, the wannabe wizards, and the action figure lovers who are sleeping outside the theaters its hard to tell. And I know that most adults or any true movie finatic might not be willing to sleep outside the movie theater to see The Artist or The Descendants but we have to find our own ways to get the attention of Hollywood and tell them to get their act together! On a completely irrelevant note though - about the drinking game witht the bridesmaids, at the Golden Globes when they presented they said they created their own game that whenever you " Scorsese" you drink. Iwil admit those ladies are definitely funny however crude they may be.
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I admit it, I did enjoy the Harry Potter movies. The books were written for 8 year olds, but the movies...i was only a little old to be watching them.



Anyway, the main reason for Hollywood churning out unoriginal or rehashed franchises is indeed fear of risk, and they manage it with controlling what's released. Not only will dumping out a remake generate easy ratings, any mediocre director can put one together, which makes any director who does easily replaceable.



Hollywood doesn't want original movies because they become dependent on the creators to make the next one...even though they still have everyone immediately working on cheap knockoffs.



An article from GQ, "The Day the Movies Died," touches on it talking about Inception.
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Someone feed Angelina Jolie!! Please!
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