Congratulations all around! Congratulations to the Green Bay Packers for their hard-earned gridiron victory; to the Black Eyed Peas, for successfully traveling back in time to offer us a glimpse of the inconceivably obnoxious future that awaits us; and to you, the White Fat Fans, for surviving another Super Bowl without succumbing to a massive, BBQ rib-induced coronary.
Now that we got that out of the way, it’s time for the all-important post-game analysis. That’s right: How did this year’s commercials measure up? Without further ado, we present the First Annual TV.com Bowlies, awarded for noteworthy achievement in Super Bowl mega-shilling.
Best Sellout by a Hip-Hop Superstar Mitigated by Adorable Claymation
...goes to Eminem in a Lipton Brisk spot. So precious was the rapper as a 12-inch-tall iced tea pitchman, you’ll fantasize about wringing out his sweat-soaked do-rag directly into your mouth the next time you’re feeling parched.
Best Sellout by a Hip-Hop Superstar Mitigated by Hometown Pride
...goes again to Eminem, this time in an epic ad for the Chrysler 200. The $9 million spot succeeded spectacularly in its mission to make Americans horny for essentially a suped-up Sebring, by brilliantly playing on their guilt over decades’ worth of “Detroit sucks” jokes.
Best Glimpse Into a Former Teen Idol’s Dark, Doddering Future
...goes to the Best Buy ad starring Justin Bieber and Ozzy Osbourne—a.k.a. Justin Bieber after five decades of prescription drug abuse—wandering aimlessly around a mall food court in nothing but a bathrobe. Consider this a warning, kid.
Best Indication That the Skynet Takeover Has Already Begun
...came in this ad for the Chevy Cruz, which apparently can now read your Facebook status updates to you as they come in.
Best Comeback of a Beloved Comedienne Cut Tragically Short by a Logging Accident
...goes to Roseanne Barr, who makes a surprise appearance at the end of a Snickers ad dominated by the unlikely scenario of Richard Lewis holding a chainsaw.
Best Comeback of a Beloved Comedienne Cut Tragically Short by Strange Stirrings in My Pants
...goes to Joan Rivers for GoDaddy.com, who finally reached the thrilling climax of her amazing journeys in body modification with a full transplant of everything from the neck down. I don’t know who your doctor is, Joan, but he does great work.
The George Lucas Award for CGI-Fiddling with Beloved Childhood Memories
...goes to this NFL spot, "American Family," that revisits some of your favorite TV households and characters—only now they're dressed in official NFL apparel. Can you spot the "180 visual changes" made to your favorite scenes?
And the Herman "Duck" Phillips Memorial Overthinking It Award goes to...
...Audi, for spending $6 million (plus whatever it cost them to take this brainfart-from-hell concept from page to screen) on an ad about...uh...oh man, I have no idea. This is football, damn it. Stick to the 3 Bs: Beer, boobs, and Roseanne Barr.
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