Over it: shows we want off TV

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There are a lot of good shows being cancelled and yet way too many shows on TV that don't deserve to be there.

You know, the ones that have you scrambling for the remote the moment they come on. Here is our list of the worst TV shows currently disgracing us with their presence on Australian screens.

King of the Hill

Does everyone you know immediately change the channel the moment they realise King of the Hill is about to begin? We sure do. King of the Hill depicts the dull and depressing lives of a small-town family in Texas. It's boring and the jokes are so unfunny that you find you'd rather watch a dripping tap for entertainment.

We're 98 per cent certain that this is the least entertaining cartoon ever created (perhaps outstripped only by The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show). Why is it still on TV? And why do TV programmers always insist on shoving it in with the good cartoons in animation line-ups? It's like they think that by hiding it amongst The Simpsons, Futurama and Family Guy, we won't really notice how terrible it is. They're wrong.

King of the Hill has finally been cancelled in the US, but people all over the world are still suffering from repeats. Take them off!

The Biggest Loser

In case you've been lucky enough to have never seen an episode of The Biggest Loser, it depicts the journey of several overweight Aussies battling to lose as much weight as possible with the aid of crazily strict personal trainers and a crash diet.

Whether it's couples, families or singles, The Biggest Loser is still the same old thing. If we wanted to see overweight people crying for two hours, we'd go watch Shallow Hal. Or even Return to Fat Camp.

The only interesting episodes are the very first and the very last -- we want to laugh incredulously and feel superior towards these people who actually do eat a horse when they're hungry. And in the last episode we enjoy seeing their massive transformation (albeit feeling a little uncomfortable that they're now *gasp* our size). Not that anyone besides the top seven or so actually transform very much -- the others just put on makeup and a nice dress because they were voted out too early to really change in size.

Seriously, if this reality series genuinely wanted to help people to lose weight (we have no doubt that the trainers do, but the execs? No.), there wouldn't be a voting-out component.

The Vampire Diaries

In The Vampire Diaries, two ethereally hot vampire brothers (played by Paul Wesley and Ian Somerhalder) fall in love with Elena (Nina Dobrev), an annoying high school girl, mostly because she's the spitting image of some crazy vampire chick they knew in 1864 (we'd be offended if we were Elena; they only like you for your looks, girl!). You'll need to suspend all belief in order to watch this saccharine show, which has to be the very worst of the entire teen vampire genre. We understand its niche -- it's like True Blood for tweens, and like Twilight, but on TV every week -- but that doesn't stop it from sucking.

The Vampire Diaries is filled with high school dances, town parades, school carnivals, car washes and Halloween parties. You'd think that 160-year-olds would have matured beyond these things; don't these hot old men have anything better to do than hang out with small-town high-schoolers? But no, Stefan uses his clichéd vampire powers of super speed and super strength to join the football team of all things.

We can't think of a worse fate than attending high school for 150 years.

There are, of course, werewolves and witches, magic rings that prevent the hot vampires from the inconvenience of burning to death in daylight, cutesy storylines, a town called Mystic Falls and wooden stakings galore. It reads like a modern Dracula fan fiction ... written by a 13-year-old girl.

It's all pretty much just eye candy, with the current vogue of supernatural sexual tension thrown in for good measure. You may as well just watch it on mute.

Unfortunately, this show will not be cancelled any time soon. There are too many teenagers in the world.

A Current Affair and Today Tonight

There's no way you can disagree with this; the Chaser boys said it best in their shorts for a spoof show A Chaser Affair: A Current Affair and Today Tonight are a joke. With absolutely no journalistic integrity and the same ridiculously sensationalist stories put on repeat every week, it's impossible to guess why these faux-news shows are still on TV.

There's also a show on Channel 10 around the same time that markets itself as a hip, comedic and truthful current affairs source (*cough* 7pm Project *cough*), but it's really just ACA in disguise. Watch it. You'll see.

Coming up tonight: "the great dentist con job" and an obese three-year-old Chinese boy. Can't wait.

The Good Wife

This woman has one facial expression for everything that happens. Husband cheats on her? Stoic face. Son cracks a joke? Stoic face. In an important work meeting? Stoic face. No wonder her husband cheated on her -- her stoic face would have been utterly disconcerting in bed. We honestly don't know how she won a Golden Globe for best lead actress in this role. All she does is walk around glumly with a long-suffering look on her face, delivering the lines written for her unconvincingly. How did the charismatic Chris Noth become involved in such a tragic project?

Maybe we'd like the show more if Julianna Margulies and her overly botoxed face weren't involved, but we'll never know for sure.

The Farmer Wants a Wife

We don't even know who the target audience for this show is. Who wants to watch a bunch of needy, desperate girls compete for the love of a few single farmers who are already in love (with themselves)? Apparently, 1.4 million people do. There's just no accounting for taste.

This show is like a really, really bad version of The Bachelor. The women are forced to do the farmers' chores and cook and clean for them, to test whether they're "suited" to farm life. Way to set back the women's liberation front several hundred years.

The season finale, airing this Wednesday, will see the farmers choose their "favourite". Sounds riveting, but they all break up after the show ends, anyway.

The verdict

Maybe we're just expecting too much in the way of exciting, intelligent television; can't every show be like The Big Bang Theory?

What about you? Are you in love with one of the above shows? If so, we'd love to hear precisely why that is. Or do you have any suggestions of what else should be taken off air? Does Glee deserve a dishonourable mention? Let us know in the comments below.