Parks and Recreation: Let's All Predict the Tenets of the Swanson Pyramid of Child-rearing!

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It's time to start stocking up on cigars, because Ron Swanson is gonna be a dad. Which, as Nick pointed out his review of last night's Parks and Rec finale, raises a number of burning questions:

Will the Swanson baby come out with a powerful mustache, male or female? Will s/he demand a fine scotch rather than settling for mother's milk? Will the Swanson baby have an unhealthy genetic predisposition for classmates named Tammy? Are there enough bacon and eggs in Pawnee? How old will the Swanson baby be when s/he builds baby's first canoe? Will a Swanson baby even lower itself to being fed strained peas?

But now we've got one more: We've seen hints of what kind of parent Ron will be during his interactions with Diane's two daughters, but with an infant now on the way, surely he'll have strong opinions on how to best deal with:

Diapers (Might the "Torso" rule of "Should be thick and impenetrable" apply?)   

Crying

Breast milk / Breastfeeding

Teething

Burping

Attire

Tiny luxury footwear (Probably: "Avoid it.")

Baby-grooming

Dolls 

Playdates

Vaccines 

Pacifiers

Thumb-sucking

Naptime

Potty-training

Toys (Perhaps: "Should be whittled by hand from salvaged hardwood.")

Saying "No"

Blankies

Wood Working (Our guess: "Training should begin at age 2.")

And more!

So we thought we could all work together to compile the likely tenets of everyone's favorite mustachioed, Libertarian father-to-be. Leave your best guesses in the comments.

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I'd be up for a Ron Swanson, Lucy Lawless spin-off, imagining Ron as a new dad already has me laughing.
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"Pacifiers breed pacifists. Unacceptable."
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Potty Training: Child will self-train or be forced to live in the yard.
Playdates: Swansons neither play or date. They work and conquer.
Attire: Arm holes, leg holes, head hole = clothing is sufficient
Naptime: Child will attend mandatory soldering classes in lieu of napping.
Blankies: Mylar survival blanket is acceptable.
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“Under my tutelage, you will grow from a baby to a man. From a man into a gladiator. And from a gladiator into a Swanson.”
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If the baby is male or female I would expect nothing less then a mustache once it's born
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Wood Working: "My child must carve out his own bed or he/she will sleep on the floor."
Don't even get Ron started on school taxes lol
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Home school!
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Crying? No. Burping? Appropriate after a Meat Tornado. Attire? Practical. Nothing you can't get sawdust of. Dolls? Wooden.
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"My child will never be taking the path of least resistance wastewise. The toilet is one of the most simplistic devices ever designed, and it's never too early to be familiarized with it. I left my first porcelain dump at two weeks old. I know because I have pictures, which I also took."
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Crying: "Cry it out" is not a novel parenting approach. It's common sense.
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Pacifiers should be used as little as possible for the first 6 months, then abandoned completely. That's what cigars are for.
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