Presenting the TV.com Bowlie Awards for Excellence in Super Bowl Mega-Shilling

Congratulations all around! Congratulations to the Green Bay Packers for their hard-earned gridiron victory; to the Black Eyed Peas, for successfully traveling back in time to offer us a glimpse of the inconceivably obnoxious future that awaits us; and to you, the White Fat Fans, for surviving another Super Bowl without succumbing to a massive, BBQ rib-induced coronary.

Now that we got that out of the way, it’s time for the all-important post-game analysis. That’s right: How did this year’s commercials measure up? Without further ado, we present the First Annual TV.com Bowlies, awarded for noteworthy achievement in Super Bowl mega-shilling.

Best Sellout by a Hip-Hop Superstar Mitigated by Adorable Claymation

...goes to Eminem in a Lipton Brisk spot. So precious was the rapper as a 12-inch-tall iced tea pitchman, you’ll fantasize about wringing out his sweat-soaked do-rag directly into your mouth the next time you’re feeling parched.



Best Sellout by a Hip-Hop Superstar Mitigated by Hometown Pride

...goes again to Eminem, this time in an epic ad for the Chrysler 200. The $9 million spot succeeded spectacularly in its mission to make Americans horny for essentially a suped-up Sebring, by brilliantly playing on their guilt over decades’ worth of “Detroit sucks” jokes.



Best Glimpse Into a Former Teen Idol’s Dark, Doddering Future

...goes to the Best Buy ad starring Justin Bieber and Ozzy Osbourne—a.k.a. Justin Bieber after five decades of prescription drug abuse—wandering aimlessly around a mall food court in nothing but a bathrobe. Consider this a warning, kid.



Best Indication That the Skynet Takeover Has Already Begun

...came in this ad for the Chevy Cruz, which apparently can now read your Facebook status updates to you as they come in.



Best Comeback of a Beloved Comedienne Cut Tragically Short by a Logging Accident

...goes to Roseanne Barr, who makes a surprise appearance at the end of a Snickers ad dominated by the unlikely scenario of Richard Lewis holding a chainsaw.



Best Comeback of a Beloved Comedienne Cut Tragically Short by Strange Stirrings in My Pants

...goes to Joan Rivers for GoDaddy.com, who finally reached the thrilling climax of her amazing journeys in body modification with a full transplant of everything from the neck down. I don’t know who your doctor is, Joan, but he does great work.



The George Lucas Award for CGI-Fiddling with Beloved Childhood Memories

...goes to this NFL spot, "American Family," that revisits some of your favorite TV households and characters—only now they're dressed in official NFL apparel. Can you spot the "180 visual changes" made to your favorite scenes?



And the Herman "Duck" Phillips Memorial Overthinking It Award goes to...

...Audi, for spending $6 million (plus whatever it cost them to take this brainfart-from-hell concept from page to screen) on an ad about...uh...oh man, I have no idea. This is football, damn it. Stick to the 3 Bs: Beer, boobs, and Roseanne Barr.



What'd you think of this year's crop?

Comments (37)
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Oh, well, I think the best way to determine how seriously to take something someone posts is: Has it been posted to a television chat forum devoted to discussing the relative merits of commercials aired during the Super Bowl? Go play outside.
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went to the bathroom and then to the kitchen to make coffee.
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Where was Betty White and Abe Vigoda?
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I think the NFL ad, simply for the nostalga
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Darth Vader was by FAR, the BEST commercial!
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How is Captain America not on that list?
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eminem = awesome
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Ok. And that right there is a good way to make no one take your comments seriously. If you're going to make a comment insulting someone's intelligence, it's usually a good idea to have a reasonably intelligent argument for backing it up. Or, you could just tell me to buy a Passat again or randomly defend the Cape. Those were well framed points...
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No.
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No, why don't you go ahead and explain it since you brought it up to begin with?



And I never said I loved it. I said it was the best one. Which is to say it was the best out of the pile of dissapointing commercials we all watched. But you're insinuating that you're smarter than everyone else because you liked a different commercial than that one. And the rest of us are just too dumb to get it. So...why don't you explain why you think you're smarter than the rest of us over a frakin car commercial.
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Neither do I. The full argument involves such words as "cutesy" and "costume-y" but I'm not getting into that here. Anyway, since you love it so much, run out and buy a Passat.
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Wait a minute, what? Now that's really confusing. Kid vader is a cutesy car commercial. The Cape is an hour long weekly drama. I don't understand your comparison.
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"Dear Kim, your rack is unreal" - best commercial by a long shot
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Worst crop of Super Bowl commercials in years!!! and Tron was horrid enough by itself, but coupled with Justin Bieber it's A Nightmare on Suck Street...
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Because everyone's going gaga over something that ultimately wasn't /that/ clever. Sheesh. People go ape over Kid Vader but they hate The Cape, citing exactly the same reasons.
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Ok tjaman, so why does thinking that the kid vader commercial happened to be the best out of a group of unimaginative commercials mean that we have to "get over ourselves"? You make no sense. Thanks for the backhand smug insult laced with a strong underlying superiority complex. hmmm, maybe that means you should get over yourself.
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Funny commercials!! I wonder if for the 'Best Fans Ever' commercial, was the NFL apparel actually digitalized into each scene or were clips specifically taken from episodes which happened to feature each castmember using something nfl-related by coincidence?
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Imported from Detroit. Much love for the Motor City, favorite ad of the night.
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I thought the Pepsi Max commercials were great - along with the Bridgestone beaver. And I'd just like to echo what tjaman said. What's with equating a football game to the Declaration of Independence?
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Roseanne Barr getting hit in the face was satisfying in a way that frankly made me disturbed about myself.
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No mention of the Bridgestone beaver?
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Ozzy Osbourne and Justin Bieber... now THAT'S freaking creepy! :P
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The Budweiser "Tiny Dancer" commercial was hilarious.
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Forget the ADs what about the superbowl trailer to Cowboys vs Aliens :) - thought the Rosanne Barr bit was kinda funny :)
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You forgot the "Super Bowl XLV is /as/ culturally significant as JFK's 'Ask Not' speech and MLK's 'I Have a Dream' speech and the fall of the Berlin Wall -- even /with/ Christina Aguilera's butchery of our national anthem" award. And guys, Kid Vader wasn't /that/ clever. Get over yourselves.
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Loved the Darth Vader and Doritos "come back to life" commercials.
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Sofia Vergara in a Redskins shirt was heavenly
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Little Darth Vader and the beaver/bridge were the best ads of a pretty "mehh" bunch, all in all.
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I kinda liked that Audi commercial.
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My favorites were the Doritos "Come Back to Life" commercial and the Ozzy-Bieber Best Buy commercial.
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Nice. But little Darth Vader was the best!
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The darth vader commercial was the best one...and that's not even mentioned. ok
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I love the Volkswagon Star Wars commercial. It's got the highest rating on the Hulu.com commercials board.
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I really like the one with Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, and Justin Bieber. The best fans ever promo is pretty cool too, but that Glee scene has never been seen before, which is odd, so I hope it's featured in the next episode. I'll be disappointed if I hear it was filmed merely with the purpose of being featured in that commercial, which kinda sets it appart.
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Moto Xoom deserves a nod. It may have annoyed every Apple Cultist, but was probably hugely successful with it's target audience for one of the best jobs of skewering it's competition in a long time. The only downside is the number of people who didn't get all the references. Which may be most - about half the people I was watching with didn't get the House parody of the Mean Joe Green commercial.
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the chevy cruze reading facebook updates has to be the dumbest thing i have ever see!
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Chrysler ad was the best.
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