If More TV Networks Aired Animal Bowls on Super Bowl Sunday, What Would They Be?

The Big American Football Game touches down this Sunday, February 2, and that means that pretty much the entire world, all 7.14 billion and one of us, will be glued to our television sets on what has become an intergalactic holiday that's synonymous with sitting on couches, getting drunk, and packing Guy Fieri Flavortown Jalapeño Chipotle Sweet & Sour Wasabi Chicken Wings into our arteries. But guess what? Not every person watching television that day will be tuned into the Super Bowl. Super Bowl Sunday has become an opportunity for networks that don't carry the game to get creative, and so far it's paid off.

Animal Planet enjoys its highest-rated day of the year on Super Bowl Sunday thanks to the Puppy Bowl, an experiment that started in 2005 and has grown in scope each successive year. It's a bunch of baby dogs running around a fake football field and it's absolutely genius. This year will see the addition of two new bowls full of animals: Hallmark Channel will air its inaugural Kitten Bowl (exactly what it sounds like), and National Geographic is airing the Fish Bowl, which will be four hours of a single goldfish swimming around in an old boot J/K a fish bowl. 

We here at TV.com applaud this type of creative initiative by lower-tier cable networks, but what about their bigger peers? Are they too "serious" to have a little fun on Super Bowl Sunday? Why don't they pull the stick from their butts and have animal bowls, too? Probably because they just don't have the artistic know-how to match the right idea to fit their brand. Well, networks, let me introduce you to me. I just took three-and-a-half doses of peyote and came up with the following trillion-dollar ideas so you can host your own Animal Bowl. Thank me later, with money, preferably.


CBS

THE DINOSAUR BOWL


Look, most-watched network or not, it's no secret that CBS has struggled to attract the younger crowd. Last year, the median age of a CBS viewer was 58.2 years old, the oldest among the big four broadcast networks and four years above the average. So instead of trotting out a bunch of 15-year-old dogs for the Elder Dog Bowl, why not go with the oldest of old and film a pile of dinosaur bones instead? A T-Rex, a triceratops, an ankylosaurus, it doesn't matter. Just make sure they're bones and they're dusty. Maybe Mark Harmon can wear a dino skeleton as a suit for halftime or something. Alternate idea: live cam of the typical Blue Bloods viewer... if they are any who are still alive. 


ABC

THE PRAYING MANTIS BOWL


Scandal! Revenge! Once Upon a Time in Wonderland! The Bachelor! Mistresses! Desperate Housewives! Grey's Anatomy! And a whole bunch of other shows with no-nonsense, ass-kicking, strong female leads geared toward female audiences! "ABC" might as well stand for "All 'Bout Chicks," and the network has made a living focusing on the female demographic by focusing its shows on women in power. Naturally, ABC's spirit animal would be the mighty praying mantis, an insect known for f*cking its mates while biting their heads off and then eating them. So go ahead, ABC, show us a huge nest of praying mantises eating each other, add a Black Widow halftime show, and watch the advertising dollars roll in. It's Shonda Rhimes approved! You are welcome! 


NBC

THE LEMMING BOWL


NBC has rightfully earned its current reputation as the most inept major network there is, thanks to a string of high-profile failures and boneheaded decisions over the last few years. No other network shoots itself in the face more often than NBC, so the Peacock's Super Bowl Sunday animal bowl requires a creature that exhibits the same self-destructive behavior as the network it represents. Enter the wily lemming, the natural world's suicidal rodent. Lemmings are widely known by people who are gullible to jump off of cliffs to their deaths and drown during the migratory season, much like NBC greenlighting Sean Saves the World or Welcome to the Family. So go ahead, NBC! Point those cameras toward these furry fellas and wait for the ratings (and lemming corpses) to pile up!


FOX

THE FOX BOWL


Thank god Fox has the Super Bowl this year so I don't have to suggest an animal bowl for it, but I guess the obvious answer is a Fox Bowl? That's not very funny at all. Oh! I got it, thanks to Dads, how about an Asian Stereotype Bowl? Ugh, that's not that funny either. Let's just move on.


THE CW

THE HOT "TEENS" BOWL


We get it, The CW. Your business plan is sponsored by American Apparel. The hotter and younger-looking, the better. Just last week, the network's many youth-focused series showcased 72 percent of the world's total of taut, sculpted abs, and rumor has it that 13 girls were impregnated simply by watching Stephen Amell do a push-up on Arrow. Since these hot heartthrobs are nothing but meat to you, why stop there? Why not put a bunch of sexy 20-somethings dressed as shirtless high-schoolers on a field of grass and just let them be hot? Give 'em a football if it makes you feel better. Ten yard penalty for brooding!


AMC 

THE SLOTH BOWL


We love you, AMC. But between Mad Men, long stretches of The Walking Dead, and whatever other anti-hero dramas you've got in your repertoire, your programming tends to be a little on the slow side. Why not speed up the action with four straight hours of three-toed sloths inching across the screen? And then watch the critics go on and on about how it's a really complex and subtle character study.


STARZ/CINEMAX

THE BUNNY BOWL


This one is up for grabs between you two, Starz and Cinemax. Since both sex-obsessed networks can't go five minutes without showing a pair of boobies or grinding rumps, only the horniest of animals makes sense: WABBITS! Let these little fluffy f*ckers hump their way into the ratings record books. And sure, make up some dumb story about them being actual characters to pass the time while the bunnies catch their breath. Sheriff Lucas Hood can be the ref. 


Enough of me doing all the work, what animal/network pairings would YOU suggest for alternative Super Bowl-adjacent entertainment?


Comments (48)
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Syfy should air the chamellion bowl. It pretends to be a sci-fi station but airs more reality shows.
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The Superhero Bowl. Spider-man and the Team of Marvel takes on Batman and the Team of DC.
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The Lions vs. The Tigers Bowl
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The CW should air The Octopus Bowl, throw a bunch of hungry cephalopods into a tank with a football and see what happens! It makes as much sense as anything in their programming lately, and it's actually something you'd watch, admit it.
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I'm 27 and I've NEVER watched a CBS program for the duration of a series, they just have awful programs and I just don't see how they have such good ratings. The comedies are garbage, and the only thing that seemed interested for ages - Under the Dome - was a steaming pile of crap.
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Normally I'd agree, but they have two of the best shows on TV right now, Person of Interest and The good wife.
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Survivor, The Amazing Race and Big brother still the winners of reality TV after so many seasons.
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Aaw such a cute fox
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Hey, don't knock CBS' demographic. I love Blue Bloods and I'm below the average age a fair bit. And even though young idiots think marketing to young idiots is so much cooler, it's the older people who have the money. Besides, marketing to the tweens is what the CW is for.
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And a dinosaur bowl would be cool. I wonder what the penalty for ripping an opponents head off is.
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The Travel Channel or SyFy present: The Ghost Bowl, where a team (preferably the crew from the Ghost Adventures, cause they are the BEST at what they do) investigates a haunted stadium, film a ball in the hopes that a presence will kick it, and dress up in football garb to entice the ghosts into communicating with them.

I'm actually really surprised that this doesn't already exist, what with Ghost Mine, and Haunted Highway. *Sigh* remember when it was just the TAPS team running legit investigations into the paranormal? I miss those days...
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turtle bowl
snake bowl
I like the sloth bowl
spider bowl
wasp bowl
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Is it just me or is The Bunny Bowl the single best idea for Starz/Cinemax that has ever been suggested?
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It's not better than Spartacus or Banshee. But it's probably better than Da Vinci's demons and Strike Back.
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The Hot teens bowl
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The Ant Bowl!
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Dragon Bowl Z, airing on Komodo Central.

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How about The Giraffe & Cheetah Bowl for TNT. Because it wouldn't be a TNT show without an &.
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FX: The Guns &Violence Bowl
Just a bunch of criminals, cops, federal agents, dudes on motorcycles, and in the vein of gender equality: witches. Instead of holding the ball, they'll be shooting and blowing it up. You know you'll tune in.
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Animal Planet: the Cryptozoological bowl. Where bigfoot, chupacabra, the Loch Ness monster and the rest of them get down to play some ball.

History Channel; The Ancient Alien bowl. It isn't an actual game just the "scientists" speculating as to how football was really brought to us by aliens a long time ago.
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Outside of the Puppy Bowl I think for animal planet it would actually be shown as a special for that Mermaids "documentary" where they find "evidence" that mermaids created the superbowl

I swear there is an episode for Ancient Aliens that talks about how aliens created organized sports (and I would be surprised if it hasn't happened yet)
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I don't know if you watch it or not, but the Bunny Bowl for CInemax also works because Banshee actually has a character named Rabbit. So, yeah, if you didn't know that, what a great coinkydink.
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I just wanna stare at the Fox picture all day. So freaking adorable.
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Syfy: Creature Bowl, featuring such all-star players as Sharktopus, Mega Python, Gatoroid, and more. Played in Los Angeles, where the weather forecast carries the highest risk of a Sharknado in the history of the game!
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Discovery: Shark Bowl, with a real live mermaid halftime show.
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